A Song that offers hope, courage and strength

This song that offers hope, healing, courage and strength is dedicated to every adult and child who was abused by family members.


In My Own Little Chair - Cinderella
Sung by Lesley Ann Warren 
Music by Rogers and Hamerstein's

Healing from Child Abuse: The Cocoon Story

Healing 101: Relief from Flashbacks

Just For Fun: Sukkot

One of the most important aspects of healing from sexual abuse/assault is being able to either introduce or reintroduce fun into your life.  Below are some FUN youtube clips.

L'Shana Tova!

Speak Your Mind!

Non-Conformity and Healing From Childhood Trauma

Healing From Trauma: 101

Glossary of Initials and Other Professional Degrees, Organiazations & Other Jargon

Glossary of Initials:

Professional Degrees, Organizations  and Other Jargon

(© 1994, Rev. 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2002, 2003) By Vicki Polin ,MA, ATR, LCPC

A.A.T.A	American Art Therapy Association
A.B.A.	American Bar Association
A.B.E.C.S.W.	American Board of Examiners in Clinical Social Work.
A.C.E.P.	Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology
A.C.S.W.	Academy of Certified Social Worker
ADTA	American Dance Therapy Association
A.D.T.R.	Academy of Dance Therapist Registered
A.M.A.	American Medical Association
A.M.H.C.A.	American Mental Health Counselors Associaton
A.P.A.	American Psychological Association
A.P.A.	American Psychiatric Association
A.S.A.	Assistant States Attorney (can be in either Juvenile and/or Criminal Court)
A.T.R.	Art Therapist Registered
A.T.R.-B.C.	Art Therapist Registered - Board Certified.
AYA	American Yoga Association
B.A.	Bachelor of Arts Degree
B.C.D.	Board Certified Diplomat (given by ABECSW to social workers)
B.S.	Bachelor of Science
B.S.N.	Bachelor of Science in Nursing
B.S.W.	Bachelors Degree in Social Work
C.A.C.	Certified Addictions Counselor
C.A.D.C.	Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor
CCGC	Certified Compulsive Gambling Counselor
C.E.T.	Certified Expressive Therapist
C.R.C.	Certified Rehabilitation Counselor
C.E.U.	Continuing Education Units
C.M.T.	Certified Massage Therapist.
DASA	Department of Alcohol and Substance Abused (Illinois)
D.C.	Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine
D.C.F.S.	Dept. of Children and Family Services (Illinois)
D.C.P.	Department of Child Protection
D.C.S.W.	Diplomate in Clinical Social Work. (Given to Social Workers by the NASW..)
D.D. Dually	DSMIV Diagnosis and/or Developmentally Delayed and/or Chemically Dependent
D. Ed.	Doctorate in Education
Det.	Detective
Dipl. Ac.	Diplomat of Acupuncture
Dipl. Hom.	Diplomat of Homeopathic Medicine
D.N.	Doctor of Napraprathy  or Doctor of Naturopathy
D.O.	Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine
D.P.M.	Doctor of Podiatric Medicine
Dr.	Doctor (can refer to an DSW, M.D., PhD, PsyD . . . ).
D.S.M.–IV	Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
D.S.W.	Doctorate in Social Work
DTR	Dance Therapist Registered
Dx	Diagnosis
FICPP	Fellow International College of Prescribing Psychologists
G.A.L.	Guardian Ad Litem. In Illinois, all children who are wards of the state are appointed a G.A.L. by Public Guardian's office. In some counties is the child's attorney in both juvenile and criminal court.
H.L.M.	Honorable Life Member (given to art therapist's by AATA).
Hx	History
IAAP	Illinois Association of Addiction Professionals
I.A.T.A.	Illinois Art Therapy Association.
IAODAPCA	Illinois Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Professional Certification Association
I.C.A.S.A.	Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault
I.C.A.D.V.	Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
ISSD	The International Society for the Study of Dissociative Disorders
I.T.P.	Individual Treatment Plan
JCASA	Jewish Coalition Against Childhood Sexual Abuse
J.D	Juris Doctor (degree given to an Attorney).
L.A.N. Local Area Network	(Community Mental Health Centers boundaries for funding).
L.C.P.C.	Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (in Illinois, Master Degreed Mental Health Provider.). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W.	Licensed Clinical Social Worker. (in Illinois, Master Degreed Mental Health Provider.). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W	Licensed Certified Social Worker (in Maryland, Master Degreed Mental Health Provide). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.C.S.W-C	Licensed Certified Social Worker - Clinical (in Maryland, Master Degreed Mental Health Provide). Can accept most insurance for payment.
L.D.	Licensed Dietitian.
L.L.M.	License of Law (requies a Masters Degree in Law).
L.M.H.C.	Licensed Mental Health Counselor (Requires Masters Degreed)
L.M.F.T.	Licensed Marriage, Family & Child Counselor.
L.P.C.	Licensed Professional Counselor (in Illinois, Bachelor Degree Provider).
L.P.N.	Licensed Practical Nurse
L.P.H.A.	Licensed Practitioner of the Healing Arts
L.S.W.	Licensed Social Worker
M.A.	Masters of Arts (can be in any field)
M.A.A.T	Masters of Arts in Art Therapy (From some programs).
M.C.A.S.A.	Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault
M.Ed	Masters of Education.
M.F.C.C.	Marriage, Family and Child Counselor.
M.D.	Medical Doctor
MDiv.	Masters of Divinity.
MHC	Mental Health Center
MI	Mental Illness/Mentally Ill.
MISA	Mentally Ill/Substance Abuse.
MPH	Masters of Public Health.
MS	Masters of Science (can be in any field).
MSN	Masters of Science in Nursing.
MSW	Masters degree in Social Work.
M.S.S.W.	Master's of Science in Social Work.
NAADAC	National Association of Addiction Professionals
NADT	National Association For Drama Therapy
N.A.S.W	National Association of Social Workers.
NBCC	National Board of Certified Counselors
OTR	Occupational Therapist Registered.
PA	Public Aid.
PAS	Pre-Admission Screening for nursing home and/or residential treatment. Needed for individuals on Medicaid (State of Illinois)
PD	Police Department.
PDR	Physicians' Desk Reference (book describing medication).
PhD	Doctor of Philosophy (can be in any field, i.e. psychology, social work, chemistry...)
PsyD	Doctorate of Psychology.
RA	Ritual Abuse
RD	Registered Dietitian
R.D.T.	Registered Drama Therapist (by the National Association For Drama Therapy).
RN	Registered Nurse.
Rx	Prescription/Prescribed
QMHP	Qualified Mental Health Professional (Master Degreed Level Professional).
QMRP	Qualified Mental Retardation Professional (Master Degreed Professional).
SASS	Screening, Assessment & Support Services. (Needed for individuals on Medicaid in the state of Illinois prior to being admitted to a psychiatric unit or facility.
SSA	Social Security Administration
SSDI	Social Security Disability Income
SSI	Social Security Income
Tx	Treatment Prescribed Treatment

"I Don't Believe You!"

"I Don't Believe You!"
© (2003) by Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

Neshema

"I don't believe you" are words that can destroy a neshema (soul).

What would it be like for someone who survived the terrorist attacks on September 11th to disclose their experience to a trusted friend, and then be told: "No, we don't believe you, this couldn't have happened, you must be making this up."

We all know that words can hurt, but we don't truly understand why telling someone who was victimized that their story is unbelievable can be incredibly damaging.

It's not uncommon for The Awareness Center to receive letters from rabbis and other community leaders, stating that various individuals from their community had come up to them and disclosed childhood secrets. These community leaders would discuss in their letters that they felt that they had good relationships with these survivors up until the point of disclosure, but now feel things have changed. Why? You may wonder. What happened? The rabbis' response to the individuals who came to see them was that they didn't believe they were indeed abused, and that the problems they had in their lives must have been caused by some other problems. What happened was that these people reached out to their rabbis with a gesture of trust, only to have their painful, personal disclosure dismissed and or discounted.

Such a disheartening exchange holds every potential for changing the relationships between a rabbi and members of his community. Not only is the survivor placed in a position to not trust the rabbi to be there for him/her in time of need; the rabbi himself might from then on view this person as unreliable and unstable, maybe even as potentially disruptive as a potential source of "Lashon Hara" (derogatory speech, that is true). Disclosures of abuse are extremely uncomfortable to listen to. They change our perception of people we thought highly of and believed to be wholesome, to incomprehensible perpetrators. They threaten our vision of the Jewish community is immune to such atrocities. However, as tempting as automatic denial of the authenticity of abuse disclosures might be, applying it without due cause short-changes everyone in the end. By categorically denying stories of abuse rabbis do not only unintentionally deny survivors the help they need in order to heal, they may also deny the perpetrators the help they need to stop abusing. Statistics show that sexual offenders often commit an average of seventy offenses by the time they are caught.

Unless an individual has had specialized training in the area of childhood molestation-and even then only under very specific circumstances, saying "I don't believe you" to someone who shares their trauma with you can be and often is perceived as another form of abuse. As it is, it's extremely hard for a survivor to disclose his/her stories. Experiences of sexual victimization are deeply private matters that often carry a significant amount of confusion and shame. And what does a survivor have to gain from such disclosure? More times than not, there is a lot more to lose than gain. In fact, often times people disclose IN SPITE of knowing that their disclosure may stigmatize them, but do so anyway in order to help save others from going through similar ordeals. When asked, most survivors of childhood abuse state that they would rather not expose themselves that way, would rather have the whole thing go away, would rather not remember that it even happened. Yes, they often yearn for understanding and validation, and it is sometimes why people share their stories, but sadly and all too often, their fears that the people they disclosed to would not look at them in the same light ever again, manifest. All too often people who disclose stories of childhood sexual abuse end up being seen as mentally ill and manipulative, rather than as dealing with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

True, there is often little or no proof that what people claim happened to them, actually did. At the same time, there is often little or no proof that it did not. True, it is far more comfortable to believe that things didn't happen, to hold on to the conviction that no one in your community is so corrupted that they would hurt a child this way. However, what if the stories you hear are true? How does one prove a memory when the only other witness to the event was the offender, who clearly has a vested interest in denying that it ever happened? What are you to do? How are you to decide what to believe?

It is important to remember that it is not your job to prove or disprove what you are hearing-this is what law enforcement and the judicial systems are for. When someone trusts you enough to disclose a deep dark secret, an experience as painful and devastating as childhood sexual abuse, all you are called to do is to listen, then help the survivor/s live the most productive, happy life possible. When you are chosen to bear witness to their stories, you are summoned to help them heal their "Neshema"-their spirit, their soul. You are given an opportunity to help reverse some of the damage that comes with sexual crimes, and to help the survivor see that he/she are good people, worthwhile individuals. That their experiences did not alter their birthright as a part of "Bnei-Israel." That you-the person they look up to-are there for them. That not all is lost.

There are laws in each state regarding mandated reporting to authorities when one becomes aware of possible abuse ("possible" being the operative word-all you need is the suspicion, it is up to the authorities to look into whether it is true). If you aren't already familiar with the laws in your state, call child protection services and find out what they are and if you are a mandated reporter. By listening to a disclosure, even by reporting suspected abuse, you are not proving that what the survivor told you is true or not true. Rather what you are saying to him/her is: "I respect you and your feelings enough to not dismiss you or shame you by letting my discomfort and my hope that it isn't true to come in the way of what you need, the protection that you, too, deserve."

Child abuse is a devastating reality, but it does not need to be a part of our communities' future. By listening to the people in your community and allowing those who were hurt to speak up and be heard, you can help the Jewish community as a whole take a big step toward healing. Take people's disclosure to you as a proof of their trust in you as a competent, compassionate, knowledgeable person, and suspend your personal judgment regarding the factual truth in their stories. According to both the Jewish and Secular law, "one is innocent until proven guilty"-this should include the survivor who discloses a story of abuse. Until there is clear proof that what they claim is not true (which due to the nature of the offense and the time-lag of disclosure, may not be available), saying to them "I don't believe you," deprives survivors of the same leeway that we rush to give the accused.

Many sexually abused children are told by their perpetrators, "Don't tell, because no one would believe you, because I'll say you are lying and they'll believe me, not you." Let's not make these words come true.

"I'm Rubber You're Glue. . ." (Self Protection from Projection)

"I'm Rubber You're Glue. . ." (Self Protection from Projection)

© (1996) Vicki Polin, MA, ATR-BC, LCPC, NCC 

It's kind of funny how things we say to protect ourselves as children can have great meaning as adults. Do you remember: "I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."? We can learn a lot from this poem. Many times, people we love and care about say things that are hurtful. Often what is said is a projection of their own feelings on to us; a kind of throwing out upon another that ideas that belong to them. The expression projection implies that what is cast upon another is considered undesirable to the one who projects. The one who blames another for his/her own mistakes or seeks a scapegoat is using projection as a coping mechanism.

Projection is one of the first defenses or protective mechanisms learned as a child. A child needs to feel a sense of importance. When this is threatened there becomes a need to feel a sense of some sort of magical power over another person, to feel safe, guiltless, important. When there is a conflict that is intolerable internally, a child will externalize the feelings on to someone or something. How many times have you heard stories bout a young child breaking something and saying "I didn't do it, Marc did it" or It just fell by itself". The child is unable to own his/her own feelings of guilt or shame. The same thing happens to us as adults.

But what do you do when you are the one who is being projected upon? What do you do with the feelings and protect yourself from feeling hurt? How do you disengage from the negative energy that is flowing? How do you NOT do unto others as they do unto you? The answers can be both simple and complex. The first step is being able to recognized a projection. The second step is learning not to internalize the feelings, in other words "Don't take it personally". Simple to say, yet extremely difficult to do. That's where remembering "I am rubber, you are glue..." comes in handy.

Most people want to have a good relationship with their family, friends, co-workers, yet experience difficulties because, as one client said "No one knows better than my parents and other family members how to push my buttons." "I get crazy and do and/or say things I wish I wouldn't." Sometimes I do things that are self-destructive just to make the feelings go away." Some common self-abusive behaviors include self-mutilation, suicide attempts, sexual acting out, alcohol/chemical abuse, binge eating, starving, etc. These symptoms can be a result of something someone said, or caused by intense feelings that one just doesn't know what to do with. Sometimes it feels like people I care about are trying to get me upset." "It feels like they want me to hurt myself". These are also projections.

Remember "I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you" may help separate your feelings from someone else's projection. When you are feeling under attack and the child within is panicking, it may be helpful to remember this poem. Say it loudly to yourself when you feel that someone is saying negative things to you that do not seem to fit. It may help to stay separate from the intense feelings someone is trying to give to you. It can be a way to protect yourself instead of owning their feelings. Most important is that it may also help you with some of the intense feelings that may trigger some of your own negative reactions.

Basic Principles of Assertive Philosophy

Basic Principles of Assertive Philosophy

1. By standing up for my rights I show I respect myself and achieve respect from other people.
2. By covering up my feelings so as to never hurt anyone, I end up hurting myself and other people.
3. Sacrificing my rights usually results in destroying relationships or preventing new ones from forming.
4. Not letting others know how I feel and what I think is a form of selfishness.
5. Sacrificing my rights usually results in training other people to mistreat me.
6. If I don't tell other people now, that their behavior has a negative effect on me, we are denying them an opportunity to change their behavior.
7. I can decide what's important for me, I do not have to suffer from the tyranny of the should and should not.
8. When I do what I think is right for me, I feel better about myself and have more authentic and satisfying relationships with others.
9. I have a natural right to courtesy and respect.
10. I have a right to express myself as long as I don't violate the rights of others.
11. There is more to be gained from life by being free and able to stand up for myself and from honoring the same rights of other people.
12. When I am assertive everyone involved will usually benefit.

Recovering from Sexual Abuse (Halacha /Jewish Law)

Recovering from Sexual Abuse (Halacha /Jewish Law)

© (1997) By Rabbi Ted Feldman (Reprinted by Permission)

Rabbi Ted Feldman

Q: I am 13 years old and attend a Jewish Day school. A few years ago I was sexually abused by a man at a local community center. I have suffered much pain because of this and i have never forgotten one aspect of the time it happened to me. I sometimes feel that I am the one to blame. I don't know what to do about this. Can you give me some good advice so that my hurt goes away?

A: It is so sad to hear that this has happened to you and that you are struggling so much with the pain in the aftermath of the event.

Sometimes we as human beings, have the strange notion that we are all powerful and can control everything that happens to us and in the world around us. For you to have been responsible for what happened means that you were totally in charge of the place, time, and circumstances...plus that you could, in some way, control what the other person thought about you and ultimately did to you. Even an adult has no such power, let alone a nine,ten, or eleven year old child whose knowledge, strength, experience is so limited.

The power that you do have is to not "reward" that event with such control over your life. Your success in living, learning, relating to people and all of the things you do...in spite of what happened, is the power that you have.

I hope you are asking for help with these feelings...counselor, rabbi, parents, friends, and that you can rid yourself of the hurt.

Perhaps you could create for yourself a little ceremony of ridding yourself of the hurt...writing all of the hurt on a piece of paper and, in the presence of family and friends...throw it in a river...or burn it or something to announce that you are ridding yourself of those feelings.

A Survivors Haggadah: For survivors of incest and other forms of child abuse

(© 1986) By Evy Gershon, Reprinted with Permission

Background information on the Survivors Haggadah:

This Seder grew out of an experience Evy Gershon had in November of 1985. A rabbi came to Kansas City to visit and gave workshops. One of the workshops was called "Scripture as dream, Midrash (Midrash is what comes between the lines of scripture) as therapy." The story in scripture that they worked with was the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt, crossing the Red Sea, wandering in the desert, and finally coming to the Promised land. Those who participated were asked to play parts in the same way that Gestalt therapists sometimes have clients play parts when interpreting a dream.

Evy Gershon volunteered to play the Jewish people who were fleeing from Egypt. Evy told the group that she couldn't go back because the Egyptians were chasing her, and she was afraid to go forward because the sea was in front of her. Evy felt weighted down by her worldly possessions. She felt vulnerable and mistrustful. The situation did not look good.

As Evy played her part, She thought how fitting the symbolism was for incest survivors. The ritual that goes with the story of the flight from Egypt is the Seder, the ritual dinner normally held on the first night of Passover. Evy decided to write a Seder for survivors of childhood sexual abuse who may still be struggling out of bondage, out of the narrow painful places in their minds. "Sometimes it feels that we have been wandering in the desert for a long time". She hopes that this ritual will remind us of the Promised Land of health and freedom; freedom from fear; freedom from engulfing rage; freedom to love and be whole.

Traditionally, the Seder consists of telling the story of the release from slavery in Egypt. The Bible instructs Jews to tell there children, "It is because of that which the Lord did for me when I came forth from Egypt," and explain the symbols on the Seder table in terms of the story.

The leader of the Seder introduces everyone at the table. Not everyone needs to be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Some are supportive friends and relatives.

---

The Seder Table

Seder Plate

1. Plate with three sheets of matzo, covered
2. Seder plate
   • Roasted egg
   • Roasted bone
   • Horseradish root
   • Parsley springs
   • Charoset (a mixture of nuts, apples, raisins, cinnamon, and grape juice)
3. A cup for each person
4. A cup for Elijah in the middle of the table
5. Unlit candles in candle holders
6. A bowl of salt water
7. A bowl for washing hands
8. Flowers
9. Pillows to lean on

Leader: We are gathered together to celebrate a festival of liberation. The Passover is a holiday that celebrates the release of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt. We can celebrate that release while thinking of and celebrating our own release.

This dinner is a Seder. Seder means order of the service accompanying the meal. There are traditions that we follow in that order. We discuss the foods and symbols on the table and relate them to the past as well as to our own lives now. We will explain the symbols, eat the food, drink the grape juice, tell the story of Passover, and answer some of the questions that might be in some of our minds.

Each of you should have a copy of the Haggadah, which is the book used at the Seder. We will take turns reading. I will read when the Haggadah says "leader" Each participant may read until the Haggadah says "leader" or "next participant". Anyone may pass the reading on to the next person if he or she does not want to read. Reading will pass to your left.

---

Candles

Participant: We light the candles to welcome the Passover. We light candles as a symbol of our struggle to bring light into the dark places of our lives, of our struggle toward the light, away from darkness, pain, and fear.

The dark has had power over us for too long. We light candles to reaffirm our commitment to the forces of good and light.

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who has commanded us to kindle the holiday lights. (The candles are lit.)

Blessed is the spirit of freedom in whose honor we kindle the lights of this holiday, Passover, the season of freedom.

Blessed is the force of life that brings us to this year's spring, to this renewal of our quest for freedom.

Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who has protected us, preserved us, and brought us safely forth to this happy time when we can be together.

---

Grape Juice (replacing wine)

Participant: At a traditional Seder, with four glasses of wine, people sometimes get tipsy and have a good time. At this Seder, we drink grape juice.

Wine is a traditional symbol of joy. For many of us, joy has been spoiled.

Sexuality should be a joy. The abuse we suffered spoiled that joy, made what should be joyful, confusing, frightening, painful, or risky.

For some of us, wine and all alcoholic drinks have been spoiled. What should have been joyful became evil in our lives, a source of pain and confusion.

Out of respect to those survivors for whom alcohol is now hurtful, we drink grape juice together. We share the fruit of the vine, but only before it is changed by aging.

Each cup represents an aspect of our healing. The first cup symbolizes trust. Trust is willingness to take a chance on the goodwill of others, to take a risk on our own luck. (All pick up cups).

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who created the fruit of the vine. (Drink grape juice.)

---

Washing of the Hands

Leader: could I please have two people to help us ceremonially wash our hands? (Helpers pass to each person with pitcher, bowl, and towel.)

We wash our hands together to remind ourselves that we can become clean in normal ways, that we are not permanently dirty or tainted because of what happened to us, no matter how strongly that illusion persists.

---

The Salt Water

Participant: The salt water traditionally represents the tears that the Israelite and Egyptian parents cried when their children were killed.

The Jewish children were killed by order of the Pharaoh. The Egyptian children were killed in the last of the ten plagues.

For us, the salt water may represent the tears we cried, and those tears we couldn't cry, for ourselves. Incest and sexual abuse can be a kind of murder, soul murder. We cry for the death of our childhood, the death of our innocence, the death of our trust.

Salt water also represents the tears of those who care for our pain. For some of us, this includes parents, for others, it includes brothers, sisters, friends, and therapists.

---

Parsley

Participant: Parsley represents spring. It represents the green of new life. It is slow growing. Sometimes when we plant parsley, we practically forget that we planted the seeds, it takes so long to grow. 

Sometimes the seeds of our healing are slow growing, almost forgotten, to spring forth when we've almost given up hope.

We dip the parsley in salt water to remember our sorrow from the past at the same time as we hope for the future. (Everyone takes a sprig of parsley and dips it into the bowl of salt water that is passed from person to person.)

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who created the fruit of the earth. (Eat parsley.)

---

Eggs

Participant: The egg is another symbol of spring, of the rebirth we want for ourselves and for each other.

Every spring, life is renewed. We hope for that renewal ourselves. It is as if we were also slaves. Slavery can represent enslavement to another person, or to painful memories. We can journey out of slavery, out of bondage, out of the narrow place in our spirit, into the freedom of wholeness and health. (Pass eggs and salt water to each person. Pour salt water over egg in bowl and eat).

---

Flowers

Participant: Flowers are symbolize spring and joy. They represent the gifts that we can give to ourselves to brighten our days. Flowers with their beauty offer a gift to the inner spirit. (Pass around one or more of the flowers on the table fore each person to enjoy.)

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who has made your world lack nothing, but have created in it beautiful creatures and beautiful blossoming trees and plants to give delight to the children of Adam and Eve.

Matzo

Participant: Matzo is the bread of affliction. It represents the bread that the Israelites made in haste. They did not have time to let it rise, in their haste to flee from Egypt

We have had to grow up without the leaven of honesty, about our lives and feelings. Some of us had to grow up without the love and caring of those whose parenting we needed. In some ways, our lives were left flat like these matzos because of the abuse we suffered. (The leader breaks the middle matzo from the three matzos covered by the napkin, and sets the broken part aside for the affikomen, the dessert. Traditionally, after the affikomen is eaten, no more food is taken until the next morning.)

(Share pieces of matzo from the table.)

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who brings forth food from the earth. (Eat matzo.. Pour grape juice for everyone.)

Participant: This is the second cup of grape juice. For us, it represents love, the ability to give and receive love, the openness and caring of love. It represents the willingness to pay attention to each other and ourselves and to share with one another.

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who created the fruit of the vine. (Drink grape juice)

---

The Four Questions from Some of Us who are New to the Tradition (Traditionally the four questions are asked by children.)

Participant who is new to the tradition: Why on this night do we eat only matzo?

Leader: We eat matzo to remember the haste of the past, the haste to get the abuse over with, so we can feel how different it is now when we have time to take care of ourselves and grow with the leaven of love and support.

Next participant who is new to the tradition: Why on this night do we eat only bitter herbs?

Leader: We eat bitter herbs to give us a chance to remember our bitterness, with the support of caring people.

Next participant who is new to the tradition: Why on this night do we dip our food in salt water two times?

Leader: We dip the first time to remember the times we cried alone. We dip the second time to think of the cleansing tears of grief cried in company with others of similar experience.

Next participant who is new to the tradition: Why on this night do we rest and relax on pillows while eating dinner?

Leader: We do this to remember that now we can rest and relax, to remember that we now have enough time to do whatever we need to do for ourselves. We no longer have the same reasons to be tense and anxious. When I was young, mealtimes were often a time of threats subtle and no so subtle. This may have been true for others of you. Now we can relax; the threat is gone.

Participant: Some say at the Seder, "Next year in Jerusalem." We can say, "Next year health, next year wholeness, next year the ending of our plagues." Blessings upon us all.

Participant: The wise people speak to us of the four kinds of children who view the Seder and wonder about it in different ways. There are a number of ways for us to think about what happened to us.

The intellectual survivor asks: What does it all means? We suggest that this person read the literature about sexual abuse, and study the statistics to come to one kind of understanding.

The survivor still in denial asks: What does this mean to you? She or he does not say "us", but "you". It is hard to know how to answer. The denial isolates her or him from the support of those with similar experience and from the truth of her or his own life.

The survivor still in confusion and pain asks: What is this? We can answer that we are remembering the experiences of long ago, to help us remember that we are free now, we are safe now, we can help ourselves now to move toward and appreciate our freedom.

To the survivor who is too overwhelmed to ask, we can offer our patience and the example of our continuing survival.

Participant: We will now tell the story of the flight of the Israelites from Egypt. This is a traditional part of every Seder.

Participant: The Israelites went to Egypt to live. They lived for many years in peace with the Egyptians. Eventually, the Pharaoh became afraid that the Jews would rise up against the Egyptians if an enemy attacked them. The Jews were enslaved. They were forced to build the pyramids. They were required to gather their own straw to make the bricks for building. Slavery was bitter to them.

The Pharaoh became more afraid of the Jews and ordered that all sons of Jewish mothers be killed. One son who was saved was Moses, who was raised and protected by Pharaoh's daughter. He knew of his heritage and, once, when he came upon a taskmaster beating one of the Jewish slaves, he stopped the taskmaster and killed him in his anger. He fled from Egypt. After a period of time, HaShem convinced Moses to return to Egypt to lead the Israelites away from their slavery.

Participant: Moses went to Pharaoh to persuade him to release the Israelites, but HaShem Hardened Pharaoh's heart Then HaShem sent the ten plagues. As each plague appeared, Pharaoh would consent to the Israelites' leaving, but after each plague disappeared, the Pharaoh would change his mind and not let them go. After the tenth plague, in which the first-born children of the Egyptians were killed, Pharaoh finally relented. The Israelites did not trust that the Pharaoh would keep to his decision. They felt that they must leave as quickly as possible. They didn't even take time to let their bread dough rise. They baked it in haste, and left.

Pharaoh had let them go, but as they feared, he reconsidered. The Israelites soon found themselves with the Egyptians, in chariots, chasing after them across the desert, and with the Red Sea in front of them. HaShem divided the Red Sea so that the Israelites could cross on dry land. The Egyptians followed the Israelites, but the chariots got stuck in the mud. The Red Sea closed over the Egyptians, and they drowned.

The Israelites wandered for forty years in the desert before they came to the Promised Land.

Participant: Some people might interpret the Hebrew word for Egypt to mean narrow place, or what we might call a tight spot.

Some of us were sent into families that were not the warm, protective places we needed. Some of us found ourselves in a tight spot with no way out but growing up. We were forced to try to grow without the proper nurturance.

Our deliverers or helpers out of the tight spots took various guises. Sometimes they were friends, sometimes therapists, sometimes support groups, self-help groups, or therapy groups.

We are still wandering, some of us, in the desert, at various distances from the Promised Land.

Participant: When the Jews first went to Egypt during the life of Joseph, they were welcomed and protected. The royal family in power changed, and the Jews became despised and feared. They were so prolific that the Pharaoh became afraid of them. He became afraid that if Egypt were attacked, the Jews would join with the enemy and rise up against the Egyptians.

The Pharaoh ordered that all newborn male Jewish children be killed. Some of the midwives would not do it and saved the children.

Participant: Later, when Moses returned to Egypt and HaShem brought down the last of the ten plagues on the Egyptians, it was the fist born sons who died. The children of the Jews were spared. Tradition has it that the Jews sacrificed a lamb and put its blood on their door posts. The angel of death "Passed Over" the homes of the Jews marked with the blood of the lamb and spared their children.

Participant: It has been said that HaShem hardened Pharaoh's heart.

Some of us have felt that HaShem must have hardened the hearts of our abusers. There could have been no other reason for their cruelty. Some of us begged, pleaded, fought: Nothing worked. For others of us, the cruelty was more of a blindness to the hurt o they were causing. For some, the cruelty looked like kindness. For some of us, only time could begin to set us free.

It has been written that the Seder is a moment to experience liberation in the present, not just remember it in the past.

This Seder is a ritual for us to focus on our liberation, to help us continue the struggle for our liberation.

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Ten Plagues

Participants: There were ten plagues visited on the Egyptians before the Israelites finally were freed. These plagues went against many things that were dear to the Egyptians.

There was the plague of blood, in which the sacred river Nile seemed to turn to blood.

There were the plagues of frogs, gnats, flies, and lice, which went against the Egyptians' strong habits and concern for cleanliness.

There was the plague of murrain, a cattle sickness, which attacked the cattle that were sacred to the Egyptians.

There was the plague of boils, which attacked the Egyptians' bodies.

There were the plagues of hail and locusts, which destroyed the Egyptians' food as it was growing in their fields.

There was the plague of death of the first born, which went against the Egyptians' desire for family to continue after them, and the healthy, loving parents' desire for the safety and well-being of their children.

Participant: Sometimes the consequences of the abuse in our childhood seem to be plagues visited upon us:

• Denial of the Truth
• Fear and Anxiety
• Physical Pain
• Alienation from Our Bodies
• Rage
• Disruption of Our Daily Lives
• Loss of Meaningful Relationships
• Painful Memories of the Past
• Emptiness in Our Hearts
• Loss of Self-Esteem
• Grief
• Self-Hatred
• Incapacity at Work or School
• Tears

(Fill the cups with grape juice)

Participant: We drink the third cup of grape juice. It represents hope for ourselves and for each other, that our lives can be good again, that all the work we are doing will lead us to the life we want.

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who created the fruit of the vine.

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Roasted Egg and Roasted Animal Bone

Participant: Long ago in Israel, there were sacrifices of animals and crops at the Temple of the Creator. The roasted egg and chicken bone (sometimes lamb bone) represent those sacrifices in ancient times.

We have had to make other kinds of sacrifices. We have had to sacrifice many things to heal ourselves. Some of us have had to sacrifice relationships that were important to us, jobs, education, money we had wanted to use for other purposes, time, attention, stability in our lives.

We hope that the sacrifices that we've made will be enough. We hope that we have offered up enough to the process of healing.

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Horseradish Root

Participant: The Horseradish Root or Bitter Herbs stand for the bitterness of slavery.

We have all known bitterness and anger at abuse that seemed inescapable. We felt as trapped in our situation and its aftermath as if we had been slaves to them. We eat the bitter herbs to remind ourselves, to acknowledge how bad we felt then. We feel and acknowledge in freedom what some of us couldn't express while the abuse was occurring. Now we have friends to me with us and support us while we acknowledge our bitterness.

(The leader breaks the upper matzo and the remainder of the middle matzo from the set of three under the napkin into smaller pieces, which are distributed to everyone.)

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Charoset

Participant: Charoset is a mixture of apples, dried fruit, nuts, cinnamon, and grape juice. The sweetness of the Charoset reminds us of the sweetness of freedom and friendship.

Traditionally, Charoset symbolized two very different experiences. First, it represents by its taste those things that are sweet in life. Second, by its appearance, it represents the clay out of which the Israelites made bricks for the Pharaoh. It represents difficult work without reward, without adequate support, as slaves under the control of uncaring taskmasters.

We, as survivors, were not asked to make bricks and gather our own straw to do so, nor were we asked to build pyramids. We were asked to grow from abused children into healthy adults, sometimes without proper support, without safety, without self-esteem.

We mix the bitter with the sweet, eat bitter herbs with the Charoset, to remind ourselves that we are free now, that even though bitterness remains, life can be sweet.

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who brings forth bread form the earth and has commanded us to eat the bitter herbs. (Pass bitter herbs and Charoset. Mix together on matzo and eat.)

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Cup of Elijah

We set a cup for Elijah to let him know that he is welcome at our table, to let him know that we are ready to accept peace into our lives.

(Participant goes to the door to open it for Elijah, waits a moment, then closes the door.)

(Fill cups with grape juice.)

Participant: This is the fourth cup of grape juice. It represents life. It represents the willingness to choose life, day after day, in the face of our past and our pain. It represents our hope that our lives can be good and whole. It represents the promise of healing, the promise of a whole and healthy life.

Leader: Blessed are you, Creator of the Universe, who created the fruit of the vine. (Drink grape juice.)

Leader: We have gathered together to celebrate the Passover. We have told the story of the liberation from Egypt and related it to some of our own feelings and experiences.

We have shared the symbols of the Passover and spoken of their meanings as related to some of our lives.

Now we can share a meal together in friendship.

(After the meal, we share the Affikomen which had been set aside at the beginning of the Seder.)

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Grace After The Meal

Participant: Let us give thanks for the food we have eaten.

(Others participants may offer prayers, if they wish.)

NOTE: Some of the ideas and prayers were from the book: The Shalom Seders: Three Haggadahs, compiled by the New Jewish Agenda.