If I told you I was sexual abused. . .

Incest: Just A Family Affair?

Statistics on Childhood Sexual Abuse in Jewish Communities

Mother's Day

© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

We have all been taught from a very early age to honor our mothers and fathers. This lesson can be extremely complicated for survivors of childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Each year when "Mother's Day" comes around, certain expectations come along with it. All of us whose mothers are still alive are called to honor and reaffirm our love and appreciation for an individual who brought us into this world; a person who made numerous selfless sacrifices in her own life to raise happy and healthy children and support them through their path to adulthood. Unfortunately for survivors of childhood abuse, this day can be extremely difficult and confusing: for how does one spend a day seeped in honoring someone who had failed to live up to the very archetype of unconditional protection that the day celebrates and who at times may have been the very person responsible for the abuse?

Jonathan, a survivor, wrote us:

"Growing up my brothers and I would buy our mother presents. It was expected that our family would spend the day together and come evening my father would take us all out to dinner. Once I became an adult and started dealing with my abuse issues, it became difficult for me to attend family functions, especially this family function.

How was I to honor the very woman who was my offender? It's taken me years to be able to say 'I am a survivor of Mother-Son incest.' To this day my mother has never apologized for sexually assaulting me...and so I struggle honoring the kind of mother she is. This makes Mother's day a difficult day for me."

Nancy wrote:

"My mother was always very abusive to me as I was growing up. She even blamed me for her boyfriend raping me when I was eight-years-old! From that time on I'd tried being the perfect little girl; hoping that one day she'd forgive me... Every year as Mother's Day approached I'd go to our local card store and spend hours searching for the perfect card that will tell my mother how much she meant to me. I guess I figured that if I could find the right card she would start to love me again...

When I turned eighteen I moved out on my own. This was also the year when I first entered therapy. It got to be very difficult for me to buy my mom a Mother's Day card... For a few years I just got cards that were funny, but then it didn't feel right to do that anymore, either. Because you see, even the funny cards ended up saying stuff like 'what a great mom you were'... Finally I found a recovery bookstore that sold greeting cards and believe it or not they had cards that specialized in dealing with the very 'card-issues' those of us from 'dysfunctional families' have! I now send her cards that acknowledges the fact she gave birth to me, spent money raising me, and so forth; but don't go on to say how great a parent she was."

With the messages of picture-perfect mothering practically everywhere, Mother's Day is a time of year when it is NOT uncommon for survivors to have painful memories reemerge. When this happens a survivor may find it safer to retreat than to participate in family functions (especially if the abuse wasn't acknowledge along with the complicated feelings that being hurt or unprotected by someone you love and depended on can bring up). It is important that survivors find what works best for them in order to stay emotionally healthy. While one survivor may find shunning Mother's Day altogether the safest, another may find that they do want to spend some time with their family, but set some boundaries as to how long they stay or where they spend this time. Other survivors may find it easier to make a phone call than to see their mother in person. Others yet may want to spend the day with friends or mentors. Some survivors have made Mother's day an opportunity for giving--they volunteer in orphanages and children's homes, call their local nursing home to find if there are residents without families who may appreciate a visitor on a day when other residents have family come, or spend time with an elderly or lonely neighbor. What is most important is that each person be kind to themselves, no matter what they decided. If you have a survivor in your family--you can help support them by respecting their decision, especially if they decide not to participate.

Marleen said:

"Every year when 'Mother's Day' approaches I get together with a group of my friends who are all survivors and we honor each other for helping ourselves re-parent ourselves."

Lou shared:

"Mother's Day has always been a very difficult day for me. My mother was not my offender, but I know she was more than aware of the physical violence that went on in our home. She'd be sitting there watching TV as my father chased me around the room and then beat me with his belt. I cannot honor my mother. However, I do celebrate Mother's Day with my wife and children--my wife is a wonderful woman and mother. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for having such a kind and loving life-partner."

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, it may be a good idea to check on them a few times on Mother's Day and let them know you understand.

If you are a survivor, maybe find a friend who is free and spend time with them. Remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Mother's Day can be difficult not only because of its topic. Sometimes the day itself carries memories of pain. Holidays are a time when families tend to get together and routines are changed. There's often added stress of traveling, cleaning, and preparing meals. In healthy families this stress translates mostly as excitement and anticipation. Unfortunately, however, dysfunctional parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are often even more likely to do so when under increased stress and anxiety. Many survivors of childhood abuse report that their abuse intensified around and during holidays, including Mother's Day.

Symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) can at times intensify around holidays, or get temporarily triggered even after periods of relative remission. If you experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks, try to remind yourself that these intrusions are about the past, that the abuse is over, and that the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you find yourself beset by thoughts of self-harm or even suicide--reach out. Call a friend, a therapist, a hotline. You don't need to manage these overwhelming feelings alone.

Whatever you decided to do, remember that this is your life to live and that things can change with time--you may never want to have anything to do with your family or the holiday ever again, or you may find that several years down the road you are ready to make new or partial plans. You are not wrong or bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about if and how to celebrate holidays--any holiday! Look into yourself and identify what it is you need, then do your best to do it. Be kind to yourself as you make the adjustments you need to make.

And...most importantly...Todah Rabah for Surviving!

Mother's Day
© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

Can I Marry A Kohan?

Can I Marry A Kohan?
© (2004) by Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D 
The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter - 2004

Leah had been in counseling for a while which helped her to deal with and overcome her history of abuse. She had been abused from the age of about three until she was seven years old by a male cousin who is 10 years older than her. The abuse involved regular molestation including oral and manual sex. 

The abuse stopped when Leah finally told another relative. The focus of therapy was to help Leah build self-esteem, to overcome the trauma and learn to trust interpersonal relationships so that she could begin to feel comfortable in a more intimate relationship when the time came. And that time did arrive. 

Leah met someone she wanted to marry. He was a sensitive, caring man who very much loved her. Everything seemed to be going Leah’s way until she realized that Matt, her fiancé was a Kohan. Leah remembered that as a child she learned that a Kohan could not marry someone who is not a virgin. She was afraid that having been molested, that rule applied to her and she would not be able to marry Matt. 

A Kohan is a member of the priestly tribe of Kohanim ordained by the Torah to lead the service in the Temple. To maintain their status Kohanim had several obligations of education, responsibility and purity not assigned to other Israelites. The continuity of this priestly tribe was recently validated by a genetic study of Kohanim. The study indicated that, even today, Jews who are Kohanim have a unique genetic marker different from other Jewish people. 

It is clear that the tradition and laws of the Kehuna  have been transmitted on for many centuries. The issue that is raised by this tradition for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, while not common, is an important one. 

Both Leah and Matt took this question quite seriously and began to investigate precisely what could be done in their particular situation. With the help of both of their Rabbis, they found that, in this particular case Leah and Matt could marry. What they found out is that a Kohan is not allowed to marry a divorcee, a "chalalah" or a "zonah." A chalalah is someone forbidden to marry a Kohan who has had either vaginal or anal intercourse with a Kohan and/or has a child with a Kohan.The child of such a union is also a chalalah. 

A "zonah" is not translated as a prostitute in this situation but as someone below the status of a Kohan. This includes a non-Jew, a convert, a slave or a freed slave and someone who had vaginal or anal intercourse with a close relative whether it was voluntary sex or rape. 

If the abuse took place when the girl was less than three years old or the boy was less than nine, for the purposes of marriage to a Kohan, this is not considered intercourse. Only vaginal or anal intercourse invalidates a female to a Kohan. Other forms of sexual intercourse or molestation do not invalidate a woman to marry a Kohan. 

While the situation worked out quite well for Leah and Matt, this may not be the case for others. Thus, it is very important to be in touch with a Rabbi who is sensitive to the plight of the abused and the halachic requirements of marriage to a Kohan. 

Michael Salamon, PhD., FPPR, FICPP -- received his doctorate in psychology from Hofstra University . He is the founder and director of the Adult Developmental Center, Inc. (ADC), a comprehensive psychological consulting practice in Hewlett, NY. Dr. Salamon is also on the executive board of The Awareness Center, Inc. 

Marrying a Kohen: Jewish Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault

Marrying a Kohen

Jewish Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault 

(alt.: Kohain, Kohan, Cohen, Kohen)
(pl. "Kohanim" or "Cohanim")

The Awareness Center has a call out for articles on Halachic information on Survivors of Sexual Violence (childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, rabbinical sexual misconduct) marrying Kohains. This is an extremely sensitive issue, and one that keeps coming up.  If you know of an article or would like to submit one that you have written please use the following link to submit an article.

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Disclaimer: Inclusion in this website does not constitute a recommendation or endorsement. Individuals must decide for themselves if the resources meet their own personal needs.

Table of Contents:  

Articles

1. Definition of a Kohen (see below)
2. Can I Marry A Kohan? (2004)
   
3. Question: How does being sexually molested affect a girl's later ability to marry a Cohen?
4. Rabbis: Couple must divorce  (02/12/1999)
   
    

Also see: 

• Childhood Sexual Abuse
• Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse/Assault who are Kohens
• Background Information and The History of Rabbinical Ordinations (0719/2007)

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Definition of a Kohen
A Jewish male is considered a Kohen if he is a descendent of the first priest Aaron, the High Priest, the brother of Moses (Moshe), from the Levi tribe.

His task is to work in the Temple, be involved with the offering of sacrifices, and with Blessing the Congregation of Israel.  Kohen's recite the Priestly Blessing, and are first to be called up (given an aliyah) to read from the Torah.

To maintain a high degree of purity, Kohanim observed certain prohibitions concerning marriage and contact with the deceased.  Kohanim are also prohibited from marrying a divorced woman, convert, incest and rape survivors.  They are also prohibited from visiting a cemetery (except for immediate family members) or coming into contact with the dead.

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