Monday, January 28, 2013

I am . . .

I am . . .
© (2013) By Golda Lev
The Awareness Center - January 28, 2013

I am,
I may be your wife, or girlfriend, A stranger, or a Neighbor, Your sister, or brother,
Your child, or student
I could be anyone...
I could be the person next to you,
I am a survivor of sexual abuse!

I was,
The innocent child next door, The fearless child, class leader, Or maybe I was shy, suspicious, Maybe I was wild, maybe mild, I wouldn’t know,
I was only a child!

I was
I was born in the 80’s
Fanatic religious parents
6 years later I was a adult
Anxiety was a synonym for life, a rude awakening every night....
Life meant surviving the days and
Ignoring the nights...

I was,
I was very young, naive,
In search for comfort Tortured soul
I was a child, clueless,
No TV or internet to educate me, No school teacher to look after me, No one cared for me,

He was,
He was the devil
The man in black,
with a sickening smile
With a foul smell
The man who squashed hope,
The man who taught me “trust NO ONE!” The man who stole my innocence...

He was,
He was relative
He was doing something wrong,
but I didn’t know what.
He was someone my parents loved, cherished, respected, and looked up to.
He was the man I hid from, but didn’t know why,
He was the man I was scared of Just didn’t understand why.

I was,
By now 7 years old. Not so innocent... Everyone called me a cry baby
If only they knew why,
If only I knew why...

Hide a seek wasn’t fun game for me,
I was a lifeless body mechanically living.

I was
Tired of waking up
Tired oh so tired
Lost in the world and locked in a secret I was,

He was,
He was ruthless,
He knew me,
knew I wasn’t gonna talk
He gave me the attention no one else did, Made me believe I was special
But when it hurt,
The threats came shouting
And I was silenced
My soul was floating
Watching what is happening to my frozen body...

He was,
Getting married,
Seemed to be losing interest in me
A taste of freedom tasted new and I liked it! I was able to sleep with both eye closed For a moment I was happy,
I was history,
unfortunately good things don’t last long...

I was,
I was the happiest and confused little girl at his wedding
I collected so much confetti It meant freedom to me
I was happy, but it was short lived
He was,
He was bored with her within weeks, And my sleepless nights were back Although it wasn’t as many nights as before One night was too much night.
Pillow made of tears
I was,
Devastated, disappointed, Wishing death
Bleach didn’t taste so good...
I was day dreaming of getting hit by a car,

Staying in hospitals feeling safe, Anything just to be away.
I was
Somewhere between 8-10 years old I started to refuse him
He already had a child
It didn’t stop him,
But one threat kept me going
He threatened my sister
My baby sister!

She was,
My beautiful baby sister,
She was 3-4 years old
He knew I would do anything he wants to keep him away from her.
And when it hurt I closed my eyes so tight and kept her image in my head
I had a new mission aside of surviving, I had to keep her safe.
I was
I was never there when he hurt me I was far far away
Flying somewhere cloudy Death wasn’t an option anymore, I had my sister on my mind,
I wanted her to keep her smile...

I was
I was a child with all the signs But everyone was blind.
I was,
10 years old, maybe few months older when I figured out what he has been doing to me
Found out at school,
“how kids come to the world”
I was speechless
This wasn’t normal,
This wasn’t happening to all my friends, Why is it happening to me
How could he?
Wasn’t it against religion?!

I was,
I was a zombie, a troll, for days,
My brain wouldn’t register the understanding of what I endured all these years
Hated myself,
Avoided my eyes in the mirror, Showered with scolding water, Tempting to clean myself off of the shame, But nothing helped!
If it wasn’t for my sister,
I would have been gone!

I was,
11 when I got my period Freaked out knowing what it meant. Although now he was around less I was always on guard
After all he lived just an hour away

I was,
I was 12 when I had my first boyfriend
He was younger not threatening,
felt safe with him
When my fanatic parents found out,
I was locked away in a room for a month, but first chance out and I leaped for it..
I was the black sheep, the runaway child.
I was,
Running from place to place, just to stay away from “home”
Drugs cigarettes and alcohol, became part of a daily survival kit.
Men represented evil for me but they were they only ones who “helped” with –
money, bed, drugs and food.
I was,
Hating my self
Hating the fact I left my sister behind to fend for herself,
Whenever I knew he was going to my house I showed up to watch her.
I owed it to her,
I owed it to myself.

I was,
Doing what I want, although I didn’t want.
I was,
I was 15 and my luck was changing,
One day I stumbled up on good people And life was changing
I was,
I was living with a new family at 15
First few nights there I expected the man of the house to knock on my door,
I was ready, thought it was standard
But he never did, and I was confused... Why would otherwise they help me?
It didn’t occurred to me good people exists...

I was,
I was deep into drugs,
Worked 12 hours shifts to support my habit, I got stuck in the past,
I didn’t want to be in reality,
No one knew me, not even me...

I was,
I was after my 5th over dose hospital stay when I decided to depart from drugs
I did it on my own, No rehab, no NA/AA etc Just me as always
Looking back –
I shouldn't have done it that way!

I was,
20 years old when I saw him again, Could it have been 5 years ?
It seems yesterday,
My brother’s bar mitzvah was ruined I got sick sick sick and walked out
I thought I was just gonna die

I was,
I met my cousin outside
he took one look at my face and he knew... He was outside for the same reason
He was his victim too...
I was standing, staring at my cousin in shock Still denying my life, started vomiting
Took off and ran and ran and ran. Couldn’t bare the shame that someone else knew

about me
Drugs, followed back to life shortly after

Drugs helped me run, kept me numb...
I was,
I was covered –
Shame was tattooed all over me Running was the easy option for me But the day came and I wanted to find out

more about the devil. Decision to regret,
What I heard was too much too soon
He was,
He currently still is,

A classic chasidic pedophile, with hundreds of victims Male and female
I was just ONE of them ONE!

I was,
Being pushed by my cousin to press chargers But I couldn’t face him
Thought if I ignored my childhood,
it will go away
It never went away
Its with me everywhere anywhere,
All the time!
Statue of limitation was up!

I was,
22 when my mom found out about the devil, I didn’t want to talk to her about it.
She left me alone alright,
In her eyes he became a “victim”,
and I was just ? To her?
The day she called to find out if I am coming to a wedding to knows if to invite him,
I knew,
She never believed me!

I am,
I am now 27 years old
I am with people, good people But always feel alone
No one could understand;
The sadness that consumes my heart The sleepless nights
The childhood I never had.

I am,
I am a sexual abuse survivor
with blood on my hands,
The blood of all those children I could of saved

if I had the strength
Their sad eyes hunt me in every dream,

I cry nights for them knowing I should have been stronger and I am at fault for their pain,
Just couldn’t face the devil in court! Statue of limitation was up....
I am,
I am a person who selfishly let the devil win

I am not living, merely surviving Hell equals my head,
His victim’s cry only I can hear, Having his victims on my shoulders, gets heavier by day! Nothing will console me

I am,
Happy when I hear about victims demanding justice, I feel alive for a moment, jealous of
their strength.
Cause every survivor who stayed silence lives in constant pain and guilt,
I am just one of them...

I am,
I may be your wife, or girlfriend, A stranger, or a Neighbor, Your sister, or brother,
Your child, or student
I could be the person next to you, And now you know my story Cause;
My story could happen to

Just open your eyes!

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