If I told you I was sexual abused. . .

Healing 101: Relief from Flashbacks

Incest: Just A Family Affair?

Battered Men

When 60,000 Hasidic Men Gather. . .

Can you guess?

Statistics on Childhood Sexual Abuse in Jewish Communities

It's amazing we've survived

By Vicki Polin, Founder & Director of The Awareness Center, Inc.

The Awareness Center WILL survive with your help!

On April 16, 2011, The Awareness Center will be 12 years old.  It's amazing that an extremely grassroots organization like The Awareness Center could survive that long, especially considering the economical state of the world.

As many of you may be aware, that over the last few years my ability to work as hard as I had, was compromised by being injured in a serious car accident.  


Because of the injuries I was forced to put a great deal of my efforts on hold.  My hope is that over the next few months I'll be able to devote more time and energy back into our organization, yet to do this The Awareness Center needs your help.

The Awareness Center needs your financial help for us to continue to serve the Jewish community on a global basis.  If you have ever contacted us and found us to be helpful, if you find our daily newsletter educational, or if your a member of one of our online support groups and networking groups for professionals, please consider contributing to our organization.  

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The Awareness Center is a survivor ran, non-profit organization dedicated to ending sexual violence in Jewish communities around the globe.  We do this through education, awareness, advocacy and by reaching out and offering support to each individual survivor who contacts us.  Our long time goal has always been to be "the make a wish foundation" for Jewish survivors of sexual sex crimes.  

Over the years survivors have contacted us looking for professionals who are experienced working with victimization issues, these professionals included therapist, ob/gyn, dentists, internists and lawyers.  Survivors have also contacted us looking for information regarding their offenders or other survivors of the same offender.  Some times survivors call us just to talk. Over the years we have received thousands of calls from survivors who have never told anyone before that they were abused.  These survivors ranged in age from 14 - 82.  

Can you imagine what it must be like for an 82 year-old to finally tell someone that they were sexually abused 75 years later?  For those who contact us who are minors, we do what is necessary to insure they are safe.

Until we are able to secure substantial funding we are dependent on your financial support.  Please show us you care and that you want to do everything possible to reach out to survivors and let them know they are not alone.

You can make a donation by credit card by clicking on the donation button on the upper right hand side of this page, or send a check to:

The Awareness Center, Inc.

P.O. Box 4824

Skokie, IL  60076

Do Girls Matter? Sexism and Sexual Abuse

Do Girls Matter? Sexism and Sexual Abuse

© (2010) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

First published on the Huntington Post

Over the last ten years there's been so much emphasis and media attention on cases of clergy sexual abuse - with the perpetrators being priests, pastors, monks and rabbis - that we seem to be forgetting that forty-six percent of cases of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by family members. We also cannot forget that according to statistics girls get molested two to three times more often then boys -- or that the effects and long-term ramifications are just as horrendous as their male counterparts.

Over the last twenty-six years of my involvement in the Anti-Rape movement I have to admit that I have been amazed at seeing so many male survivors coming forward with their disclosures of child molestation. Even Oprah's on to the male survivor bandwagon, producing two shows on the topic of male survivors of sexual abuse; which will air on November 5th and 12th.

My concern is that girls and adult women who are survivors of child sexual abuse seem to be getting lost in this new shuffle. I have also noticed an altering of history from some survivor groups in which they are forgetting the roots of the Anti-Rape movement. Advocating for survivors of sex crimes did not get it's start in 2002, with the Boston Globe's exposé on the Catholic Church. We cannot forget that if it wasn't for several brave women joining together in consciousness raising groups back in the early 1970's, we would have no idea about how many people were being molested as children, or how many adult men and women were being assaulted.

Why is it that even in 2010 we want to forget the value of the feminist movement? If it wasn't for the brave heroes of the 1970's getting together and sharing personal details of their lives we would never have been able to offer hope and support to those who had been sexually victimized. We would not have begun to educate the public on the issues and ramifications of rape nor would research that effects more then a quarter of the population of the world have been started.

How quickly we want to forget that back on January 24, 1971 the New York Radical Feminists sponsored the very first gathering to discuss sexual violence as a social issue. April 12, 1971 was the historic moment in which for the first time in history there was a gathering of survivors -- all women, who created the very first "speak-out" -- where they shared their personal stories publicly; and over 300 people attended.

I personally got my start in the Anti-Rape Movement back in 1985 working for one of the first incest survivor organizations. During the early years it was mostly only women who came forward sharing stories of child molestation. For the last 12 years of my work has been focusing in Jewish communities on an international basis. I have been amazed to see this same phenomenon happening within the orthodox world. Female survivors of sexual abuse have been taking a back seat to their male counter part. For every 10 males who come forward, there is only one woman willing to share her story, come forward and begin the healing process..

I have also encountered some discrimination at workshops and or with other organizations that have been popping up in the Jewish world; the leaders are all male. I have been told that they believe women are too emotional to be a part of the movement, let alone to speak out publicly. I understand the cultural differences of the Orthodox world in which it is frowned upon for a woman to speak or educate men in public for reasons of modesty, yet why are they not coming out speaking to each other? Will they really loose value as a person if it's known that they were victims of a sex crime? Do we really have to put the shame and blame on them for the actions of a sexual predator?

--
Vicki Polin authored this article. Polin is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the founder and director of The Awareness Center, Inc., which is the international Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault

If you save one life, you save the entire world . . .

Dear Friends:

As you may imagine, running a non-profit during these economical times is quite the challenge   The Awareness Center is doing everything possible to keep our expenses down so that we can remain a force in the fight to end sexual violence in ALL Jewish communities around the globe.  

There’s some exciting things that will be happening over the next few months.  The Awareness Center is very grateful to find three dedicated volunteers who are starting chapters in Philadelphia and Brooklyn.  Sarah Porter is the chapter leader of our Philadelphia group.  Jeneba Charkey and Israel Appel are leading our chapter in Brooklyn.  Over the last several months they have been going through training to be self-help group leaders for their chapters.  If things go as planned, sometime in March The Awareness Center will be starting two FREE self-help/networking groups for adult survivors of sex crimes.  One group will be meeting in Philadelphia, the other in Brooklyn.  

As you may already be aware, The Awareness Center is going to be represented during two different workshops at the upcoming MaleSurvivor’s International Conference in New York (March 19 - 21, 2010).  The only catch is that we need to raise $1000.00 for travel expenses.  

No donation is too small or too great to accept.  Every dollar donated is greatly appreciate.  and allow us to help those who have been sexually victimized along with their family members, friends and the entire world -- for generations to come.  

If you are able to help please send your tax deductible donations 

The Awareness Center, Inc.

P.O. Box 4824
Skokie, IL 60076

To make a donation using a credit card go www.theawarenesscenter.org and click on the donate button on the upper right hand side of our web page and click on the donation button.

Sincerely,

Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

Founder and CEO

Mother's Day

© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

We have all been taught from a very early age to honor our mothers and fathers. This lesson can be extremely complicated for survivors of childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Each year when "Mother's Day" comes around, certain expectations come along with it. All of us whose mothers are still alive are called to honor and reaffirm our love and appreciation for an individual who brought us into this world; a person who made numerous selfless sacrifices in her own life to raise happy and healthy children and support them through their path to adulthood. Unfortunately for survivors of childhood abuse, this day can be extremely difficult and confusing: for how does one spend a day seeped in honoring someone who had failed to live up to the very archetype of unconditional protection that the day celebrates and who at times may have been the very person responsible for the abuse?

Jonathan, a survivor, wrote us:

"Growing up my brothers and I would buy our mother presents. It was expected that our family would spend the day together and come evening my father would take us all out to dinner. Once I became an adult and started dealing with my abuse issues, it became difficult for me to attend family functions, especially this family function.

How was I to honor the very woman who was my offender? It's taken me years to be able to say 'I am a survivor of Mother-Son incest.' To this day my mother has never apologized for sexually assaulting me...and so I struggle honoring the kind of mother she is. This makes Mother's day a difficult day for me."

Nancy wrote:

"My mother was always very abusive to me as I was growing up. She even blamed me for her boyfriend raping me when I was eight-years-old! From that time on I'd tried being the perfect little girl; hoping that one day she'd forgive me... Every year as Mother's Day approached I'd go to our local card store and spend hours searching for the perfect card that will tell my mother how much she meant to me. I guess I figured that if I could find the right card she would start to love me again...

When I turned eighteen I moved out on my own. This was also the year when I first entered therapy. It got to be very difficult for me to buy my mom a Mother's Day card... For a few years I just got cards that were funny, but then it didn't feel right to do that anymore, either. Because you see, even the funny cards ended up saying stuff like 'what a great mom you were'... Finally I found a recovery bookstore that sold greeting cards and believe it or not they had cards that specialized in dealing with the very 'card-issues' those of us from 'dysfunctional families' have! I now send her cards that acknowledges the fact she gave birth to me, spent money raising me, and so forth; but don't go on to say how great a parent she was."

With the messages of picture-perfect mothering practically everywhere, Mother's Day is a time of year when it is NOT uncommon for survivors to have painful memories reemerge. When this happens a survivor may find it safer to retreat than to participate in family functions (especially if the abuse wasn't acknowledge along with the complicated feelings that being hurt or unprotected by someone you love and depended on can bring up). It is important that survivors find what works best for them in order to stay emotionally healthy. While one survivor may find shunning Mother's Day altogether the safest, another may find that they do want to spend some time with their family, but set some boundaries as to how long they stay or where they spend this time. Other survivors may find it easier to make a phone call than to see their mother in person. Others yet may want to spend the day with friends or mentors. Some survivors have made Mother's day an opportunity for giving--they volunteer in orphanages and children's homes, call their local nursing home to find if there are residents without families who may appreciate a visitor on a day when other residents have family come, or spend time with an elderly or lonely neighbor. What is most important is that each person be kind to themselves, no matter what they decided. If you have a survivor in your family--you can help support them by respecting their decision, especially if they decide not to participate.

Marleen said:

"Every year when 'Mother's Day' approaches I get together with a group of my friends who are all survivors and we honor each other for helping ourselves re-parent ourselves."

Lou shared:

"Mother's Day has always been a very difficult day for me. My mother was not my offender, but I know she was more than aware of the physical violence that went on in our home. She'd be sitting there watching TV as my father chased me around the room and then beat me with his belt. I cannot honor my mother. However, I do celebrate Mother's Day with my wife and children--my wife is a wonderful woman and mother. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for having such a kind and loving life-partner."

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, it may be a good idea to check on them a few times on Mother's Day and let them know you understand.

If you are a survivor, maybe find a friend who is free and spend time with them. Remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Mother's Day can be difficult not only because of its topic. Sometimes the day itself carries memories of pain. Holidays are a time when families tend to get together and routines are changed. There's often added stress of traveling, cleaning, and preparing meals. In healthy families this stress translates mostly as excitement and anticipation. Unfortunately, however, dysfunctional parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are often even more likely to do so when under increased stress and anxiety. Many survivors of childhood abuse report that their abuse intensified around and during holidays, including Mother's Day.

Symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) can at times intensify around holidays, or get temporarily triggered even after periods of relative remission. If you experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks, try to remind yourself that these intrusions are about the past, that the abuse is over, and that the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you find yourself beset by thoughts of self-harm or even suicide--reach out. Call a friend, a therapist, a hotline. You don't need to manage these overwhelming feelings alone.

Whatever you decided to do, remember that this is your life to live and that things can change with time--you may never want to have anything to do with your family or the holiday ever again, or you may find that several years down the road you are ready to make new or partial plans. You are not wrong or bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about if and how to celebrate holidays--any holiday! Look into yourself and identify what it is you need, then do your best to do it. Be kind to yourself as you make the adjustments you need to make.

And...most importantly...Todah Rabah for Surviving!

Mother's Day
© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

When Men Are Victims

Reprinted by Permission © (1996) by Eric

Fraidy cat. Wussy. Cry baby. Don't be such a baby. You're acting like a girl. What are you afraid of? Don't be afraid. You have no right to be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. You shouldn't be afraid. What are you crying about. Big boys don't cry. Quit your crying. That doesn't hurt. Grow up and act your age. What's the matter? Can't you take care of yourself?

Ever hear comments like that? If you're like me you've probably heard them all your life, ever since you were a little boy. It was very early in childhood that we were taught to deal with our pain. Our mothers told us to stop crying, our teachers told us to be quiet, and our mentors told us to deal with it and buck up and be a Man. So we learned to say, I can handle it. I'm fine. It wasn't shameful to admit we were hurt, but admitting we couldn't handle it, oh boy that was a one way ticket to being a Loser. And being a victim, well geez, you might as well hang a note on your back that says, Kick Me. So what do you as a man when you've been victimized? There's not much help available, unless you're rich, well insured, and surrounded by a loving fully functioning family and an incredible support group. How many of us have that? What little help that is available for victims is usually directed towards women that have been victimized, and the staff often has a biased view of men and are ignorant of men's emotional needs. So what's a fella to do?

First of all, I would like to say to anyone who has suffered through some kind of trauma (whether that's a car accident or a sexual assault or a history of childhood abuse) and is experiencing extreme emotional reactions:

You are not sick. You are not crazy. You are not "mentally ill." There is nothing "wrong" with you. What is happening to you are normal, natural reactions to an extraordinary experience that you have survived. It was an experience that was beyond the capacity of any human being to handle, and it is going to take some time for your system to process it and integrate it. You are going to encounter a tremendous number of people who don't understand that, who are uncomfortable with that, and will want you to control yourself. Ignore them, and stay away from them. Find a safe place to attend to your own healing. Surround yourself with people who will let you process the experience at your own pace, in your own unique way, and will help you move forward with dignity, grace, and compassion. You are a survivor.

Having said that, I think the first thing you need to do as a man is to tell yourself, I need help. Asking for help is not something we have been socially conditioned to do. Not only is it often seen as a sign of weakness, but most of the social support systems in this country are geared towards taking care of women who have been victimized. There are no crisis hot lines or shelters for battered men, there are no hot lines for male victims of sexual assault, there are no halfway houses for men recovering from a life of prostitution, and there are very few resources for men or boys who are victims of childhood sexual abuse. The few resources that are dedicated to men are things like soup kitchens or shelters for men who have fallen so far they are homeless. They may be good places to start if you have an addiction problem and need help getting back on your feet, but they often times don't have a clue about the depth of pain and anguish that a trauma survivor has. And you will probably need a lot of help healing that.

One of the main sources of help I have found in my own healing has been the support I have gotten within 12-step recovery community. The 12 step movement began when Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in 1935. Dr. Bob and Bill W. put together a program that addressed the physical, psychological, and spiritual aspects of the disease called alcoholism. For perhaps the first time in the history of the western world there was an organization with a mechanism to heal wounds of the spirit. That program gave birth to hundreds of different 12-step programs, which in my mind are all dedicated to healing wounds to the spirit. Through these programs thousands of people have found the courage, strength, and hope to heal from the insanity of what they have lived through. In my experience Alcoholics Anonymous is not just a bunch of people who have problems with alcohol. Most of the people I have met through AA have survived one or more horrendous traumas, and they were abandoned or neglected or abused by their family of origin. You don't know how powerful it is to walk into a room filled with people who have lived through the insanity that you have faced, and have them tell you that you are welcome, and that your story is real, and that you are not making everything up, and that what you did in order to survive was normal. Unfortunately that's not something our medical -- psychotherapeutic community understands. Each group is different, and it is helpful to remember that everyone is in a different stage of healing and recovery, and that some people haven't been able to escape the painful reality of their own situation. AA and other 12-step groups are designed to help people help themselves, and to provide a structure for personal growth. Part of the healing process involves telling your story, and hearing other people's stories as well, and I know of few forums that are better than a 12 step meeting. By the way, most of the people I've met in 12-step groups were abused in some way, shape, or form in their family of origin.

There are many ways to ask for help: private and group therapy, workshops, 12-step recovery programs, books, and even videos. I suggest you experiment with different approaches and find what works for you. Some approaches can be confronting, others warm and gentle. You may need different approaches and techniques at different phases of your healing. Sometimes what may seem most confronting is actually a lesson needing to be learned. Don't concern yourself with being efficient and timely. Time may not heal all wounds, but all wounds heal at their own pace. But no matter what route you take, I think the most important step is finding people who can provide you support as you work through the emotional repercussions. There will be plenty of people who will simply not understand what you are going through. You may want to change them, to make them understand, or to act differently than the way they do. You may want people to act compassionate, or to be outraged, or to get excited, or to cry with you. Give it up. You can't control how other people will respond, and you can't change them. All you can change is yourself. Let people respond to you as they will, and seek out those people who respond positively and can support you. But be aware of the charlatans who talk about providing support, but don't walk the walk. There may be times when you feel alone and isolated and that nobody understands or cares. That is the most important time to reach out. Call suicide hot lines. Go to 12-step meetings. Find support groups. But get support.

I've also found a great deal of healing in the men's movement, although just like the feminist movement, there are many different factions and interests. Check out some publications and groups and keep your eyes and ears open and you can find some kindred spirits. One great thing I have found in the men's movement is the freedom to do things in my own way, to not have to do something in a way that is Nice, or Gentle, or Quiet, or Feminine and Pretty. I can be as ugly and as loud and as unexplainable as I need to be. I can let it all hang out so to speak. But beware, when you let it all hang out, things might happen to and within your body that can only be described as . . . unusual. Normal body functions may seize up and fail, strange tremors or numbness might happen in certain areas, unexplainable aches and pains might appear. Most "trained" medical professionals will look at those symptoms and dismiss them as psychosomatic (and tell you to get over it because it's all in your head), or they may want treat it as a physical disorder and medicate or operate or who knows what. But sometimes all that is really happening is that your system is trying to process an overwhelming experience and your body is reacting. So take care of your body. Get good nutrition. Get plenty of rest. Drink LOTS of water. Take long baths. Do healthy things that make you feel good. Get a massage. Get plenty of hugs. Play with puppies and kittens and teddy bears. And lastly, find a safe place to let whatever is happening in your body run its course. Find a place where you can cry and let your body tremble. Shake your head and mutter, "bugga, bugga, bugga, bugga, bugga." Hit pillows and rage. Throw rocks. Spit into the wind. Swear out loud. Walk. Dance. Do jumping jacks. Rock yourself to sleep. Move your body in whatever way you can. And remember to BREATHE.

P.S. Give yourself some credit. After all, you're a survivor. And one hell of a man to boot.

Spirituality, Sexuality, and How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God

Spirituality, Sexuality, and How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God

© (2004) By Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

Spirituality and Sexuality are very often confusing issues for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and for several valid reasons. In families where the concept of God is present, a child's first representation of God is either of their parents or through their parents. If you have loving, kind parents you may develop a view of God that is loving and kind. If, however, you grew up in a family of violence your perception of a higher power would be of a being that is controlling, explosive and violent. For children who have been sexually violated by their parents, their role model for God is that of a sex offender. Survivors' internalize a view of a punishing, abusive God, who only allows bad things to happen to them because "God loves them." They live in a place where nothing is safe, not even their thoughts, because God can read those and therefore punished for even feeling angry, upset or disrespectful. Given the way children develop a perception of the world, a survivor of the heinous crime of incest would naturally question the veracity of a kind, loving God.

The Talmud (Moad Katan, 17a) relates that a respected Rabbinical educator was rumored to have been involved in behavior that was "hateful." The commentators suggest that he was either an adulterer or seduced young women. The Rabbis ostracized this individual. Unfortunately, despite this tradition to ostracize such offenders, Jewish communities have not taken such a strong, responsible position toward molesters. Too often when allegations of child molestation are brought to the attention of community leaders, parents or relatives of victim's are reminded that discussing issues of molestation within the community or bringing these types of allegations to the public would result in any number of negative outcomes for the survivor. These consequences include difficulty finding a marital partner of substance for not only the survivor, but also other family members, or could result in the survivor or family members of survivors not getting into good yeshivas (schools). There are tales of families of abuse victims of having to relocate to another town as a result of the political pressures following disclosures. Not only does the survivor have to struggle with their trust and belief in God so does the survivor's family.

We have begun to discuss the possibility of a correlation between assimilation and childhood sexual abuse. According to the most recently available data one in every three to five women, and one out of every five to seven men, have been sexually abused by their 18th birthday. As part of the healing journey, the majority of survivors of abuse reach the point where they try to integrate what happened to them on a spiritual level. Many are in twelve-step programs, surrounded by individuals of other faiths, yet the Jewish survivors often feel different. Jews have very different customs then that of their Christian friends. When a survivor is from an unaffiliated background, they may feel at a loss -- unsure of what to do, or how to do it while survivors from backgrounds that were more traditional and included a Jewish education may feel betrayed by that background. The confusion of the healing process adds to the inability to find a healthy spiritual place within their own religion. So what is a Jewish survivor of childhood abuse to do?

Up until now there have been very few individuals who are "survivor friendly" in the Jewish community. We need to start opening our minds and our hearts to begin listening to survivors of childhood sexual abuse bearing witness. Just like holocaust survivors, who were initially shunned, survivors of childhood abuse need to be allowed to speak in order to heal, to be able to learn to connect with God, to see God as something other then neglectful, abusive and cruel. Those listening to these disclosures have a responsibility to themselves, their families and to the survivors. It is vitally important to make sure they have access to a support group conducted by a trained facilitator who is experienced with compassion fatigue (secondary post-traumatic stress disorder), so they are allowed to debrief and maintain balance, after hearing the voices of survivors.

Karen is a thirty-year-old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She indicated that she spent her life trying to connect to something that was spiritual, yet felt she was failing. Over the years she approached many rabbis asking them questions. Unfortunately, the Rabbis, due to a lack of training, were unable to help her understand either her questions or the concepts with which she need the most help. Most had difficulty listening to her disclose her abuse history. When Karen was a child, while her father was molesting her, he would say "this is how you know God loves you . . . you know anything that feels this good has to have come from God . . . this is how you know God is inside you." Knowing this information would be critical in understanding Karen's difficulties with the concept of God. Yet most Rabbis doing outreach were unable to help her reframe her experience and make it possible for Karen to learn to connect.

Rivka was in her teens when she first disclosed to a friend that her father, a rabbi was molesting her. Her father was also a principal of a school for young boys. Her friend told her mother, who in turn, went to a local community leader to ask for advice. Because of the stature of her father, the community leader suggested they keep quiet about the abuse. As time went on, Rivka was unable to cope. As a teen she ran into some difficulties and ended up moving into the home of one of her classmates. Due to political pressure within the community, the family that Rivka resided with was asked not to daven (pray) in the synagogue they had been members of for years. The family was dedicated to helping Rivka heal, and were not about to put her out on the streets. Rivka eventually went to college, was able to support herself financially, got married and is the mother of three. Rivka came from a Torah observant upbringing, but from her experiences with the denial of the community, she no longer practices. She feels betrayed by her family, the Jewish community, and most importantly by God. When speaking to community leaders of the town she was from, and when her name is mentioned, they make comments such as she's happy, she is married and has children. But they are not completely correct. Rivka's is in mourning. She misses her biological family, she misses her connection to her community and she feels that has no one to talk to about her feelings about God.

Mitch grew up in family filled with physical and sexual violence. The family belonged to a synagogue and his parents made sure to enroll all their children in programs so that they could learn about Judaism. There was a problem -- Mitch was deaf. None of the Jewish educational programs had interpreters. Mitch was not proficient at lip reading and disclosed that he was bored and felt left out. Growing up Mitch never felt that he was a part of his family since the majority of his family members were not proficient in sign language. He was alone isolated in his deaf world.

School was Mitch's only respite. He was enrolled in a school for the deaf, and could communicate freely with people who could understand and relate to him. Growing up in the South and being deaf meant that he didn't have any Jewish friends. As he reached high school, he wanted to be like his friends. Most of them went to church. Mitch had no concept of God, and was like a sponge to learn, to connect to something spiritual. Mitch's concept of God was that of a father who was filled with anger and rage. No one in the Jewish community ever took the time to meet Mitch's needs. He never was given the opportunity to express his thoughts and feelings about his concepts of God to anyone Jewish. But then the missionaries reached him. Like so many survivors, the desire to feel loved was strong. His new friends knew this and showed him unconditional love. He would do anything to feel loved and cared for, and if it meant learning about another religion, then he did it. When his family realized what was happening they tried to rectify the situation, but again it was done in a way that appeared to be an attempt to control and abuse him. Their attempt was unsuccessful. To this day Mitch's views Judaism as something that is abusive and wrong.

The more our communities, and our leaders are educated on the issues relating to childhood sexual abuse the easier it will be to help heal the oozing wounds of childhood sexual abuse. Band-Aids can only cover up an infection. Our communities need to do major wound care, some individuals may require "spiritual surgery," while others my just need a topical ointment. But together as a community, as a people we can come together and heal the world.

Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda

Male molestation and rape in the Orthodox community

By Yechezkel Chezi Goldberg, HY"D

Jewish Journal - Feburary 18, 2004

Chezi Goldberg

It is out there. It happens. It is a reality. In the Orthodox community just like any other and yet, no one wants to talk about it.

I am not surprised.

Somehow, it is easier for everyone to talk about the abuse of women than to talk about the abuse of men. Both are horrible events that require incredible sensitivity.

I think that when a man is molested and raped, there are stereotypes, stigmas and confusing questions that come along as baggage with the event. They include the idea that a man who is raped is weak, questions about his masculinity, concerns of the victim being a homosexual because of the attack, and confusing questions and thoughts about how the victim of an attack is affected long term by the attack.

For example, it is common for male victims to be preoccupied with the concern that because they were raped, that they are from that time onwards, homosexual. This concern can have far reaching ramifications on the victim and the choices he makes in his life.

No one wants to talk about men who are sexually abused.

To the extent that people want to avoid the topic, we are required to deal with it.

It is crucial that victims have a place to turn where they can find a listening ear and understanding, trained advisors who can help them through the crisis and the post trauma stress.

It is crucial that professionals educate the community on the topic so that people can be more sensitive to it.

It is essential that as a community we allow professionals to pass on their knowledge to rabbis, teachers, parents and community leaders. Somehow, we need to find a way to educate children on how to say NO. It is so important that the children who are victims know the difference between good and bad secrets.

If the community puts this discussion on the table, solutions will be found.

It is fundamental that rabbinic leaders find a compassionate way to convey their thoughts to victims who are out there, to let victims know that they are not bad people if they were assaulted, that assault happens and that victims, in the eyes of the Torah and the rabbis, are still considered full fledged members of our community. In the Orthodox community, many important moves forward on the community agenda have occurred after rabbis have given the green light for things to move ahead.

This is doable.

I know from intimate conversations with Gedolim that they are aware that sexual abuse of men exists. I know that these same rabbis have been compassionate, understanding and very insightful when offering guidance and comfort to victims.

In the end, I don`t know that we can ever eliminate sexual abuse across the board. I wish we could. I also wish we could eliminate terror attacks, murder, robbery, fraud and many other problems that threaten society.

Albeit a wonderful ideal, I just don`t know that it is possible to accomplish. However, while we cannot eliminate these problems and the perpetrators of these problems, we can decrease the negative feedback and disapproving reactions which the victims of sexual abuse receive when they reach out for help and support within the Orthodox community. We can empower the victims to take back their lives after a perpetrator has tragically torn asunder the victim`s will and power.

While we don`t have all of the answers figured out, we need to start by making it available and safe for a victim to seek out help and guidance without having to look over his shoulder or to feel guilty about what happened.

To that end, it is important to keep on spreading the word about places where victims can go for help. The Hotline for Religious Men Who Are Victims (972-2-532-8000, in Israel) is just one service answering this clarion call.

I pray that the number of organizations and professionals offering their assistance and direction increase. The more places a victim can turnfor help, the better his chances of receiving the help he needs.

Secrets That Must Be Told: Announcing A New Hotline In Israel

By Yechezkel Chezi Goldberg

Jewish Press - December 10, 2003

Chezi Goldberg

Sruli is a quiet shy boy who has a horrible secret. No one knows what his secret is. He cannot tell.

Pinchas is a strapping young yeshiva bachur with a good head. No on knows that he holds a terrible secret alone in his heart. He never thought he could tell anyone what happened to him 14 years ago. So he never did tell. He kept that secret locked away where it haunts him as he grows through life.

Avi was known as a trouble-making student throughout high school. Actually, the change was quite sudden. Throughout his primary school years he did well, even excelled. Suddenly, half way through his first year in high school yeshiva, something happened. He never told anyone. How could he tell?

Who could he tell? Who would understand? Who would be believe him?

Yidi suddenly stopped going to the mikva in the mornings as was his family custom for generations. His father was angry with Yidi. Abba could not understand Yidi`s stubborn change of heart and over time, their relationship worsened. Eventually, Yidi became so aggravated with his father`s non-stop onslaught of pressure that he go to the mikve that he finally left home. Yidi felt ashamed of his reason for not going to the mikve. He had tried to tell a friend once, but he felt that his friend was not helpful. In fact, the friend seemed callous and cruel about it. Yidi swore he would never divulge his secret to anyone. It was too risky.

These young men have secrets that must be told. Until now, they have felt cornered and unable to turn anywhere for help, guidance, understanding and direction. Now that has changed. Each of these young men has a story to tell and now there is an address where they can turn for help.

The Hotline For Religious Male Victims of Sexual Abuse (972-2-532-8000) has been launched in Israel.

Sruli was molested by his Cheder Rebbe. He wasn`t the only one to be molested but nevertheless, he felt quite alone. By contacting the hotline, Sruli and his parents were able to get initial help putting the molestation in perspective and then, with the help of staff, they were able to map out a plan of action. Reaching out to the hotline ended the isolation.

Pinchas was at a Purim party when some older bachurim became drunk and molested him. He was deeply traumatized by the event. The abuse continued afterwards in yeshiva, as the group continued to verbally abuse him. While he never forgot the horrific event, he never told anyone. It caused him deep, psychological scars including making him wonder if he could ever marry, after being put through such a terrible experience. No one understood how such a great bachur could be unmarried at 32. If they only knew the story. By contacting the Hotline, Pinchas was able to retrace his life steps and get the help he desperately needed.

Avi was away from home at sleep away camp when his counselor molested him. Avi had stayed back from a camping trip with a cold. One counselor offered to stay behind. That night, he invaded Avi`s bed space without a word and proceeded to molest Avi. Avi was never the same again. The counselor threatened Avi to keep the secret quiet. Since the counselor was bigger than he was, and since his father was a well known powerful community Rabbi, Avi was convinced that no one would believe him anyway. Who could he tell? Who should he tell? Who would understand? Calling the hotline was the first step out of the darkness.

Yidi stopped going to the mikve when he once accidentally came upon a local man acting inappropriately with a young boy. Although Yidi himself was not involved physically in the incident, what he viewed was traumatic for him. He ran from the mikve as fast as he could and he never went back. He also never forgot what he had seen. However, he did not feel that he could discuss the topic with anyone that he knew. As a result, Yidi seemed continually haunted by the scene as it replayed itself in his mind, countless times over the years.

Although Yidi was not molested himself, what he saw with his own eyes, continued to disturb him for years. It was hard for Yidi to concentrate. It affected his faith in G-d since the man who was doing the molesting who looked — in Yidi`s eyes — a ``rabbinic``man. Then, after Yidi left home, the story and images seemed to leave his memory. One day, he was visiting friends for the weekend when his friend asked Yidi if he wanted to visit a mikve before the Sabbath. Suddenly, Yidi went numb. He went pale. His friend had no idea what had happened. When Yidi recovered his wits, he realized that the past nightmare had returned.

Yidi had felt in the past, that he had nowhere to turn. Now, Yidi had somewhere to go with his story.

He knew he had to release this secret or these demons would chase him forever. The hotline is a place to turn to, where those answering the hotline do indeed, understand and they have the necessary tools to deal with what is haunting Yidi.

Some secrets must be told or they simply eat away at our neshamas and destroy our lives and our families. I must stress that the important issue is to share the secret, to lighten the load, the stress and pain by reaching out for help.

In the Orthodox community, it took years until it was considered permissible to set up hotlines for abuse for women. Many of the taboos encountered in helping female victims have been torn down; some still remain. Yet, religious men still have nowhere to turn when they are victims of sexual abuse.

The new Israel-based hotline, reaching out to male victims, is a daring venture, precisely because, even in the non religious world, today in our supposedly enlightened 21st century, people have a harder time digesting the concept of men being molested and abused. These victims need a place to turn for help and guidance. They need to be able to end their isolation.

Especially within the religious world, where discussing sexual matters is not encouraged and is often frowned upon, it is particularly difficult for victims to find a person to talk to. Add to that the complicated nature of sexual abuse, and the confusion victims endure as a result of the abuse, it is clear that a Hotline to help male victims is long overdue.

Discussion of sexual topics is often taboo. Victims of sexual abuse often have fear of suffering further community ostracism, difficulties in finding shidduchim and even exclusion as an outcast, because of the nature of the attack they suffered.

The Hotline has a simple and straightforward agenda. To help, assist: offer guidance and direction to male attack victims and their loved ones.

We wish them great success.

The Hotline For Religious Male Victims of Sexual Abuse (972-2-532-8000).

Case of the Unnamed Father committing Incest who is Fifty-one-years-old

Case of the Unnamed Father committing Incest who is Fifty-one-years-old
Central, Israel


Charged a 51-year-old man from the center of the country with raping and sodomizing his nine-year-old daughter. The man had been pardoned five years previously after being convicted of sodomizing and abusing another man.

If you have any more information about this case, please forward it to The Awareness Cener.

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Disclaimer: Inclusion in this website does not constitute a recommendation or endorsement. Individuals must decide for themselves if the resources meet their own personal needs.

Table of Contents: 

1. Jail for father who sold daughter for NIS 50 (05/18/2001)

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News in brief
Jail for father who sold daughter for NIS 50
By Itim
The Jerusalem Post - Friday, May 18, 2001

A man from the center of the country who gave his 11- year-old mentally-handicapped daughter to a friend to rape in exchange for NIS 50 was sentenced yesterday by the Tel Aviv District Court to 14 years' imprisonment. The father's friend was convicted of statutory rape and perverted acts, and was sentenced to 16 years in jail. The court noted in the sentence the family's low socio-economic status and the fact that the parents were drug abusers.

The court also yesterday charged a 51-year-old man from the center of the country with raping and sodomizing his nine-year-old daughter. The man had been pardoned five years previously after being convicted of sodomizing and abusing another man.

The prosecution asked that the accused be held until the end of proceedings.

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When Men Are Victims

Reprinted by Permission. © (1996) Eric L.

Fraidy cat. Wussy. Cry baby. Don't be such a baby. You're acting like a girl. What are you afraid of? Don't be afraid. You have no right to be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. You shouldn't be afraid. What are you crying about. Big boys don't cry. Quit your crying. That doesn't hurt. Grow up and act your age. What's the matter? Can't you take care of yourself?

Ever hear comments like that? If you're like me you've probably heard them all your life, ever since you were a little boy. It was very early in childhood that we were taught to deal with our pain. Our mothers told us to stop crying, our teachers told us to be quiet, and our mentors told us to deal with it and buck up and be a Man. So we learned to say, I can handle it. I'm fine. It wasn't shameful to admit we were hurt, but admitting we couldn't handle it, oh boy that was a one way ticket to being a Loser. And being a victim, well geez, you might as well hang a note on your back that says, Kick Me. So what do you as a man when you've been victimized? There's not much help available, unless you're rich, well insured, and surrounded by a loving fully functioning family and an incredible support group. How many of us have that? What little help that is available for victims is usually directed towards women that have been victimized, and the staff often has a biased view of men and are ignorant of men's emotional needs. So what's a fella to do?

First of all, I would like to say to anyone who has suffered through some kind of trauma (whether that's a car accident or a sexual assault or a history of childhood abuse) and is experiencing extreme emotional reactions:

You are not sick. You are not crazy. You are not "mentally ill". There is nothing "wrong" with you. What is happening to you are normal, natural reactions to an extraordinary experience that you have survived. It was an experience that was beyond the capacity of any human being to handle, and it is going to take some time for your system to process it and integrate it. You are going to encounter a tremendous number of people who don't understand that, who are uncomfortable with that, and will want you to control yourself. Ignore them, and stay away from them. Find a safe place to attend to your own healing. Surround yourself with people who will let you process the experience at your own pace, in your own unique way, and will help you move forward with dignity, grace, and compassion. You are a survivor.

Having said that, I think the first thing you need to do as a man is to tell yourself, I need help. Asking for help is not something we have been socially conditioned to do. Not only is it often seen as a sign of weakness, but most of the social support systems in this country are geared towards taking care of women who have been victimized. There are no crisis hot lines or shelters for battered men, there are no hot lines for male victims of sexual assault, there are no halfway houses for men recovering from a life of prostitution, and there are very few resources for men or boys who are victims of childhood sexual abuse. The few resources that are dedicated to men are things like soup kitchens or shelters for men who have fallen so far they are homeless. They may be good places to start if you have an addiction problem and need help getting back on your feet, but they often times don't have a clue about the depth of pain and anguish that a trauma survivor has. And you will probably need a lot of help healing that.

One of the main sources of help I have found in my own healing has been the support I have gotten within 12-step recovery community. The 12 step movement began when Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in 1935. Dr. Bob and Bill W. put together a program that addressed the physical, psychological, and spiritual aspects of the disease called alcoholism. For perhaps the first time in the history of the western world there was an organization with a mechanism to heal wounds of the spirit. That program gave birth to hundreds of different 12-step programs, which in my mind are all dedicated to healing wounds to the spirit. Through these programs thousands of people have found the courage, strength, and hope to heal from the insanity of what they have lived through. In my experience Alcoholics Anonymous is not just a bunch of people who have problems with alcohol. Most of the people I have met through AA have survived one or more horrendous traumas, and they were abandoned or neglected or abused by their family of origin. You don't know how powerful it is to walk into a room filled with people who have lived through the insanity that you have faced, and have them tell you that you are welcome, and that your story is real, and that you are not making everything up, and that what you did in order to survive was normal. Unfortunately that's not something our medical - psychotherapeutic community understands. Each group is different, and it is helpful to remember that everyone is in a different stage of healing and recovery, and that some people haven't been able to escape the painful reality of their own situation. AA and other 12-step groups are designed to help people help themselves, and to provide a structure for personal growth. Part of the healing process involves telling your story, and hearing other people's stories as well, and I know of few forums that are better than a 12 step meeting. By the way, most of the people I've met in 12-step groups were abused in some way, shape, or form in their family of origin.

There are many ways to ask for help: private and group therapy, workshops, 12-step recovery programs, books, and even videos. I suggest you experiment with different approaches and find what works for you. Some approaches can be confronting, others warm and gentle. You may need different approaches and techniques at different phases of your healing. Sometimes what may seem most confronting is actually a lesson needing to be learned. Don't concern yourself with being efficient and timely. Time may not heal all wounds, but all wounds heal at their own pace. But no matter what route you take, I think the most important step is finding people who can provide you support as you work through the emotional repercussions. There will be plenty of people who will simply not understand what you are going through. You may want to change them, to make them understand, or to act differently than the way they do. You may want people to act compassionate, or to be outraged, or to get excited, or to cry with you. Give it up. You can't control how other people will respond, and you can't change them. All you can change is yourself. Let people respond to you as they will, and seek out those people who respond positively and can support you. But be aware of the charlatans who talk about providing support, but don't walk the walk. There may be times when you feel alone and isolated and that nobody understands or cares. That is the most important time to reach out. Call suicide hot lines. Go to 12-step meetings. Find support groups. But get support.

I've also found a great deal of healing in the men's movement, although just like the feminist movement, there are many different factions and interests. Check out some publications and groups and keep your eyes and ears open and you can find some kindred spirits. One great thing I have found in the men's movement is the freedom to do things in my own way, to not have to do something in a way that is Nice, or Gentle, or Quiet, or Feminine and Pretty. I can be as ugly and as loud and as unexplainable as I need to be. I can let it all hang out so to speak. But beware, when you let it all hang out, things might happen to and within your body that can only be described as . . . unusual. Normal body functions may seize up and fail, strange tremors or numbness might happen in certain areas, unexplainable aches and pains might appear. Most "trained" medical professionals will look at those symptoms and dismiss them as psychosomatic (and tell you to get over it because it's all in your head), or they may want treat it as a physical disorder and medicate or operate or who knows what. But sometimes all that is really happening is that your system is trying to process an overwhelming experience and your body is reacting. So take care of your body. Get good nutrition. Get plenty of rest. Drink LOTS of water. Take long baths. Do healthy things that make you feel good. Get a massage. Get plenty of hugs. Play with puppies and kittens and teddy bears. And lastly, find a safe place to let whatever is happening in your body run its course. Find a place where you can cry and let your body tremble. Shake your head and mutter, "bugga, bugga, bugga, bugga, bugga." Hit pillows and rage. Throw rocks. Spit into the wind. Swear out loud. Walk. Dance. Do jumping jacks. Rock yourself to sleep. Move your body in whatever way you can. And remember to BREATHE.

P.S. Give yourself some credit. After all, you're a survivor. And one hell of a man to boot.