Shidduch questions in question

By Michael J. Salamon

I was in a local restaurant the other day and I couldn’t help overhearing a few young women talking at a nearby table. (Admittedly, listening in was not exactly polite on my part, but it was very enlightening.) The women were talking about going before a shadchan, or in the case of one of them, before a group of shadchans. One woman described the experience as a “scary, like being called to the principal’s office.” The others agreed. Then they began to discuss the questions that they were asked. What they all found most curious was that each of them was presented with the same questions even though they had seen different shadchans. One young woman believed that it might be because there is “some halacha” that dictates asking these set questions. I found it even more interesting that everyone accepted this explanation.

The experience of hearing shidduch questions is not a new one for me. I have written about the many and varied questions that are asked of people who “are in the parsha,” i.e. getting ready to date for the purpose of marriage. Of course there are the foolish ones, “What color tablecloth does your family use on Shabbos?” “Where do you go to buy your clothes?” But what are the true core questions and from where are they derived?

After some research I found that there are essentially six or seven basic inquiries. I asked people more knowledgeable than myself what might be the source of those questions. No one could provide a direct Biblical or halachic foundation. Several individuals indicated that they were essentially a common sense way to inquire about the essence of an individual. I was not satisfied. Late in my high school career a very persuasive teacher suggested we read Oscar Wilde’s play “The Importance of Being Earnest.” Wilde was an Irish playwright, novelist and poet who, at one time, was considered to be the most successful artist of the Victorian era. The humor of the play stems from the overly polite and extremely sincere manners that members of Victorian society used to cover their manipulative and cruel behaviors. The title is a play on words because few in the play are earnest, honest or sincere. What is most notable though is what occurs in the first act when Lady Bracknell, the matriarch of the family, begins to interview a young man for her very eligible daughter. Lady Bracknell says to the young man who her daughter has taken a fancy to that he is “not on her list of eligible young men,” but she might change her mind if the fellow answers her questions satisfactorily. What are those questions? If you have ever met a shadchan you already know them — they are the core shidduch questions: age, intelligence/education, income, family, town, and political and religious beliefs. In the play, the candidate does not pass muster. In the third act Lady Bracknell proceeds to question a woman that her nephew wishes to marry. Again, she asks the same questions. This time, because the young woman is in possession of a very large trust fund, Lady Bracknell consents.

The play is currently on Broadway and if you have never seen it I suggest you do. It’s a fun play, but I also found it a bit disheartening since it reminded me of the shidduch scene. In all honesty, some of the questions deserve to be asked — it is important to know about someone’s education and his or her plan for life — but it shouldn’t be the Spanish Inquisition and the focus shouldn’t only be about how much money a person’s family has, what someone looks like and a person’s social status. Not long ago a young man showed me a t-shirt he loved to wear under his regular shirt. The words on the shirt were “Sorry girls, I only date models.” He assured me that many of his friends had the same shirts and were of the same philosophy. He was no model. It looks as if superficial externals still rule the day despite the fact that we believe that we are not members of the snobbery classes of Victorian society. Maybe we want to be. Maybe we even believe that these questions have a longer history and are therefore justified. Stephanie Coontz, the historian who has built a prominent career on studying marriage, indicates that almost all marital unions prior to the mid 1800s were arranged for the sole purpose of survival, not status building. Wilde can cause us to look at the Victorian era and laugh at the snobbery but it isn’t nearly as funny when it’s so close to the truth.

Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, NY and a Board member of Ptach and The Awareness Center. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by Rowman & Littlefield. His new book on Abuse will be available March, 2011.

No Romance in Frum Dating?

No Romance in Frum Dating?
By Michael J. Salamon, PhD

Much has been written about marriage and relationships. Some have suggested that, in the Orthodox world, we simply do not believe in romance, as real love supposedly happens only after marriage. While in many ways this is true, we are often left without defining just what that means. But the Talmud in Kiddushin (41a) states that prospective spouses must meet to determine their compatibility for a proper marriage to occur. And Rav J.B. Soloveitchik stated in his essays compiled in the text “Family Redeemed” that “one cannot form a friendship unless he finds in it the realization of a value long cherished by him.” Meeting, dating and getting to know one another, and especially becoming friends, is a time proven system for finding a spouse that Jewish tradition strongly adheres to. Unfortunately, there have been some changes to the system in recent years that have led to rising stress in a process that should contain both fun and excitement despite the seriousness of the goal.

Increasingly, in virtually all shades of orthodoxy, both men and women are segregated from one another even when it is unwarranted. This separation has led to a fear of socializing, a form of stage fright or anticipatory anxiety that causes young daters to not know how to act in a socially acceptable fashion with one another. I hear them talking about the “magic” of the opposite sex as if it were a truism, a fact that in order to understand how to even talk with one another they must unravel a secret magical code. While there should be magic, it is not of this type.

Even after marriage there is often a dearth of appropriate communication between the spouses. At a restaurant recently, while sitting next to a young married couple, despite trying very hard not to listen, I was amazed at how the couple was speaking about different topics and at cross-purposes to one another. True, this may be just one anecdote; however, more and more young marrieds are divorcing with the primary complaint that they simply did not know each other at the time of marriage and do not understand one another once married. There is, in fact, a growing body of evidence in the professional literature that this has become an expanding problem in Orthodox marriages even to the point of difficulty in developing a sense of closeness and familiarity within a marriage.

When we add to this mix the volatility that comes from being overindulged and overprotected well into the late teens and early twenties, we are left with young men and women who feel no need to even try to get to know anyone else. Many of our young men and women have placed themselves on a pedestal and want to marry someone who can keep them there, even in financially troubling times. The goal then is not a warm, affectionate, supportive relationship but a selfish, egocentric one. Who needs a romantic relationship with a spouse or even friendship with a spouse, as long as you get what you want?

There actually is somewhat of a scientific formula for the magic that causes the spark of romance. It is not a hard and fast rule like those often found in physics, but it does involve biology, chemistry and psychology. The actual cause of the magic in a relationship is a product of hormones, neurotransmitters or brain chemicals and developmental stages. These chemicals set the stage for real attraction and are activated by a process wherein the couple perceives a degree of familiarity between one another. The only way this similarity can be stimulated is by spending time with members of the opposite sex at the correct stage of development.

Young men and women go through a biological and psychological maturational change that is driven by hormones in their early to mid twenties. For some it begins a bit before, and for others a bit later. This process causes, among other changes, the desire to affiliate with a member of the opposite sex and develop an intimate relationship. To get to that stage, the psychological needs of earlier stages must be met. These include developing a sense of one’s own identity and being able to appreciate and manage social interactions. Once these challenges are accomplished, via chemicals in the brain called neurotransmitters, which are primed to go off when the right person comes along, the sequence shifts to the next stage. Here too, this process is neither an immediate, perfectly successive nor a fail-proof one.

Several important psychological triggers have to occur. These include developing a degree of comfort in communicating with the other person, being physically attracted and sensing a degree of personality similarity. When these changes take place the couple begins to develop a sense of fun and passion about the relationship. This excitement does not always happen immediately and can take several dates. When it does kick in, and both report it, this is a clear indication that the relationship is set to go to the next level.

It may take as long as several months for the next level to develop but the next level is the most critical stage. The intensity of the first level of passion begins to dissipate and two different neurotransmitters start their work. These chemicals set the stage for a more balanced cooperative and affiliative feeling to develop. It is at this stage that the warmth and nurturing feelings of love, so necessary for a marriage to succeed, begin to occur. Perhaps this is the feeling that some have referred to as existing only after being married for a while. But, as we have seen, it may be critical to have this friendship, warmth and closeness before marriage occurs.

We all make decisions even though we are not always aware of the underlying cognitive processes involved. We do have an awareness of our reactions and it is important to allow ourselves to experience them and understand them. We also cannot hasten or bypass a natural process. The natural process of romance develops in stages beginning with learning how to socialize and proceeding from there. Let us allow young adults to find one another so they might develop the friendship so necessary to a successful marriage.

Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, NY and a Board member of The Awareness Center. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by Rowman & Littlefield. His new book on Abuse will be available March, 2011.

Dangerous Message from Aish HaTorah: "Date From Hell"

Dangerous Message from Aish HaTorah: "Date From Hell"

Does Aish Ha Torah utilize cult like practices? 

© (2007) Vicki Polin, MA, NCC, LCPC, ATR-BC

WARNING: Manipulative practices are used in this video: Date From Hell

Lori and Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik - Accused of using cult like practices

A few weeks ago a rabbi sent the following link out to his mailing list promoting an online video, "Date From Hell", which is produced by Aish HaTorah. I have to admit that I was appalled at the message that was being promoted by Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik (a rebbetzin is a title given to wives of rabbis).

The short film revolved around the fact that everyone has an opinion and how important it is to keep your opinion to yourself or that you need to be extremely careful before offering it.

Palatnik went on to say that: "You need to know the difference between fact and opinion". She goes on telling the story about a young male Baal Teshuva, who was learning with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik.

As time progressed Rabbi Palatnik felt the man had "put his playboy lifestyle behind him." He wanted to know if Lori's knew any "girls" that she could fix him up with. Rabbi Palatnik said "the man wanted to get married."

Lori came up with a "great girl." After the date the woman called Lori and said "that was the date from hell." Later, Rabbi Palatnik asks Lori to fix the man up with another "girl." Once again after the second date the woman calls Lori saying "that was the date from hell." The same exact words as the first woman. Rabbi Palatnik once again requested that his wife fix the man up with a third woman -- this time Lori refused.

What is missing from the film is the reason why both women stated that "this was the date from hell." Was it because the man dressed funny or had a strange odor? Did the two women dating they think he was boring, rude, impolite, not gentlemanly enough, self-centered? Or could it be he was sexually inappropriate or had to do with some other issue regarding their safety? Without knowing this key information we cannot determine if dating this man was dangerous.

"Six months later the man got engaged to another great girl," stated Rebbetzin Palatnik. The woman was someone known to Lori. She continued by saying, "if this new woman was very lucky she never called her to find out about the man, because if she did -- she would have warned her to stay away."

Lori continued, "To this day the couple is happily married." She saw this as a life lesson and said "You can destroy things before they are started by giving your opinion...One woman's date from hell is somebody else's prince charming...You can stop things before they start by giving your opinion. You can destroy things once they are started by giving your opinion. Think before you speak. Keep your opinions to yourself"

There is some vital information missing from the Lori Palatnik film. She never let her viewers know why the two women called their experience with the man "the date from hell."

When I sent the video “Date From Hell” out to a few observant mental health professionals and survivors they made the following comments:

• It appears that the fear is really about 'lashon hara.'

• When two people had a terrible experience on a date with the same person the shadchan should be responsible enough to find out WHAT WAS WRONG before deciding to set up the man or woman again. The reality is that sometimes there is a serious problem. The person could be abusive towards women, for example. The clip gives the message that marriage is the priority above all else....Who cares what the issues are as long as they get married.

• Getting people married seems to be the ONLY goal in life....what happens after... Who cares?

• This is THE VIDEO FROM HELL. Another move toward the Taliban.

There are two very important books that everyone should read concerning dating in the orthodox world. They are “The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures.” Urim Publishshing Co., and also another one that will come out next year: “Every Pot Has A Cover: A Proven Method for Finding and Enhancing Relationships. University Press of America.