Saturday, March 05, 2011

Case of Joseph Passof

Case of Joseph Passof

(AKA: Uncle Joe)


Head Camp Counselor - Flatbush Park Jewish Center Day Camp, Brooklyn, NY
Retired Teacher - PS 99 Isaac Asimov School for Science and Literature, New York, NY



Convicted sex offender, plead guilty to two counts of sexual abuse in the first degree.  He receieved 10 years probation with a treatment program. 
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Table of Contents:

2011

  1. Brooklyn camp counselor charged in kid-sex case (03/05/2011)

2012
  1. Brooklyn DA accused of failing to tackle Orthodox Jews' cover-up of sex abuse (03/29/2012)

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Brooklyn camp counselor charged in kid-sex case
By Jamie Schram
New York Post - March 5, 2011


This head counselor — perched comfortably on a child’s playset in a photo posted on a Brooklyn day camp’s Web site — was named by prosecutors yesterday as a sexual deviant.
Joseph Passof, a retired New York City schoolteacher known by the nickname “Uncle Joe,” is accused of molesting a 5-year-old boy in a bathroom last summer, authorities said.
The counselor was slapped with a slew of sex-abuse charges for the heinous July assault, in which he allegedly sneaked up behind his young victim and attacked him in front of a 4-year-old camper.
“That’s Uncle Joe, bad person,” the young witness told investigators when he was shown a photograph of Passof, police sources said.
The 65-year-old, who spent 36 years on staff at the Flatbush Park Jewish Center Day Camp, was arrested Wednesday and pleaded not guilty yesterday.
A camp photo (pictured) shows the tubby teacher surrounded by child playthings and a pile of kids’ clothes. Camp director Kevin Adelson didn’t return calls and e-mails for comment.
Passof’s defense lawyer, Jay Cohen, said Passof is impotent because of high blood pressure and diabetes.
Cohen said the accusation was fabricated by the mother of the witness, who had been chastised by Passof and another counselor.
Cohen said Passof had actually walked in on the two boys in the bathroom “experimenting” with their pants down.
Passof, who plans to testify before a grand jury, says he only yelled at them to pull their pants up and denied any abuse, according to Cohen.
Passof appears prominently on the Web site of Flatbush Park Jewish Center Day Camp, which costs $3,000 for eight weeks and accepts kids from ages 4 to 14.
There are pictures of a portly-looking Passof sitting on a child’s jungle gym and another section touts his skills in preparing fish sticks for the campers.
He was ordered held on $50,000 bail or bond.
Passof taught at city schools, including PS 99 Isaac Asimov School for Science and Literature in Midwood, Brooklyn, from 1984 until his retirement in 2003.
The Department of Education said he had no disciplinary history.
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Brooklyn DA accused of failing to tackle Orthodox Jews' cover-up of sex abuse 
Critics say Charles Hynes has failed to wrest control from rabbis who refuse to co-operate with secular authorities
By Zoe Blackler
Guardian - March 29, 2012


A systemic cover-up of child sexual abuse in Brooklyn's ultra-Orthodox Jewish enclaves continues to obstruct justice for young victims, despite claims by religious leaders and the Brooklyn district attorney that the problem is in hand.
A long-standing culture of non-cooperation with secular justice by Brooklyn's ultra-Orthodox Jews keeps many child sex offenders out of the courts and at large in their communities.
Victim advocates say Brooklyn DA Charles Hynes has failed to wrest control from rabbinic leaders, who continue to hamper efforts to uncover abuse. Hynes' recent claim to have radically increased prosecution rates for these crimes has drawn scorn from critics.
Brooklyn's Jewish communities, home to the largest number of ultra-Orthodox Jews outside Israel, are insular and close-knit. They maintain their own shadow justice system based on religious halachic law, enforced by religious courts known as the beit din. In recent years, they have also established their own community police force, the Shomrim.
Like the Catholic bishops before them, the ultra-Orthodox rabbis who lead these communities are charged with the concealment of crimes stretching back decades, and of fostering a culture where witnesses are silenced through intimidation.
"The rabbis are still, to an unfortunate degree, protecting the system," said victims' advocate Rabbi Yosef Blau, a more moderate Orthodox rabbi than his Brooklyn counterparts and spiritual advisor at Yeshiva University. Blau said the community feels it has to protect its image. "The battle is over the cover-up. That's what we're fighting now."
Until the late 2000s, only a handful of ultra-Orthodox child sex crimes made their way into the criminal courts. But in April 2009 – as pressure from victims' advocates, whistle-blower blogs and parts of the secular Jewish press intensified – District Attorney Hynes launched Kol Tzedek, a community outreach effort to encourage community leaders to report child sexual abuse. The DA's Orthodox community liaison Henna White plays a key role in Kol Tzedek, which features a reporting hotline staffed by a culturally sensitive social worker.
Hynes' office says that between April 2009 and November 2011, there were 85 arrests with 47 of those cases pending. Of the 38 closed cases, it said, six had gone to trial, 23 had ended in plea deals and nine with acquittals or dismissals. These figures contrast sharply with the negligible prosecutions in the years between Hynes taking office in 1990 and the start of Kol Tzedek.
But they also represent a mere fraction of the incidents of abuse that advocates say they hear about. Because of scant reporting, there are no statistics for child sexual abuse in these communities. Most, however, believe the numbers are at least consistent with broader society if not higher.
Even the most outspoken advocates acknowledge some positive change – primarily a growing community acceptance of the problem and a slight increase in reports to the authorities. Nonetheless, they accuse Hynes and the religious leadership of playing a PR game.
Ben Hirsch of victims advocate group Survivors for Justice said, "The DA has been very reluctant to prosecute these cases. Recently he's become a little more aggressive in response to pressure from advocates and critical stories in the press. But he's still not behaving in a way that's consistent with the way he treats non-Orthodox cases."
Hirsch points to the DA's blanket refusal to release information about recent arrests and convictions, his controversial plea deals and the number of cases that by the DA's own admission have collapsed due to witness intimidation.
The DA's spokesperson, Jerry Schmetterer, said it was policy not to discuss child sex crimes with the media in order to protect the victims' anonymity.
But Dan Schorr, a former sex crimes prosecutor at Queens County and Westchester County, said the policy was surprising. In Schorr's experience, publicising the names of suspected child molesters, except in cases where that might identify the victim, is one of the best ways to strengthen a prosecution "and prevent the abuse of other children". All other New York City DAs decide whether to publicise details of arrests and convictions for child sex crimes on a case by case basis. (The identity of the victim, however, will always be protected.)
The Brooklyn DA's office has also broken its own stated rule, for certain cases, in recent years.
The most infamous plea deal, often cited by advocates, was in the case of Rabbi Yehuda Kolko. In 2007, Kolko, a teacher and summer camp counsellor, was indicted for molesting two boys aged eight and nine. But under a plea deal, Kolko was only convicted on child endangerment charges, given a three year probationary sentence with no requirement to join the sex offender registry.
Kolko's prosecution followed an earlier civil suit against the school by two adult men who claimed they were also abused as children – one in the late 1960s, the other in the mid 1980s. The suit, which was dismissed on statute of limitations grounds, alleged Kolko's principal knew he was a serial molester, but suppressed the allegations.
Stefan Colmer's conviction is also controversial. Colmer was indicted on 37 charges after abusing two teenage boys, but in June 2009 he pled guilty to just eight counts of criminal sexual act in the second degree and was sentenced to two-and-a-third to seven years jail time. Colmer was released last month.
To date, and to the best of our knowledge, only eight Orthodox Jews prosecuted in Brooklyn have been required to join the sex offender registry, established in 1996. Of those eight, only four received custodial sentences, four were given probation.
The Guardian knows of two cases which have closed since the beginning of the year. Joseph Passof had been facing 12 charges, including six felonies. The most serious charge was for a criminal sexual act in the first degree – oral or anal sexual conduct with a child under 11 – a class B felony that carries a sentence of five to 25 years imprisonment.
But under a plea deal he was allowed to plead guilty to two counts of sexual abuse in the first degree - a less serious charge for which he would receive 10 years probation with a treatment programme. While this is a standard sentence for the charges Passof pleaded guilty to, former prosecutor Dan Schorr said he would consider the disparity between the original charges and the eventual sentence a disappointing outcome. Passof's sentencing hearing has been adjourned until May.
The case against David Greenfeld for child molestation collapsed in January after the DA failed to bring a case in the time allowed. The DA's spokesperson said this was because the victim's family was not co-operative.
Child sexual crimes are notoriously hard to prosecute. An apparently strong case at arrest stage can become considerably weaker as the prosecution progresses. DNA evidence may not support the allegations, for example. In ultra-Orthodox abuse cases, witnesses also frequently pull out.
DA spokesperson Jerry Schmetterer admitted cases collapse because victims are pressured by their communities. "If [victims and their families] come to us with an allegation or any concern that they are being intimidated we will take action to help them," he said.
But Mark Meyer Appel of victim support group Voice of Justice said the DA is not doing enough. "They should be going out to the community to find out why these victims are dropping out."
In the face of powerful community non-cooperation, Hynes faces a genuine obstacle. Rabbi Mark Dratch, a modern-Orthodox rabbi who founded JSafe to tackle abuse in the Jewish community, said: "Unless you get the trust of the community, you're not going to get the reporting. If, however, you're less than responsible about how you get the reports, you're not really solving the problem."
Dratch believes Hynes is being influenced by religious leaders: "The DA's position is an elected position, and the orthodox have a large voting bloc and I'm sure Mr Hynes will deny it but I think that is the nature of the situation. I know there is a lot of pressure on his office from the organised rabbinic community in Brooklyn either not to deal with the cases or to minimise them."
Rabbi Blau said the cases coming to court reflect the nature of Hynes's arrangement with community leaders. "Yes, Hynes has got a number of cases into the courts, but they're all the nobodies. They won't get somebody prominent because then the community won't co-operate. But if it's some weird guy, OK, let the police handle it."
Blau's analysis is supported by Joel Engelman, an abuse survivor and spokesperson for the victims, who follows these cases closely. Engelman said that of the handful of defendants currently in the system, most are on the fringes of Brooklyn's ultra-Orthodox communities, rather than their leaders and power brokers.


Both the DA's office and rabbinical leaders deny there is a deal. Both insist they are doing all in their power to solve the problem.

But in recent months, the leaders of Agudath Israel of America, an umbrella body for Brooklyn's ultra-Orthodox Jews, has clarified its position on reporting abuse to the police. To avoid the ancient prohibition against mesirah – the act of handing over a fellow Jew to secular authorities – Agudath directs its members to consult with a rabbi first, before calling children's services.
The rabbi must establish whether the suspicions are weighty enough to justify a report. "A person can be destroyed if allegations which are baseless are raised against him," said Agudath's executive vice-president, Rabbi David Zwiebel.
While some observers are encouraged that Agudath is now at least recognising secular justice, others are horrified. "This is the latest outrage from Agudath Israel," said Eliot Pasik, a lawyer who has represented Orthodox abuse victims, including those of Yehuda Kolko. "In the name of maintaining what they think is the best image possible, they've become ideological fanatics."
There are some signs of a growing schism within the rabbinic leadership – including inside Agudath – even if most critics are still afraid to speak up. In a significant move last summer, the Crown Heights Beit Din declared it will no longer handle child sex abuse cases, which it said must be taken to the secular authorities.
But progress, say advocates, is far slower than the official picture suggests.
Last November, the Jewish radio show Talkline held a heated debate on child sexual abuse. Zvi Gluck, a community mediator who helps other ultra-Orthodox Jews in trouble with the law, rang in to say the DA's arrest figure was "not a real number". Gluck said he knew most of those arrests, "and most of those, because of pressure within the community, were dropped and resulted in nothing happening".
Gluck added he knew of at least three abused children who had committed suicide in recent months. "As Frum Yidden [observant Jews] we have an obligation to protect our community and our children. We are making progress but they are small steps and we are nowhere near where we need to be."
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Friday, March 04, 2011

Gloria Steinham to Moderate Sexual Violence During the Holocaust Panel at BK Museum

Gloria Steinem
For centuries, brutality against females in war and genocide has been considered an almost inevitable by-product of conflict. The Holocaust was no exception. Sexual abuse of Jewish women was not part of German genocidal policy, but nevertheless occurred. A new book, Sexual Violence Against Jewish Women during the Holocaust, documents the sexual violence against Jewish and other women that has been relegated to the fringes of Holocaust history or even denied.

Now rape is an instrument of mass atrocities worldwide, from Bosnia to Rwanda, the Congo, and Sudan. On the occasion of the release of this revelatory book, this panel will speak about the connections and differences, asking: Can this new understanding of sexual violence during the Holocaust decrease and prevent sexual violence during other genocides?





Presented by the Elizabeth A. Sackler Center for Feminist Art

Sunday, March 20, 2 to 4 p.m., at the Brooklyn Museum



Panelists:

Gloria Steinem, Moderator - Feminist activist and co-founder of the Women's Media Center

Sonja M. Hedgepeth, co-editor - Professor of Foreign Languages and Literature, Middle Tennessee State University


Rochelle G. Saidel, co-editor - Founder and director, Remember the Women Institute


Nava Semel - Novelist, Activist, and Child of Holocaust Survivors


Mama Jeanne Kasongo L. Ngondo - President and Founder of Shalupe Foundation



For more information, please see:




Thursday, March 03, 2011

Do you believed you were abused at Ohel or feel they mishandled your case?

Bottom row: Asher White, Henna White, David Mandel,
Back row: David Pelcovitz, PhD, Charles Hynes 

The Awareness Center is looking for survivors of abuse who feel they were abused and or neglected by staff members or other clients of Ohel Children's Home and Family Services system.

Over the years there have been many allegations of both staff members and clients physically and sexually abusing others.  There have been a few cases that were reported to the child abuse hotline or the police, including a few cases that were prosecuted.

The problem is that there are so many rumors floating around that the majority of these types of cases have never been reported to the secular authorities.  There have also been allegations that the Ohel administration influenced law enforcement officials to sweep crimes under the rug, especially when the offenders have made large donations to various key individuals, organizations and political party; or the alleged offender has political clout or their family members have influence in the orthodox community.

 If you have a story to share please contact The Awareness Center.  We need not only your story, but also documented information regarding your case.

Background Information:

Mark This Date: March 8 – Peaceful Rally for Justice in Crown Heights 








Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Mark This Date: March 8 – Peaceful Rally for Justice in Crown Heights


Crime Victims in Brooklyn’s Jewish Community Need Your Support!
Please  join us in a peaceful rally for justice in Crown Heights
When: Tuesday, March 8, 2011  -  8:00 PM – Midnight 
Where: Bais Rivka, 310 Crown Street, Brooklyn, NY 
Sponsor: Coalition Against Legal Abuse  (dedicated to offer to support crime victims).
For more information: Call 1-800-958-2904 or send an e-mail to: coalitioncalany@gmail.com
An educational seminar on sexual abuse will be taking place March 8th, 2011, at 8:00 PM, at Bais Rivka.  Unfortunately, there have been serious accusations made against both Henna White and those associated with Ohel Family Services, including Dr. David Pelcovitz — regarding mishandling of cases which include child abuse (emotional, physical and sexual) and domestic violence.
Mrs. Bronya Shaffer who is internationally known for her involvement with cases of child abuse in the Chabad community will be emceeing the evening.  Other presenters for the evening include Dr. David Pelcovitz, Rabbi Shloime Sternberg, Professor Gavriel Fagin and Henna White, who is employed as the liaison between the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office and the Jewish community.
It is the belief of several advocacy organizations that community members should be warned that Henna White, Dr. David Pelcovitz and anyone associated with Ohel should not be trusted, and should not be considered experts in the field of abuse and neglect.  Speaking at events like this give possible victims of crimes the impression that these individuals are trustworthy and have their best interest in mind.
Please show your support by letting us know that you plan on coming to this rally.  You can do this by either calling:   1-800-958-2904 Or by sending an e-mail to:  coalitioncalany@gmail.com
Background information:

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Call for OHEL Leadership Change - Ohel Jewish Children's Home and Family Services

The Awareness Center supports The Voice of Justice's CALL FOR ACTION regarding Ohel's Leadership
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For more information contact: The Voice of Justice





The recent revelations about OHEL Jewish Children’s Home and Family Services in Brooklyn written by Hella Winston of the Jewish Week on February 24, 2011 were, without question, profoundly disturbing, but sadly, not entirely unexpected.
For many years OHEL has been awash with rumors and allegations regarding their staff not reporting incidences of sexual abuse to proper authorities as required by law. In addition, many supervisors at OHEL have reportedly instructed staff not to report the allegations of sex abuse.  These allegations of OHEL’s non-compliance with Federal and state reporting guidelines put the entire organization in jeopardy of losing its government funding and non-profit status.  It also puts senior staff and Board of Directors in jeopardy of possible criminal prosecution.
 Further, serious concerns have surfaced in the community concerning the partnership and relationship between OHEL and KOL TZEDEK, which is a project of Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes, created to combat sexual abuse in the Orthodox Jewish Community.  KOL TZEDEK's mission statement calls for providing support and assistance to victims and their families. Unfortunately this relationship appears to be a political one, without any substance at all. OHEL, a major partner with KOL TZEDEK, has not provided any emergency support to victims or families of the victims, especially in the recent high profile sex cases in the community, all of which resulted in convictions.
David Mandel, CEO - Ohel
Neither David Mandel, the CEO of OHEL, nor any one of OHEL’s staff, have ever been present at any of the court trials relating to sexual abuse in our community, nor have they reached out to any of the families involved with any compassion or assistance. OHEL, which is one of the largest non-profit agencies in the New York City area, providing mental health and foster care services, should have reached out and offered its services to victims, alleged victims, and their families.
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Rabbi Yosef Blau
As Rabbi Yosef Blau, a Rosh Yeshiva at Yeshiva University, pointed out, OHEL is an extremely important institution in our community and operates vital programs that are crucial and needed for the families in our community. However, these troubling issues cannot be swept under the rug. They must be dealt with in order to banish the dark clouds that impede OHEL’s overall effectiveness and compliance.
We respectfully ask OHEL’s Board of Directors to initiate an external investigation. A team of independent professionals, not associated with OHEL, must be invited in to carry out these duties. The external investigation and the implementation of their suggestions will hopefully bring about reinvigorated and honest leadership to the helm of OHEL. This investigation should be similar to the investigation of the Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America (OU) wherein confidence was successfully restored, (specifically after the Baruch Lanner scandal), resulting in the hiring of a new executive leader.  We hope for similar results in this matter.
We firmly believe that bring new leadership to OHEL, specifically a CEO with clinical experience, to guide the agency through this pivotal and difficult period in the agency’s history, will help to restore OHEL’s original vision and vital mission of protecting Jewish children and strengthening Jewish families.

Chicago Orthodox High Schools - Looking for more information

The Awareness Center is currently looking for information regarding two different alleged sex offenders; both have been employed as teachers in two different Chicago area yeshiva high schools.
  • Allegations made against a male teacher in a Chabad affiliated girl's high school in Chicago.
  • Allegations made against a male teacher in a boy's yeshiva high school in Chicago.

If you or anyone you know has information or was abused in either of these cases, please contact Vicki Polin at The Awareness Center.

Chicago's Jewish Religious Court
I've been told that the Beth Din Zedek Ecclesiastical Judicature of the Chicago Rabbinical Council is aware of these cases, yet never forwarded the information to DCFS.

Chicago Rabbinical Council
2701 W. Howard St., Chicago, IL 60645
773-465-3900

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Ohel: What do you say to the children who were abused that you neglected to report to CPS?

David Pelcovitz and David Mandel
Please note that the article below was written back in 2003 as part of Ohel's propaganda to give the impression that they were doing the right thing when it came to sexually abused children.  


At that time The Awareness Center had already been questioning their non-compliance to follow the New York State law, that required them to make hot-line reports when they SUSPECTED a child was at risk of harm or neglect.  Their response was to incinuate that our organization was anti-orthodox and eluded that Vicki Polin, who is the founder and CEO of our organization was crazy.  The goal was to attempt to distract the orthodox community from being enlightened of reality.  Their motto always appeared to be "divide and conquer" any group of people who were shining a light on truth. 

Back in 2003, individuals connected to Ohel attempted to state that due to cultural diversity issues that they exempt from following the law of the land.  Their main point was that no one would come to them for help if it was known they would make hotline reports.  The truth is that years ago when the mandated reporter laws first took effect, this was the fear of secular organization.  As time past it was proven that this fear was not reality based.

It's important to note that Ohel Family Services receive both state and federal funding, which obligates them to report cases in which they SUSPECT child abuse or neglect to the New York State Child Protective Services.  By not making reports, The Awareness Center believes that a federal investigation should be made, and criminal charges should be brought up against them.

The Awareness Center is currently looking for cases in which David Mandel, David Pelcovitz or staff at Ohel Family Services has acted appropriately and put the safety and concern of children before that of the rabbonim or other powerful influential individuals?  If anyone is aware of any, please let us know.
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Ohel:  What do we say to our children who are molested?
(2003) David Mandel Chief Executive Officer OHEL Children’s Home & Family Services and David Pelcovitz, Ph.D. Chief of Child and Adolescent Psychology North Shore University Hospital 














What do we say to our children who are molested? 

In the last six months child molestation has been described in a series of articles.  The focus has been to inform and educate our community on a phenomenon that exists that most people do not discuss…there are Orthodox Jewish men who are pedophiles.  The second focus was to encourage parents of victims and our community leaders to prosecute these molesters. There are scores, yes scores, of molesters in our midst throughout Orthodox Jewish communities in New York, throughout the United States and in Israel, yet maybe a handful have been prosecuted and jailed.

This topic hits a nerve.  Children who are victims are traumatized.  Parents are angry and confused on how to respond to their child and how to prosecute the molester.  Adding to the confusion are neighbors and community leaders who have rallied in support of the alleged molester refusing to believe that this “good man” perpetrated this crime. The Jewish Press is thanked for its courageous stand in printing this series of articles.  They have taken some criticism from those who feel this is not a topic to be publicly discussed.

Much attention has focused recently on the issue of adolescents at risk and especially drug use.  Drug use is directly relevant to the issue of molestation.  When an adolescent who is a drug user has truly gained your trust and he or she has reached a point of helplessness many will tell you of their experiences of being molested as a child.  We will discuss this in greater detail at a future date.

What do we tell our children who were victims?  How do we take away the pain? the memory? the feeling of being dirty?

Let’s first understand just how complex this issue is. Sigmund Freud established a principle in human behavior that the path to healing an emotional wound is by talking about it. We could disagree with Freud yet this is the very concept that seems to most elude us in our frum circles.  Our response has been to ignore, deny or suppress such conversations both individually and as a community.  So the very first action to take is to speak with the child.

Child molestation is an invasion of the body and brain that is different from other situations we face with children.  We have, lo aleinu, children with cancer who require explanations of how their body is affected and what radiation and chemotherapy is.  We have children to whom we explain the loss of a grandparent or parent, rachmeinu litzlun, and that Hashem took them to a better place as His helper. Sickness and death are difficult concepts to explain to children yet there are physical aspects to them that can be described in a way that the child can understand.

Although some children who are molested may show no obvious changes in their behavior common reactions may include changes in the following areas:
Ability to trust others: Children abused by a trusted adult may have difficulty allowing themselves to get close to members of the extended family or adults they come in contact with in school or shul. Young children may become more clingy and older children may develop a hostile or mistrustful attitude in relating to others. 
Impaired self-concept: Abused children may develop a sense of permanent damage, which may include feelings of shame, self-blame, and a general sense that they are unworthy of love. Some react by gravitating to peer groups dominated by rejected or rebellious children, since they view themselves as not deserving to be in the mainstream. 
Difficulty controlling emotions: Increased irritability or difficulty calming down after becoming upset is frequently seen in these children.  Younger children may manifest regressed behaviors such as an increase in whining, tantrums or bed-wetting.  Older children may become less compliant or more withdrawn.  Feelings of sadness, emptiness and hopelessness may be accompanied by physical complaints such as frequent headaches or stomach aches. 
Academic difficulties: A number of studies have documented higher rates of academic difficulties in abused children.  Impaired concentration and motivation are among the contributors to school difficulties. 
Religious crisis: We have found that some children may experience a crisis in emunah after their victimization.  For adolescents, in particular, it may be very difficult to reconcile religious beliefs with actions by supposedly “religious” adults who act in such a hypocritical manner.

 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG

If we believe that our child is a victim of molestation and talking is the very first step, what is it that we should talk about?  We should emphasize the following to our son or daughter.

  • We, your mother and father, love you.

  • You did absolutely nothing wrong.

  • Your body is yours, let’s discuss how to protect it in the future, no one can touch your body in any way without your permission.

  • Your body is good, it’s not dirty.  Someone else who is not good did something that he wasn’t supposed to.

  • He was wrong for doing this.

  • You were not wrong for letting him do this

  • Since the majority of children are molested by people they know – relative, neighbor, coach, man in the neighborhood, Rebbe - you need to discuss trust in older people and role models.  This one person did something bad. Place an emphasis on all the other people that are good, loving and kind.

  • It is human nature to shy away from discussing sexual issues with our children when they’re young adults let alone when they may be ten or fifteen years old. Yet this is what we’ll need to discuss. How can we know what really happened unless we explore it in detail?  There were only two people there, the molester and your child and you certainly won’t hear the details from the molester. 


Molesters are repeat offenders.  Their modus operandi is to molest many children over a period of time or to have a continuous relationship with one child.  Your child was an unwilling victim.  Yet, these sexual experiences have taught your ten-year-old certain pleasures that are confusing and contradictory.  A recent story of a child molester in the Bronx best explains this complexity.  The NY Times on February 5, 2000 states “investigators believed that five children did not report this molester to the police because he treated them extremely well.  They knew that what they were doing was wrong but they were showered with gifts and kindness by the molester.”  If a molester is kind and if his physical acts create a sense of pleasure for the victim you can appreciate the magnitude of the problem we are dealing with.  These are specific issues that need to be explored with your child.

  • Whom should you tell?  Should you confide in your child’s Rebbe? We believe not at first, but you should listen very carefully to any nuance of change that the Rebbe and teacher may be describing about your child’s behavior in class.

  • Don’t start to overprotect and smother your child.  Don’t begin to behave in an erratic manner by not letting him or her go to friends anymore or to the store by himself.  You want to teach him to regain his confidence and his ability to make good choices so don’t begin to limit his choices.
  • Again, we, your mother and father, love you. You did nothing wrong.  Your body is good. Someone else did something wrong.
  •  These are issues that you can emphasize repeatedly and over a period of time with your child if you become aware that he or she was a victim.  All too often we don’t know who is a victim. So it is important to discuss with your young child the concept of his or her body and protecting it.  You can use any words to describe this concept of protecting themselves when they’re playing with friends, in a school bathroom, in camp, and so on.
  • Now let's go back a step.  Go slow.  Your child may need professional help.  He or she may find it embarrassing to talk to you.  He may feel dirty, that he can’t tell you how his body was violated.  Even if he talks to you he will still be very embarrassed.  In fact he may even feel worse about having shared this information with you.     After all, children believe that parents are the oldest people in the world. Your child  may open up to you in a way that you won't know how to respond.  You certainly don't want to make the situation worse. You have to recognize this and respect this. 
  
Don’t push the notion that you can tell mommy everything.  It’s often easier to speak to a total stranger.  Accept this and seek professional help.  This is not an indication that you have failed as a parent. On the contrary, it is a sign of your  strength, recognition that others can lend support.

Children are, by their very nature, resilient.  Once the secret is disclosed, the child is made to feel safe, and family members respond with love and reassurance, the overwhelming majority of children are able to recover quickly and live a normal life. At the same time there are a number of children who will require professional help.

·      There are other parents in your circumstances.  It will be good to compare notes with someone else.  You do this all the time about the most mundane things in life why not about your most important treasure, your child’s emotional health.  OHEL or other organizations can assist you with individual or family counseling.

These suggestions are very broad guidelines.  We continue our journey to educate our community to increase awareness of child molestation.  As we push the issue of prosecution of molesters to protect our children and our community we can use these guidelines to speak to our children who were victimized or discuss with our children how they can protect themselves.