The Science of Happiness - An Experiment in Gratitude

July 11, 2013

Personal Power

PTSD and Chinese Handcuffs

About Healing from childhood sexual abuse

About Healing from childhood sexual abuse

© (2012) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, NCC

Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, NCC

Years ago a therapist told me I would never amount to anything, and that I should lock myself up in a long term facility because that's where I'd spend the rest of my life. I was 19 at the time and was dealing with pretty severe abuse issues. At the time he had never treated anyone with MPD/DID before. Needless to say I found a different therapist and started to heal (FYI: I haven't dissociated in years).  So remember with the right help, you too can heal).

It wasn't until 12 years after I graduated from high school that I finally received my undergraduate degree (in Women's Studies). By the time I was 32 I had my masters degree. Two years later I became a licensed mental health professional. I'll admit that after earning each degree I sent that lunatic therapist an invitation to my graduations.

The truth is that one therapist was one of the people in my life who motivated me to do the work I do. All I can say is G-d forbid anyone else have a therapist say such crap to another survivor. I was so fortunate that I didn't listen to him and I trusted my gut. My hope is that my words will motivate others to do the same. If you believe in yourself anything is possible.

Being an incest survivor meant basically had NO family to go to for help. The truth is they basically wished me dead. There was even a short time in my life I was homeless.  I think the hardest part of my healing process was that I was forced to learn how to live life without them. It was so painfully difficult at first.

As the years went by I was fortunate to have people in my life who mentored me.  I will always be so grateful to them.  The truth is that I  don't know how to thank them enough for their love, support and kindness. Without them I doubt I'd still be alive, let alone be able  to do the work I have been doing for nearly 30 years. 

I'm sharing these thoughts and experiences with you, because I want every survivor out there to know, that you too can heal. It may take a lot longer then you want, but it can and will happen.  You just need to find the right licensed mental health professional or a legitimate rape crisis center that is affiliated with your State's coalition to help guide you on your own personal journey along with other support people in your life.  It may take time -- but with patience and determination, I know it will happen for you too.  

L'Shana Tova!

Non-Conformity and Healing From Childhood Trauma

"I'm Rubber You're Glue. . ." (Self Protection from Projection)

"I'm Rubber You're Glue. . ." (Self Protection from Projection)

© (1996) Vicki Polin, MA, ATR-BC, LCPC, NCC 

It's kind of funny how things we say to protect ourselves as children can have great meaning as adults. Do you remember: "I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."? We can learn a lot from this poem. Many times, people we love and care about say things that are hurtful. Often what is said is a projection of their own feelings on to us; a kind of throwing out upon another that ideas that belong to them. The expression projection implies that what is cast upon another is considered undesirable to the one who projects. The one who blames another for his/her own mistakes or seeks a scapegoat is using projection as a coping mechanism.

Projection is one of the first defenses or protective mechanisms learned as a child. A child needs to feel a sense of importance. When this is threatened there becomes a need to feel a sense of some sort of magical power over another person, to feel safe, guiltless, important. When there is a conflict that is intolerable internally, a child will externalize the feelings on to someone or something. How many times have you heard stories bout a young child breaking something and saying "I didn't do it, Marc did it" or It just fell by itself". The child is unable to own his/her own feelings of guilt or shame. The same thing happens to us as adults.

But what do you do when you are the one who is being projected upon? What do you do with the feelings and protect yourself from feeling hurt? How do you disengage from the negative energy that is flowing? How do you NOT do unto others as they do unto you? The answers can be both simple and complex. The first step is being able to recognized a projection. The second step is learning not to internalize the feelings, in other words "Don't take it personally". Simple to say, yet extremely difficult to do. That's where remembering "I am rubber, you are glue..." comes in handy.

Most people want to have a good relationship with their family, friends, co-workers, yet experience difficulties because, as one client said "No one knows better than my parents and other family members how to push my buttons." "I get crazy and do and/or say things I wish I wouldn't." Sometimes I do things that are self-destructive just to make the feelings go away." Some common self-abusive behaviors include self-mutilation, suicide attempts, sexual acting out, alcohol/chemical abuse, binge eating, starving, etc. These symptoms can be a result of something someone said, or caused by intense feelings that one just doesn't know what to do with. Sometimes it feels like people I care about are trying to get me upset." "It feels like they want me to hurt myself". These are also projections.

Remember "I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you" may help separate your feelings from someone else's projection. When you are feeling under attack and the child within is panicking, it may be helpful to remember this poem. Say it loudly to yourself when you feel that someone is saying negative things to you that do not seem to fit. It may help to stay separate from the intense feelings someone is trying to give to you. It can be a way to protect yourself instead of owning their feelings. Most important is that it may also help you with some of the intense feelings that may trigger some of your own negative reactions.

Articles written by The Awareness Center

Articles written by The Awareness Center

This page is under construction 

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Disclaimer:  Inclusion in this website does not constitute a recommendation or endorsement. Individuals must decide for themselves if the resources meet their own personal needs. 
 

Table of Contents:

1. The Awareness Center Information
   
   1. The Awareness Center's Brochure - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
   2. Membership - Join The Awareness Center  
   3. The Awareness Center's Certification Program for Jewish Leaders - by The Awareness Center, Inc
   4. The Awareness Center's Mission Statement - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
   5. Make A Difference! - by The Awareness Center, Inc.

      
      

2. Community Issues
   
   1. Advocating For Rape Victims - by Vicki Polin
   2. Cost of Abuse - WebAdvocate
   3. Do Girls Matter? Sexism and Sexual Abuse - by Vicki Polin
   4. How It's Been Done - Emergency Wake Up Call to Our Community Leaders - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
   5. "I Don't Believe You" - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
   6. It can even happen to the daughters of Kings - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
   7. It's about taking a stand - By Vicki Polin
   8. FRUSTRATION: Why doesn't the frum world focus on Incest - by Vicki Polin
   9. Just Doing The Right Thing - by Michael J. Salamon
   10. Look What They've Done To Our People Mamma - by Vicki Polin 
   11. Mikvah - Suggested Protocols to Protect Minors - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
   12. Sexual Abuse:  Getting Your Community to Talk - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
   13. Spirituality, Sexuality, and How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God - by Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda
   14. There's No More Room Under The Rug - by Michael J. Salamon
   15. Throw Away Children of God? - by Vicki Polin
   16. TSA Workers could be charged with sexual assault? - by Vicki Polin 
   17. We'll Find A Way - by Vicki Polin 

       
       

       
       

3. Clergy Abuse
   
   • Clergy as Mandated Reporters - by Vicki Polin
   • Traditions That Must Be Broken - by Vicki Polin 
   • Shining a light on clergy sexual abuse against adult women - by Vicki Polin
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4. Clinical
   
   • Help I'm Burnt Out! Vicarious Victimization, Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Compassion Fatigue - by Vicki Polin
   • How to Make a Hot-line Report - by Vicki Polin
     

     
     

5. Cults and Missionaries
   
   • Are some Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Kiruv Organizations Feeder Groups For Cults?
   • Alleged Cult Leader - Founder of Jews for Jesus - by Vicki Polin
   • Cults, Missionaries, Sexual Victimization and the Jewish Community
   • Going "Off The Derech" Hurts! - By Vicki Polin
   • Questions Regarding G-d, Mind Control and "Truth" - by Vicki Polin
   • Soul Searching:  Sexual Abuse, Cults and Missionaries - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
     

     
     

6. General
   
   • Anti-Semitism, Sexual Abuse, and The Jewish Community - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
   • Bullying, Intimidation, Extortion Attempts: Advocating for Survivors of Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin
   • Confronting Abuse In The Orthodox Community - by Rabbi Yosef Blau
   • Finding A Rabbi: Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin and Michael Salamon
   • Shoshie s Story (PTSD) - by Vicki Polin
   • Growing up Paddled, Belted, Switched or Swatted - Spanking is Never OK! - by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, Michael J. Salamon, PhD, FICP; and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH
    
7.  Family Members of Sex Offenders
   • When A Family Member Molests: Reality, Conflict, and The Need For Support - by Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda  
    
8.  Holidays
   
   • Child Abuse and Father's Day - by Vicki Polin
   • Emotionally can I do Pesach this year? - by Vicki Polin
   • Forgiveness and the High Holidays - by Vicki Polin 
   • High Holidays and Survivors of Child Abuse - by Vicki Polin
   • Incest, Child Abuse and Mother's Day - by Vicki Polin
   • Jews and Christmas Trees - by Vicki Polin
   • Mother's Day - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda
   • Mother’s Day Thoughts - by Moreyn Kamenir
   • Surviving Hanukkah: Jewish Survivors of Childhood Abuse - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
   • Surviving The High Holidays - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
   • Surviving Passover: Jewish Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Incest - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda 
   • Thanksgiving and Survivors of Incest and Child Sexual Abuse of Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow - by Vicki Polin.

     
     

9. Legal
   
   • Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Testifying at Legislative Hearings - by Bob Russell - Coordinator, SNAP of Maryland and Vicki Polin - Executive Director, The Awareness Center, Inc.
   • Mandated Reporting - by Rabbi Yosef Blau
   • When You're An Incest Survivor and the Windows Legislation - by Vicki Polin

     
     

10. Offenders
    
    • Child Molesters: Myths - Most Common Beliefs By Public
    • Listing Alleged and Convicted Sex Offenders - by Vicki Polin
    • The Glamorization of Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach - by Vicki Polin
    • Traditions That Must Be Broken - by Vicki Polin
    • When Melodies, Torah Scholars, and Abuse Collide - by Vicki Polin and Na'ama Yehuda

      
      

11. Parenting Issues
    
    • Age Appropriate Stages of Sex Play
    • Common Behavioral Problems - Sexually Abused Children - by Vicki Polin  
    • Glossary of Initials and Jargon - by Vicki Polin
    • Guidelines For Disciplining Children Who Have Been Abuse - Edited by Vicki Polin
    • Lisa's Story: How do we help sexual abuse victims survive? - by Vicki Polin
      
      

12. Rabbis
    
    • Background Information and The History of Rabbinical Ordinations
    • Finding A Rabbi: Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin and Michael Salamon
    • How to Make a Hot-line Report
    • Rabbis, Confidentiality and Other Ethical Issues - by Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon
    • Rabbis Investigating Sexual Offenses - by Vicki Polin
      

13. Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse
    
    • Basic Principals of Assertive Philosophy - by The Awareness Center, Inc.
    • Being an educated consumer: Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse / Assault - by Vicki Polin
    • Common Coping Mechanisms Used by Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - by Vicki Polin and Gail Roy  
    • Common Symptoms of Survivors of Childhood Abuse - by Vicki Polin and Gail Roy
    • Do Girls Matter? Sexism and Sexual Abuse - by Vicki Polin 
    • Finding A Rabbi: Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin and Michael Salamon
    • Going "Off The Derech" Hurts! - By Vicki Polin
    • How Do You Spell Relief? - by Vicki Polin
    • Let 5773 be the year for healing of survivors - by Vicki Polin 
    • Lisa's Story: How do we help sexual abuse victims survive? - by Vicki Polin 
    • Male Survivors of Sexual Violence
    • Nobody's Child: Surviving Without A Family - by Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda
    • Questions to Ask Yourself Before Disclosing, Confronting or Going Public About Surviving Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin
    • Rape Trauma Syndrome: Reading Blogs and Newspaper Articles about Your Case - by Vicki Polin 
    • Self Protection From Projection: I'm Rubber, You're Glue - by Vicki Polin
    • Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries - Edited by Vicki Polin
    • Signs of an unhealthy or abusive therapist - or therapy that isn't helpful - by Marybeth Flanigan 
    • Similarities: Women's Movement ad Sexual Violence in Jewish Communities - by Vicki Polin
    • Spirituality and healing from incest - by Avigail Goldstein
    • Tamar's Story - The Awareness Center
    • Tatoo Me: Could be a cry for help? - by Vicki Polin and Michael J. Salamon
    • The Story of a Rape Victim Advocate - by Vicki Polin
    • The Right to Heal From Child Sexual Abuse - by Vicki Polin
    • When You're An Incest Survivor - by Vicki Polin

      
      

14. Survivors of Sexual Assault
    
    • Finding A Rabbi: Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin and Michael Salamon
    • Incest, Pregnancy, Abortion and Halacha (Jewish law) - by Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda  
    • Lost in the Shuffle: Survivors of Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin
    • Rape Trauma Syndrome: Reading Blogs and Newspaper Articles about Your Case - by Vicki Polin
    • Remembering To Exhale - by Vicki Polin  
    • Questions to Ask Yourself Before Disclosing, Confronting or Going Public About Surviving Sexual Violence - by Vicki Polin
    • Shining a light on clergy sexual abuse against adult women - by Vicki Polin
    • Similarities: Women's Movement ad Sexual Violence in Jewish Communities - by Vicki Polin
    • The Story of a Rape Victim Advocate - by Vicki Polin

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"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."  --Margaret Mead

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FAIR USE NOTICE

Some of the information on The Awareness Center's web pages may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, etc. 

 

We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. 

 

For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml . If you wish to use copyrighted material from this update for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. 

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