Case of the Unnamed Teacher/Rabbi

Case of the Unnamed Teacher/Rabbi

Lakewood, NJ

If you have any more information about this case, please contact The Awareness Center.

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Table of Contents: 

2013

1. Worse than blaming victims (05/28/2013)

Also see: 

1. Policies For inclusion on The Awareness Center's Sex Offender's Registry
2. Listing Alleged and Convicted Sex Offenders

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Worse than blaming victims

By Dr. Michael J. Salamon

Times of Israel - May 28 2013

Zelig (not his real name), a man in his 20′s, arrived to his therapy appointment with me yesterday with tears streaming down his cheeks. He was clearly in distress. At the age of twelve Zelig was molested by a teacher, a rabbi who was giving him “special” attention at the yeshiva he was attending at the time. Zelig had been groomed by this man for close to a year before anything happened.

“For a long time he gave me little presents like chocolate or a rubber ball” and “ he told me to tell my parents that he was teaching me so that I could be the smartest kid in his class. My parents never questioned why, they just thought he was being super nice to me. Maybe they were even flattered by it.” The actual touching did not begin until this teacher was hired by Zelig’s parents to give bar-mitzvah lessons to Zelig. Once the touching started it quickly progressed to penetration. Zelig was told by the man that if Zelig ever told anyone about it his parents would both die. He was also told that it was “so pleasurable that such pleasures were meant to be kept a secret between us because that is the way G-d wants it.”

Zelig  told me the details of his abuse at the hands of this teacher several months ago. These memories were not the cause for his tears yesterday. The cause was an article he read in the American paper the Jewish Press written by a Rabbi William Handler. The article entitled  Molestation cases must be handled by g’dolim, not by experts, begins with a diatribe that says that there is “a new danger: the existence of a clique of pseudo-experts who are working among us in the field of “Criminal Molestation.”’ He goes on to state that g’dolim are better equipped to evaluate and perhaps even adjudicate these cases than the “so-called experts” and professionals who operate in the secular realm. It is an argument that even the editors of the paper indicate, is not well made and in my estimation it is not even an argument worthy of being made by a reasonable individual.

Zelig’s response was to tell me yet again that when he turned 16 and told his principal what his abuser had done he was warned that if he did not put it in the past he would “ruin all my chances and my sister’s chances for getting married or getting into the right schools.” Zelig asked me, rhetorically, “And these are the people that should be trusted to take care of the problem? My principal is considered a gadol. See how he took care of it! What would happen if they had such power to take care of things?”

Zelig went on “And it’s not just him. There is an even bigger gadol who wrote a letter saying that the rabbi in Lakewood who just admitted in open court that he abused someone – that gadol Rabbi who wrote the letter claims that he did an investigation and there was no abuse. The authorities investigated. The authorities did what had to be done and the ba_ _ _ _ _ admitted he was an abuser. That someone who is seen as a gadol can write a letter to the public the charges against the abuser are not true – this is worse than blaming the victims it is re-abusing them.”

Zelig was feeling a very palpable sense of being re-abused by what he read and was then recounting to me and we had to use the session for the sole purpose of helping him regain his composure and focus - but he was absolutely correct. The article in the Jewish Press is one level of absurdity and illogic but if it is true that a gadol sent out a letter denying charges proven and admitted to in court that casts an entirely new light on how the leadership views cases of reported abuse. Blaming victims is horrible and still so common. It is however, even worse to deny that abuse exists and then to turn the powers of investigations, prosecution, even validation over to the hands of individuals who feign knowledge but have none, using their status to intimidate and dismiss people with problems that these leaders are not willing to acknowledge exist in their communities. We are only beginning to address the problem. We need forward moving leaders to help us uproot the abusers, not seek excuses or ways to protect them allowing them to continue and re-abuse.

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"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."  --Margaret Mead

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Bullies

Dr. Michael J. Salamon

Bullies
By Michael J. Salamon
Times of Israel - February 7, 2013

I am tired of bullies. I am tired of the attempts made to bully me and I am tired of those who give support to bullies by supporting them and acting as if they know everything about everything without spending much time beyond looking at the anecdotes in their own very limited life spheres.” This sentence is a direct quote from the father of a young woman who finally gained the strength to report that someone abused his daughter, a teacher that worked at her school.  At the time, I asked him who and what he meant by bullies. He said “My community leaders who are making my life a living hell. Not only have they made light of my daughters abuse and our pain but they threatened to ruin me if I filed an official complaint with the authorities.”

 At first, I found it interesting that he used the word bully, I might have used a different word, but then I understood. The signs and symptoms of a bully are well known and include; a strong need to dominate, acting intimidating to those who oppose them and rewarding those who support them. A bully is convinced of his own philosophy and superiority even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  A bully is hot tempered, quick to take credit when things go his way but blames others when they do not. A bully attacks others rather than seeks an accommodation, and monopolizes discussions while refusing to allow others to ask questions. A bully is often shallow and glib, is adept at manipulation, can often outmaneuver others verbally, and is often described as a sycophant and slippery.  This man was bullied by some community leaders and threatened that if he reported his daughter’s abuse to the police they would close down his business. He did report. He also closed his business, moved to the next town and his daughter went into therapy. That was over 20 years ago. His business did well in the new location and his family life settled down.

 More than twenty years ago his daughter, at the age of 12, had significant emotional and behavioral problems. She cut herself, had an eating disorder, and was anxious and depressed.  With a great deal of individual and family therapy, she improved. I remembered her when I bumped into her Father at the post office just a few days ago.  He recognized me before I recognized him. But, as soon as he began to speak I remembered. My first question was how she was, what she was doing, was she married and so forth? He told me that she was doing well, married, had a few children; she completed graduate school and was working in a health related profession. He also told me that his daughter “still has moments of terror but she learned how to work her way through them.”

 He said that he would tell her that I asked about her and was appreciative that I remembered.  I told him that I was much more appreciative of learning from his strength and determination. He was in many ways the role model for me. I started to tell him what he already knew, that by informing the police and allowing his daughter to testify that they had stopped a molester from finding more victims. I told him that he stood up to bullies and changed the approach of his community by acknowledging that abuse happens. I also told him that if not for him the school that his daughter went to may never have had a program for students on self-protection.

 He was humble in his reaction saying that he did only what he thought was “necessary to protect his family.” I asked him if he would do it again. He answered “in a heartbeat.” I asked him if he would be willing to give a talk to community members about what should be done. He responded “never” and laughed. He went on “It was hard enough knowing that someone had abused my daughter but when leaders of my community wanted to hide it and I was forced by them to turn away from everything I felt a part of, it was devastating for us. I don’t think I can do that again. Of course I would if I had to protect my own family but I hope that never again happens.” 

 I told him I understood. We wished each other the best and parted ways. I thought that life runs in interesting ways. His family was devastated by the abuse and the community indifference,  even anger, at his desire for justice. He did what he had to do. My job turned out to be to help with the repair. But my job also turned into one where I developed a deeper sensitivity and awareness regarding the problems of abuse, to go on and try in some small way to educate the community about the problem and better ways of handling it. I think it is important to point out that this man and his family is from a different religious background. Abuse happens everywhere. Reactions to abuse are similar everywhere, some are supportive and correct, some bad. Every community has its bullies who often miss the mark when dealing with molestation and abuse. Everyone needs an education to understand and react properly, even the bullies.

A Few Abused Men

A Few Abused Men

By Michael J. Salamon

The Times of Israel - Jan. 8, 2013

If you do not believe the generally accepted statistic that one in four women and about one in eight men are sexually abused I have had an interesting few days outside of my clinical practice that may enlighten you.

In the last two weeks, since news of a possible Yeshiva University abuse cover-up scandal broke, since the guilty verdicts leveled against Nechemya Weberman for his abuse of a young girl entrusted to his care for counseling and since I wrote and posted about Tamar and what had happened to her at the hand of her older brother  more than 40 people have come forward telling me of their own history of abuse - but what was most significant was that to date 17 men have quietly and privately found the courage to tell me directly, face to face, of their own abuse. I think it is important to focus on these men. They have had the burden of keeping the secret as most abused children do, but also the burden of never showing weakness.

Most of these men told me that they never mentioned their experiences to anyone until they told me. Seven of the men were sexually abused in sleep away camps, at three camps in particular. Nine others were abused by rabbis or bar mitzvah teachers, two names were repeated by three of the men and some of the victims refused to mention their abusers name. One was abused by an older sibling. Most of the men are over the age of 40 and two of the men are in their late 50′s. They told of having been woken late at night in their camps and being told that they should get up for a special night of skinny dipping in the pool. They told of being in the showers while pictures and videos were taken of them. They told of teachers and rabbis who forced them sit on their laps or being touched sexually by them or being forced to touch the teachers sexually.

Some of these men are people I know a very long time some are acquaintances and some I have never met before. They are all, however, individuals who live in my community; indeed they stopped me in shul or at the supermarket to describe their experiences. Seventeen men with the fortitude to finally voice what happened to them. About half of them asked me to write about their victimization. Others asked if I would include them in a piece. All of them told me that in one form or another it impacted their lives. How could it not? As one of the men described it – “After carrying a memory of abuse for so long – a form of Chinese water torture, eating away at my sense of self. The conflicts within of how to handle it. Should I tell, but I was and am still afraid to.”

 Men are taught to be strong and silent. One of the 17 said he remembers the name of his counselor but can never tell it to anyone. I reminded him that it is very possible, even likely, that the abuser continued to abuse others and may still be doing so to this day. He responded that he “can’t risk my family by getting involved at this late date.” Others shared the same feeling.

Seventeen men in one community – it is a frightening amount. How many others were abused but could not find the strength to come forward and even say something to someone in private in this one neighborhood? How many others in other neighborhoods who were abused but have no outlet to even whisper the hurt and shame they carry with them for so long? How many family members impacted by the silent pain within the family?

One of the men told me that he was about 10 years old away in summer camp for the first time when his counselor woke him up in the middle of the night to go skinny dipping. He has a clear memory of saying no and then watching the counselor going to others, seeking a vulnerable few young campers for his escapades of abuse. Another man told me that when he started high school, a friend, one year older, warned him that if he were to get into trouble under no circumstances should he ever go to the principal’s office because some “strange things went on in there.” 

These are strong but vulnerable men. They worry for their children, perhaps they are over-protective. Some of them suffer long term emotional and psychological difficulties. Some show no signs or symptoms at all. They are a miniscule sample but they match the statistic that indicates that the pain that they were subjected to leaves a long term mark on anyone exposed to it. They also fit the accepted fact that abuse exists everywhere and it is high time that it be confronted and appropriately handled.

Secrets

Secrets
By Michael J. Salamon
Times of Israel - December 27, 2012 

How long can you keep quiet about a personal secret – an hour, hour and a half, maybe two, a day or two, a week? Don’t you feel the need to share your own personal secret with a confidant, a person you respect, trust and are completely comfortable with, someone who will understand you and be there for you without being judgmental? How long can you keep a secret about someone else, someone that you are not duty bound by the laws of confidentiality to stay silent about? What if the secret is both about you and about someone else and it is a painful secret? How dark a secret is it that you are willing or unwilling to share? What are the parameters that you use to decide what you can discuss and what must remain hidden? How long can you keep a secret?

In the few days since I posted the article “For Tamar, a Brave Survivor” I have received a number of phone calls telling me to thank Tamar and also telling me that because of her these individuals have decided to break their own silence about the abuse that they received from family members, neighbors or others that they knew. One woman said “For twenty years I was married to the most wonderful man. I trust him for everything and we love one another dearly but it took me twenty years of marriage to tell him that my uncle, who is only 11 years older than me abused me sexually when I was between nine and 12 years old. It was a secret I could not share with anyone, even the people who meant the most to me. I now realize that I was afraid that if I spoke about it my uncle might hurt me or my family. I felt that I needed to wait until I was in my forties and I read what Tamar said until I could open up and allow myself to admit that it happened, he did it to me and I should not be afraid to say so. I think it is time for me to allow myself to heal.”

Another woman who has cigarette burns on her abdomen told her husband that they were not burns but birthmarks. She went on to tell me that her tutor threatened to burn her entire body if she did not submit to him sexually. She did submit to him for two years once a week and told no one. She is now in her mid twenties. She told her husband and her parents just this week, a decade after the abuse began. She prefaced her new found voice by asking her husband and her parents to read the article that contained Tamar’s story. Her parents are incredulous but more importantly, her husband hugged her and cried with her and is supportive of her.

A sixteen year old girl called me to say that a friend asked her to read Tamar’s words. She did and decided to call me. She wants to remain anonymous but wants to find a way to tell her parents that her seventeen year old brother is abusing her younger sister.  ”I can’t keep this a secret anymore. I am afraid for my sister and even for my brother.”

Why do people who are abused keep their secrets? There is only one reason – fear. A fear of not being believed if they tell, a fear of being hurt by the abuser because many abusers groom their victims into believing that they will hurt them and their relatives if they utter anything about their abuse, and a fear that they themselves, despite having been victimized, will be shunned or accused of some wrong doing and thereby be further victimized.

Secrets are painful, especially fearsome, hurtful secrets. They are like a cancer that envelops emotions. They can metastasize from a person’s emotions to the core of their personality and can change the character of the individual who, because of the fear, holds on too tightly to their secrets. One can heal only if they push themselves to confront their fears and overcome them. They can heal only if they find a way to take the pain of their abuse and put it in its correct place – on the cause of the pain – the person who hurt them and what the abuser did.

To heal you must admit that you have been hurt. To protect yourself you must acknowledge who has hurt you. To protect yourself and others you must speak about the pain and the abuser who caused it. If not for yourself then for the others that the abuser may be targeting. There should be no more secrets when it comes to abuse.

Dr. Michael J. Salamon is on the executive board of The Awareness Center.  He is also a fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in New York.

For Tamar, A Brave Survivor

For Tamar, A Brave Survivor

By Michael J. Salamon

The Times of Israel - December 20, 2012

I often receive letters, e-mails and texts from people commenting on some topic or suggesting that I write about an incident. I try to respond to as many as of these as possible while avoiding those that are not constructive. Someone called me a hero for tackling a range of topics considered taboo and writing a book on the Shidduch Crisis and another one on the topic of Abuse. I am without a doubt not a hero but I am very much moved by the people I treat, to help and empower them to form a better life and overcome the challenges of their past.  

I do not focus exclusively on nor do I write write primarily about abuse but the restrictions society places on the topic makes it a fascinating read for many and causes it to collect some notoriety.

There are, unfortunately, many forms of abuse. There have been several recent publicized cases of teachers, rabbis and unlicensed counselors abusing the children entrusted to them. There have even been reports of parents abusing children.The public is becoming much more aware of these situations and when I write about the accepted statistic that one in about four women and one in about eight men will be abused by the time their are eighteen there is a pause to contemplate the enormity of this information. I have considered writing about yet another form of abuse. It exists, I have treated people who have been abused by older siblings .- incest between siblings, but I have not found a way to address it, that is until now. Tamar, someone I do not know, sent me an E mail about her experience. I excerpt it here with her permission in the hope that it raises awareness and helps her heal.

I remember the day I realized I was a victim. I was sitting by the pool with a friend gossiping about girls we knew from summer camp.“She feels she has no innocence anyway” my friend said about another girl at the pool  ”she was raped by her brother, so why should she save herself?” 

I look up in disgusted shock. Unfortunately at age 14 it already was not uncommon to hear that someone was sexually abused, but incest?

“Yea and her parents won’t do anything about it, so she’s angry. Her mother is a yeshiva principal, this would destroy their reputation, so they don’t help her.” 

I ask about another girl. She answers “Well, she wasn’t  raped, but she was molested by her older brother and her parents won’t do anything about it either.” 

The words repeated over and over. She was molested by her older brother. Somewhere in my subconscious things start ticking away. These thoughts assault me like being held underwater.  Never in my life had I even given any thought to putting a name or title on what had happened to me. Instead  I  buried it  in a closet in my heart and never thought about it . Until that very moment, at a pool party, one week before starting high school memories.  Molested? Me? It couldn’t be! Such an ugly word could not possibly describe something that happened to me!  I sit down by my old school desktop PC. I type those hateful words into Google ‘She was molested by her brother’.  I begin to read firsthand accounts of sibling molestation. Some stories describe my life verbatim.

“It’s just a game, don’t be afraid. We’re just kidding around!” He says to me.

“But it’s weird I don’t think we should do it” I reply.

“Don’t worry everyone does it, it’s just a game! ” His response seems convicing.

I flashback to the time I confessed to my parents. I was ten. They freaked out, and I believed the fury was aimed at me. They went screaming out of the room to find my brother. He told them I was pulling a prank and I was repeating stuff I heard on TV. They ate it up. Obviously it’s easier to accept a lie then deal with a harsh truth like this. I got yelled at to never ever joke about something like that again. Well, I didn’t. I felt so ashamed for taking part in something so disgusting that it would cause such an uproar, ashamed for making my parents angry, and ashamed for betraying my brother.

The “games” stopped after that. Though they made a reappearance every once in a while as I grew into an adolescent. There were days I would come home and find my brother lying in my bed, exposed. He would tell me I owed it to him. And I did owe him. My brother took the place that my parents should have occupied. He bought me clothes, school supplies; he fought my battles for me. He taught me how to play sports and he introduced me to new friends.

As a very young adult, I was  blind, deaf, and mute when the games would reappear.  My brain knew I should run, yell, tell him he’s sick. But every time I would just stare in shock, frozen in place, not knowing what to do or say. Words unable to leave my tongue.

Despite these memories, it took me until I was fourteen years old, in the middle of a pool party to realize that something had gone very wrong in my life.

She was  molested by her older brother

Those words changed my life.

I feel like many people have an image of what a survivor of sexual abuse looks like. No longer religious, angry, estranged from the family, dresses rebelliously. I can tell you I am none of those things. If you pass me on the street you will see a standard young Jewish woman, typically found in a blouse and pencil skirt. A rising young professional, with a good relationship with God, my family, and especially with my brother.  I look and act just like you, and just want to move forward with my life. Soak up this image, because it describes the majority of survivors.  This is reality.

There are many messages in Tamar’s piece but none so glaring as this – abuse can happen and when a child reports it they should be believed.

Weberman and Tzniut

Weberman and Tzniut

By Michael J. Salamon

Times of Israel - December 13, 2012

 

Convicted Sex Offender Nechemya Weberman

Many have not wanted to follow the Nechemya Weberman trial in Brooklyn but many have felt compelled to follow the proceedings passionately. How could you miss that trial? Virtually every single media outlet covered the story. Just a few days ago the jury returned their verdict. Mr. Weberman, a 54-year-old unlicensed therapist who is a Satmar Hasid, was found guilty on 59 counts all related to sexual abuse of a girl sent to him for therapy by her school.

Mr. Weberman was designated by the Satmar community and the Vaad Hatznius, its modesty squad, as an expert in treating adolescents who are oppositional and getting them to alter their rebelliousness, to become more like what the Satmar community expects them to be, or maybe what the Vaad Hatznius wants them to be. The girl, now 18 years old, was ”treated” by him from the time she was 12 years old until she was 15. In that time he admitted that he saw her one on one behind locked doors, took her away for 12 hours, purchased lingerie using money misappropriated from a charity and, essentially presented himself as an unlicensed, untrained professional while still expecting all to see him as the wronged party.

Unfortunately, there are far too many who do see him that way. Making comments like “He was convicted without any evidence,” or worse “It just shows that a hasid cannot get a fair trial in America” his supporters still believe that he is an angel and did no wrong. Never mind that the evidence is clear – he admitted practice without a license, locking the girl up with him and so forth, along with the fact that according to the District Attorney, there were others who reported having been abused by him.  Weberman’s sanctimonious indifference and his supporters virulence makes a mockery not so much of the justice system but what Satmar should be and most often is.

A friend said to me that he is now “embarrassed to wear a yarmulke in public because of Weberman” as if this abuser is representative of anything that Jews and Judaism stand for. It is not that so much though as the fact that those seeking to defend him want the rest of the world to give their community a pass, to believe that all are angels and do no wrong. It is this brazenness that creates a well spring of anger toward people who in one form or another depict themselves as being above the law.

On the media side are a group of optimistic editorialists who suggest that this trial marks a turning point in the insular Satmar community’s approach to dealing with psychopaths, abusers and con artists. Now that “the lid has been blown off” of the secret that child abuse does exist the Satmar world will, according to these individuals, finally realize that it must do the right thing and protect the children. It is a wishful position. Insular individuals and their communities tend to retreat even further when confronted by realities they cannot or will not accept – evidence provided by the fact that one of the two Grand Satmar Rabbis referred to the girl who accused and testified against Weberman as a prostitute.

Perhaps more interesting is the fact that while Weberman’s trial was taking place; in another part of the same courthouse another religious man was convicted of sexually abusing young boys. Outside of child advocates and legal experts that case received only a passing notice from both the media and the Jewish world. I believe that it may be because the other case was of a religious man but not a Hasid. In the religious world outside of Hasidus, there is an increasing awareness of the need to find and prosecute sexual offenders. That man did not get $500,000 of financial/legal aid from his community like Weberman did. There were no rallies to support his offensive behaviors like Weberman had. He was wrong and the community allowed the jury to decide how to handle him.

In writing this I find that I am especially troubled by two aspects of this situation. I know of many Hasidim, Satmar included, who are the type of people who care for others. They run Bikur Cholim programs that are second to none in tending to the sick. They provide assistance to individuals who are ill and give charity beyond measure. I and other family members work with members of the Satmar community and have assisted them in dealing with their range of issues. So I am troubled that within the hierarchy of the Satmar group there appears to be this nagging desire among some to continue to sweep this form of pathology under the carpet. I am also very much disturbed by the ongoing use of unlicensed individuals. We know that molesters prey on the vulnerable. To treat individuals who are in need and therefore vulnerable requires, at a minimum, the basics of ethics and science in providing the correct intervention. Satmar Hasidim are treated by the finest medical physicians. It is about time that they did the same for their psychological needs and stop using individuals whose only diploma is that they are friends with members of the Vaad Hatznius.

The right to heal from child sexual abuse

The right to heal from child sexual abuse

By Vicki Polin

The Examiner - November 28, 2012

One of the most important aspects of helping a sex crime survivor heal is to encourage them to find ways to feel empowered. This is a critical step because during the crime(s) committed against the survivor, choice was taken away from them. By allowing a survivor to choose what happens to them after the assault and encouraging them to trust their own judgement and make decisions, an individual who was a victim of a sex crime can begin to regain a sense of self. It is for this reason that it is vitally important for someone working with survivors to stay unbiased, neutral and non-manipulative when it comes to survivors choosing NOT to file police reports or having their cases prosecuted.

Over the last few years various individuals have been acting on their own, or created their own organizations, declaring that they were experts and knew how to advocate for survivors –– and solve the problem of sex crimes in the chasidic world in Brooklyn. It appears that it has become standard policy to manipulate survivors into making police reports or having the survivor blackmail their offenders into making cash payments to them to avoid potential prosecution. 

The mindset of these untrained advocates has been that unless a survivor makes a police reports and have the offenders prosecuted whenever possible, even if it goes against the wish of the survivor -- the survivor can not heal. What ends up happening is that the crime victim ends up feeling re-victimized which may lead to an increase of instances of self-harm, a few suicide attempts and even death.

Jim Hopper, Phd

When asked if survivors should press charges against their offenders? and, If so, when? Psychologist Jim Hopper, who is a clinical instructor in psychology at Harvard Medical School, replied: “It depends on so many factors. What if any relationship does the person who was abused have with the perpetrator now?” “And what about relationships of the abused person's family members and other significant people with the perpetrator, and what if any influence does the perpetrator have in the community?” 

The number one concern needs to be to help the survivor heal and make sure they have a strong support system in place, prior to making a police report –– if that’s what they choose to do.

“Because statutes of limitations can differ across states and countries, it's critical to know how long the person has to decide whether or not to press charges.”

“The person may need helping sorting out what they are hoping to achieve [by a licensed mental health professional who specializes in sexual abuse/assault], which may include holding to account, revenge, protecting others -- and it's always a mix of motives. It's also important to take an inventory of the resources one can bring to what could be a long and very difficult process. Internal resources include realistic expectations about he process and outcomes, and one's capacity to deal with major disappointments. External resources include money, competent attorneys, and support from family and friends.”

“Finally," says Hopper, "people should be cautioned that once they go the legal route and involve attorneys (who have a financial motive, even if they also have a strong motive to seek justice), then other potential avenues of healing and justice involving the perpetrator will most likely get shut down, permanently. This may be most important for those whose perpetrators are family members.”

Polly Poskin, who has been the executive director of ICASA (Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault) for just over 31 years, and who has authored numerous laws in Illinois, shared her thoughts on this topic: 

Polly Poskin - Executive director of ICASA

"It should always be the survivor's choice whether to request that criminal charges be filed against her or his perpetrator. If a survivor chooses to request charges be filed, it is best for the investigation that she or he report sooner than later, but that is often impossible for a victim of child sexual abuse. The perpetrator may be a family member or a friend of the family, or a teacher or her spiritual leader. How would a child challenge such authority? How would a child find his or her own way to a prosecutor's office? Thanks to victim advocates who have gone through the forty hour training and educated policy makers, laws have changed to accommodate the barriers faced by survivors of child sexual abuse. For instance, in Illinois, a survivor of child sexual abuse can request that criminal charges be brought against her perpetrator up to 20 years past the age of majority (20 years of age). This law recognizes that a child may have to grow into adulthood before she has the physical independence and emotional strength to seek justice for the heinous abuse perpetrated against her as an innocent, dependent child. All survivors have remarkable resilience and awesome courage. They may need supportive loved ones and/or victim advocates to help push open the doors of a once reluctant criminal justice system. We all have an obligation to create access where once denied and promote justice when so well deserved." 

The key words in both Hopper’s and Poskin’s responses were that survivors need to be given the choice. Yes, it is important to inform the survivor of all legal remedies available to them, yet victim advocates MUST provide survivors of these options from a nonjudgmental, unbiased perspective.

One of the most important aspects of working with survivors of sex crimes or any form of child abuse is to follow the survivors own agenda. A trained victims advocate will learn how to separate out what they personally want a survivor to do, from what the needs and wants of the individual they are trying help needs and wants to do. 

Unfortunately, this is not what always happens with untrained, self-proclaimed victim advocates. There has been case after case in which self-proclaimed advocates have jumped on the bandwagon and inadvertently pressure survivors to follow an agenda that is not in the best interest of the individual survivor.

Michael J. Salamon, PhD

New York Psychologist, researcher and author, Michael J. Salamon reiterated the views of Dr. Hopper when he stated: “Every survivor comes with their own history and pain. Some survivors are more resilient, others more motivated. The question can and should be answered by each individual survivor after they have explored the benefits and costs to them in their own therapy.”

Timothy J. Conlon

Attorney Timothy J. Conlon who’s law office is in Providence, Rhode  Island shares the views of therapists in stating: “The most difficult cases are those in which no other victims have come forward. Being the first is hard. That said, more often than not even the first finds they are the first of many to come forward, once they find the strength. I suggest having the support of your therapist in making the decision that you are strong enough to hold the perp accountable, and when you are, to do so.”

Mic Hunter, PhD

Author/Psychologist, Mic Hunter shared “I counsel clients that the legal process criminal and civil are very stressful. If going through the courts empowers the client then I am all for it. But if the stress of the court system puts the client at serious risk of suicide or other serious problems then I don't think it is worth that. Also I ask the survivor what he or she hope to get from court proceedings. Inhale found that even some of those who get a settlement from a civil case, or see their perpetrator go to prison are still left dis-satisfied because they wanted the offender to say he or she is sorry, but that doesn't happen.”

Jim Austin -Social Worker

Social worker, Jim Austin of Peterborough, Ontario Canada who specializes in working with adult survivors of child sexual abuse, believes that a survivor should only utilize the legal system “when and if they [survivors of child sexual abuse] have the strength to speak their truth. If a Survivor chooses to proceed, they should be sure to have a support network in place. It's going to be a bumpy ride.”

If you are a survivor of a sex crime and live in Brooklyn or any place else, it is imperative that if someone calls themselves an advocate and wants to work with you, be sure this individual is trained and connected to a legitimate rape crisis center affiliated with your states coalition against sexual assault. It is the only way you can be sure that the “advocate” has gone through the proper training program and is being supervised by a trained professional. 

If you are a crime victim and feel as if someone is trying to manipulate you or is suggesting that you on your own blackmail your offender into financially compensating you in exchange for not reporting the crime to the police, it is important to report these incidents to your local states attorney’s office. It is important to know that any form of manipulating a crime victim can also be seen as a form of witness tampering, which is a crime and depending on the circumstances the defendant could face jail time. As a survivor you have a right to decide for yourself if and when you make a police report -- let alone have your offender prosecuted. You have a right to heal in what ever manor works best for you.

Suggested by the author:

• Pirkei Psychotherapia: Ethics of our Psychotherapists
• Being an educated consumer: Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse/Assault
• The New Generation: How young adult hassidim are changing
• Regarding the SOVRI Helpline and Mandated Reporting
• Are Some Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Kiruv Organizations Feeder Groups For Cults?

The Easy Way to Pain

The Easy Way to Pain

By Michael J. Salamon

Times of Israel - October 22, 2012

It seems that we are always looking for an easy way out. We all want easy, simple, straight forward answers to all of our questions, answers  that provide us with an effortless way to deal with the problems we encounter in our daily lives. We expect to go to an authority and present our conundrum and within seconds get the magic bullet response that will immediately resolve the matter. This is precisely the reason why doctors give antibiotics to patients even when they know that the patients symptoms are caused by a virus and the antibiotic is not likely to help. But, as a potent type of placebo, and only because we want to believe it, the antibiotic does help to ease the patient who seeks the easy answer.

Doctors have been faulted for allowing this to continue but they are often pressured into compliance by the realities of the patients they treat.  It is the silver bullet and that is what people want. Students want to know exactly what will be on the test so that all they have to study is that limited topic to succeed. There is only limited interest in learning and understanding for its own sake. So teachers have been put into the position of teaching only for the test and as a result scores in overall knowledge and achievement have been declining. No matter, this is what is demanded of both students and teachers so both groups are compelled to comply. Similarly, we seek answers for deep metaphysical and religious issues from our halachic leaders with the same expectation of a simple answer. But, even worse, we also seek answers to issues they are not prepared to deal with. Unfortunately, they too are often eager to comply with an easy response.

This is not a question of who is at fault, we all are. It is more an issue of buying into a simple mindset which says that “all we want is to be told what to do.” But there are severe consequences with this approach. In medicine the consequence is that we are seeing the emergence of the super bug, the germ that will no longer be curbed by any antibiotics now available to us. In education, according to many, we are seeing the demise of creative thinking and the expansion of a society of students eager to learn little and play a lot on the newest technology. In religion we are seeing the rise of the rigid thinker who cannot entertain two ideas simultaneously out of a misdirected fear that their spirituality will be compromised rather then seeing the possibility of it being enhanced.

The results of a recently released unpublished study which reportedly indicates that 50% of students from Daati Leumi, or modern orthodox, families drop out of religious observance (or is it complete belief that they drop out of – hard to know because the study is not available for review) is being touted as proof by several rabbis that the modern orthodox lifestyle is a failure. They are using this as proof that haredism is the only way toward orthodox spirituality. This is yet another simplistic reaction to an issue that is complex and may have more to do with how students perceive the rigid training they from these very same rabbis. Furthermore, it may not even be true – you cannot evaluate the accuracy or validity of a study that is not published. Meanwhile, the same rabbis overlook published studies with results that can be verified, if not necessarily replicated, that anxiety disorders, are higher in haredi communities, substance abuse rates are similar in haredi and daati leumi communities and the dirty little secret that is never discussed is that drop out rates for religious observance may be highest in the most restrictive religious communities according to at least one study. Some of the studies suggest that many may maintain the external dress and appearances of the haredi world but personally do not keep the religious obligations of their belief system.

In a similar vein by indicating to their followers that they must first get approval from their leaders before filing a complaint with the appropriate authorities they still seek easy answers to dealing with such horrific problems as childhood sexual abuse. In this case, the easy answer is to deny and sweep it under the rug. It is absolutely true that there is a new social approach which states that abusers should be reported but it comes with the caveat that an expert rabbi should still be first consulted. The law states otherwise. The law requires the reporting of any reasonable suspicion. This is a requirement of the law for good reason. Only trained forensic specialists, usually only those in police or investigative forensics work, have the knowledge and experience to properly determine the veracity of a report of abuse, not a rabbi. There is a good deal of replicated research to support this but the knowledge base is not reviewed, again we allow ourselves to take the easy way out. By telling the rabbi we assume we are protected. But, this way is the easy way again and we are not only not protected we may be culpable in causing more abuse. Easy answers, only create more conflicts and pain.

The Police and the Rabbi

The Police and the Rabbi

By Michael J. Salamon

Times of Israel - August 19, 2012

What does it take to garner attention from the police? Now, what does it take for a Rabbi who is regarded as a respected member of a community to have the police and other authorities show up unannounced at his school, his charitable foundation or his summer camp and remove all the official documents, computers, ledgers and telephone records? We can all answer together – “Suspicion of a crime.” Most often it is the alleged misappropriation of several million dollars that should have been used for a child care or homebound services program but was instead used to invest and amass personal fortunes. I know what a minority of you are thinking – “The police are anti-Semites.”  Some cynics are thinking “Most people don’t get caught. Too bad that he was.” Others of you are thinking “No big deal. He will get a good attorney and work out a plea deal.” And still others are thinking, correctly –“This is happening with a frequency that is disturbing. We are totally embarrassed.” Some will add the addendum “Did he have to have a beard and wear the clothing that marks him as one of us?”
 

Now I will tell you what I am thinking: This is a much bigger issue than simple embarrassment, shock and anger. We have given ourselves over to spirituality, based on practice not thought or insight. We have allowed ourselves to be lulled into believing that the more stringent the leader, the more strident their publicly declared behaviors to serve their unique form of spirituality the more likely they are to be holy or closer to G-d.  We have created a form of  shared delusional thinking based on the belief that we are not sufficiently educated but those who scream the loudest are and they alone can guide us on this roller coaster ride we call living.
 

There was a time when more of our leaders were broadly educated with extensive secular knowledge. There was a time when religious Judaism was based on the rabbinical principals found in the Talmud, even in the Shulchan Aruch, where other, even contrarian positions, are respected and discussed and openly aired. We did not necessarily agree with the other side but we listened and respected. We have given that away to individuals who have falsely told us that predatory sexual molestation does not occur in our schools, where it is alright to throw someone out of a seat on a bus or airplane, where it is acceptable to hurl obscenities along with rocks at young girls not because they are dressed immodestly but simply that they are not dressed according to a standard that is followed by a minority. We will also be asked to contribute to a fund to help our arrested rabbis pay for their legal team and very expensive defense funds.
 

I know that this is sounding like a rant and in some ways it is. A good part of my intensity comes from the fact that I occasionally treat individuals who have been misled by this system. Had they gotten the proper help initially their disorders would never have become so severe. This orthopraxic system should be failing in so many ways but is hanging on with the intensity of a cognitive dissonance so passionate that people do not even hear the confusion in their own heads.
 

Let me give you some examples: After spending eight years in a religious girl’s school more than half the class cannot write a coherent paragraph nor do mathematical percentages. Parents rationalize this by saying that these skills are not critical in their world.  In another example a young girl was diagnosed with a significant learning disability. The professional evaluator, neurologist and a consulting psychologist all recommended a special educational environment in a different school setting. A rabbi told the parents that he will take care of the child’s academic needs in his school which has no real remediation programs for a child like this. Three years later at an evaluation follow up the report suggested that the child had fallen even farther behind in her basic skills and is performing at a level lower than first reported.  The parents still refuse to move the child to the right educational setting. And, then there is still the rabbi who tells children at his summer camp not to tell their parents that they were abused by a delivery man. Or the rabbi who told me that the young boy I evaluated was not abused despite the fact that the boy clearly described what happened to him just a week earlier.
 

Some will argue that these examples and unfortunately many others is what helped them decide that religion is bankrupt and does not work for them. But that is akin to throwing out the baby with the bathwater. That too is not a healthy approach. We can find a way to reduce orthopraxic rigidity. That simply means that we apply reason to religious issues and choose rabbis who think broadly too. It is also important to accept that people are just that, people, with all the foibles that individuals have. There will always be bad apples. We have to develop the ability to rationally accept that fact and not allow those bad apples to rise to a level of power that causes us to be dependent and thereby too forgiving. Unless we do that we should not be shocked the next time the police raid a rabbi’s organization.

Seating for Internet Morals - Call of the Godolei Yisroel

Dr. Michael J. Salamon on Mandated Reporting

The Mikvah - Suggested Protocols to Protect Minors

Mandated Reporting in NJ: Dr. Pelcovitz, what are you thinking?

by Vicki Polin

Examiner - May 6, 2012
http://www.examiner.com/article/mandated-reporting-nj-dr-pelcovitz-what-are-you-thinking

The saga continues with the dynamic duo of David Mandel (director of Ohel Family Services) and David Pelcovitz (licensed psychologist and Yeshiva University professor). Both have been speaking at workshops in haredi communities around the United States and NOT providing parents with the most important information needed to protect their children from being abused.  Once again these two self proclaimed experts omitted providing parents in Lakewood, NJ the necessary information regarding mandated reporting.

The ongoing issues of Pelcovitz and Mandel not talking about mandated reporting during workshops is partially due to the fact they continuously cave into political pressures from various rabbonim -- who mandate that individuals get permission from rabbis prior to reporting suspicions of child abuse and or neglect to law enforcement officials or making hotline reports without the permission of local rabbis first.  Several experts in the field of mind control have described the ciphering information to its membership by any community leader, such as the rabbonim of Lakewood, as being a form of cult like behavior.

On May 3rd, Dr. Pelcovitz and David Mandel spoke at a symposium held at Ateres Riva that was sponsored by the Lakewood Community Services Corporation, and organized by Rabbi Moshe Velvel Weisberg who is a member of the Vaad of Lakewood (Jewish religious court).

A few days after the event an audio recording of psychologist David Pelcovitz was released on youtube.com.  On that recording Dr. Pelcovitz  admits to a concerned parent that he was asked NOT to discuss calling the police in suspected cases of child abuse during the workshop.
What is interesting is that in the state of New Jersey, EVERYONE is a mandated reporter, including individuals giving workshops on child abuse and neglect.  In New Jersey, mandated reporting does NOT mean going to your local orthodox rabbi first to get permission.  The truth is that pressures from the rabbonim in Lakewood could also be construed as a form of witness tampering, and should be reported to local, state and federal law enforcement officials.

In the Asbury Press article published back in 2009, “Culture clash: Secular law and the Torah: Orthodox community deals with sexual abuse”,  Rabbi Weisberg stated:  “The town's rabbinical leaders strongly deny their residents are discouraged from reporting suspicions to law enforcement as a way to avoid outside stigma. If anything, they say, there is an increased hypersensitivity toward ridding the community of offenders swiftly and openly. But because of an inherent distrust in the secular legal system, a fear of a destroyed reputation or an uncertainty of the evidence, another option is needed. Their system offers those people who are reluctant to go to authorities another channel through which to bring allegations that otherwise would never be heard.” . .  .  "The moral weight of a Bais Din can have a tremendous effect as an incentive for perpetrators to stop their activity for fear of community sanctions,"

During the 2006 Agudath Israel of America conference, Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon -- who is not only a highly respected teacher at Lakewood's Beth Medrash Govoha yeshiva, he’s also the head spiritual advisor (mashgiach ruchanai) -- and is one of the rabbonim who allegedly apply pressure not to report suspicions of child abuse and neglect to authorities, addressed the handling of sensitive matters such as sex crimes in the context of criticizing anonymous bloggers.

"Yes, I would say we do sweep under the carpet sometimes," Salomon said at a 2006 convention for Agudath Israel of America, a national organization of Jewish leaders. "You know what we sweep under the carpet? Not what we don't do; what we do. Do these people know how many times perpetrators have been dealt with? Do these people know to what extent one had to have the courage to stand up against public opinion in order to make sure to protect our children? The only thing is, that was swept under the carpet, because we protect human dignity . . . And sometimes if the thing is not proven 100 percent, yes, we are guided by the Torah . . . . we don't jump to conclusions but we are consequent."
In 2009 Rabbi Salomon reiterated “that perpetrators and predators must be punished, albeit not in the limelight."

In 2009 Rabbi Salomon reiterated “that perpetrators and predators must be punished, albeit not in the limelight."

According to psychologist, Michael J. Salamon, author of the book “ABUSE in the Jewish community”, "If you are a mandated reporter and you delay making a report you are contributing to the abuse of others."

A great example of the abuses and neglect of the community leaders in Lakewood include the story of Shua Finkelstein, who was a survivor of sexual abuse who and lost his battle with a drug addiction.  Soon after his death a letter was discovered on his computer, which was made public.  A few weeks later on April 14, 2009 his families home was gutted by fire.  Luckily no one was home.  The police report cited arson was the likely cause. 

A great example of the abuses and neglect of the community leaders in Lakewood include the story of Shua Finkelstein, who was a survivor of sexual abuse who and lost his battle with a drug addiction.  Soon after his death a letter was discovered on his computer, which was made public.  A few weeks later on April 14, 2009 his families home was gutted by fire.  Luckily no one was home.  The police report cited arson was the likely cause.

It wasn’t until Shua was 19 years old that he had enough courage to disclose to his mother that starting at the age of 6 he started being molested by and older male.  After Shua’s death his mother Rivkah Finkelstein was asked why she didn't report the crime to the police.  Rivkah responded by saying the idea of reporting didn't occur to her.  Like many others living in communities like Lakewood, she was given the impression that by reporting the abuse she might increase the incidents of anti-Semitism or even start another pogrom.  The message to community members was that it was best if issues like this were handled by the rabbonim.  Eventually, Shua Finkelstein’s alleged offender was put into therapy.  Yet no one knows if the therapist was someone trained in working with sexual predators.

Going to a bet din (Jewish religious court) to handle sex crimes is ludicrous. The truth is that not one rabbi has forensic training let alone taught victim sensitive interviewing techniques -- which take us back to the fact that by David Pelcovitz and David Mandel not teaching parents in Lakewood to make hotline reports, they are enabling sex offenders to continue on with their molesting careers.

Please help educate the parents in Lakewood along with other  ultra-orthodox communities in New Jersey that if you suspect a child is being abused or neglected YOU ARE MANDATED to call 1-877-652-2873.  If the child is in immediate danger, call 911 as well as 1-877 NJ ABUSE. A concerned caller does not need proof to report an allegation of child abuse and can make the report anonymously.

RESOURCES:

• How and When to Report Child Abuse/Neglect in New Jersey
• Witness Tampering - New Jersey Law
• The quasi-orthodox Jewish world compared to the "BITE" Model of Cult Mind Control (11/06/2013)