Mother’s Day Thoughts

© (2009) by Moreyn Kamenir

Moreyn Kamenir

On my fiftieth birthday I received a call from my mother who had been going through several life changes. During the conversation I kept offering to help in any way I could. Her response back to me was that she already had 'family near her' that had 'been a part of her life throughout this mess'. . . Oh, and happy birthday.  The 'mess' is my step-father. The man who put me out on the street at the age of fifteen.

Unfortunately, I'm kind of familiar with my step-father’s brand of terrorizing people and thought I might be of some assistance.  Being financially solvent for the first time in my fifty years of life, I thought perhaps I could chip in and help her find a place to live and also offer her some pocket money. Those were the things I really wanted to help with.

Thinking of all of this I can’t help but flashback to when I was fifteen-years-old.  No one was there to help me when my stepfather sent me barefooted and coatless out into the world.  The reality is that he took my suitcase from me as I left my home, and took out anything he might have bought for me. Nice, huh?

So now what to do about Mothers day? I really didn't want a repeat of my happy birthday call that really made my 50th birthday so memorable.  All I could think of doing was send a card. The problem is that it’s nearly impossible to find a Mothers Day card for a woman who just sat there and let her husband do what he did to her daughter.  A woman who for the last thirty-five-years has told me she would love to call me regularly, but that my step father wouldn't allow her to.  I often wondered why she just didn’t buy herself a phone card or go to a phone booth to make a call to say hi. I offered to send her a card more than once.

When I was in my twenties I was pretty stable.  From the ages of nineteen to twenty-four, I lived in the same place and had the same phone number. During that time period I used to make up reasons to call her.  I would call to ask, “How do you make this, Mom?”, “What should I do, Mom?”, etc.   I didn't really need her input, I just needed her to be my mother.  I did this hoping to open up the lines of communication.

So how do you find a Mother’s Day cards for the mother who didn't love you?  Every card I could find , goes on and on about “how the mother ‘was there for you' and 'always made you laugh'”.  They all speak of unquestionable love and maternal passions.

What card do you send to a mother who let her husband throw-out her fifteen-year-old daughter?

My sister ran away right after my step-father made sexual advances towards her.

My mother would make my step-father leave my room when he insisted on tucking me in at night.  She knew he would make me feel very uncomfortable when he did. There is more, but not worth going into. You don't need to know it all.

Skip ahead to high school. One day my step-father told my mother that he was going for a walk around the block, and when he returned he expected an answer from her.  My mother had to choose between me and him.  Then he walked out the door.

My mother sat there crying . . . just looking at me with eyes leaking tears.  She didn't want to be put into this position.

At the age of fifteen, I made her decision for her and decided I would leave.  Just at that moment my stepfather walked in the house.  He saw me packing my suitcase and took out everything he ever bought me.
When my mother and I spoke on my fiftieth birthday, she told me that none of that had ever happened.  That my step-father never threw me out.  This was an event that is burnt into my brain.  It was the turning point of my life.

I’ll admit that it is easy for me to make excuses for my mother.  I can understand that guilt, depression or whatever emotion it took -- managed to wipe this memory from my mother’s brain.  I get why people do that. Unfortunately, I've never been blessed with that ability. I remember being raped shortly after I left my parent home when I was fifteen. I remember it vividly.

I remember the beatings from both Bruce and David, who were my 'boyfriends' after leaving home.  Some things just plain stick with you no matter what you do. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The incident will replay as long as you live as clearly as it was a minute ago. Nothing changes. It is the same memory over and over. The same startling nightmares week after year -- it doesn't change, ever!  It can't, it’s replaying because my brain can't wrap around the realities I've endured. My mind is still trying to find a way to rationalize irrationalities. This will continue until I can understand the things I've been through and let go.  It will continue. And it does.

I guess it's time for me to finally live my own life.  This year I only sent the Mother’s Day card. No flowers. No phone call.  The impersonal piece of paper seems to be what might make her happy, so that's what I did. There are no pictures of me growing up. The old report cards have all been thrown away, everything from my childhood gone!

Twenty years ago I visited my mother while she was still living in Illinois.  I remember her  answering her telephone in the laundry room downstairs.  I was speaking to a woman who claimed to be my mother’s 'best friend'.  I’ll never forget the woman’s shock when she learned my mother had two children.   The woman only knew about my older sister. She never knew about me.

I can’t help but wonder why have I continued to try to communicate with my mother and older sister for the last 35 years?  It pains my heart thinking about how close the three of us were growing up. Those were the days it was us three against the world.  It's time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. There is no room in their lives for me.  It hurts so badly.  I didn't leave my mother’s home because I wanted to.  I left because I felt as if there was no alternatives. I could not stay in the hell that was her husband's life and keep my sanity.

My mother’s words play over and over in my head.  She told me she 'did the best with what she had'.

What she had? What she had was ME. It's not about a house or money, she was talking about me!  She did the best she could with the inferior product that was me. She still despises my real Father.  She has been unable to let go of old hurts, unable completely. Unwilling I should say. Gee we are a bit alike, but with me I have no choice. Something has short circuited in my brain. With her, she simply re-writes history and tells me things didn't even happen. They didn't according to her selective memory.

While I was in my twenties, I cried for about a year.  I can't remember the exact time, but I've already mourned the loss of my Mother. It's something you don't get over. You'll always miss your mother.  I'm just going to keep keeping on missing a woman that never actually existed.

It’s time for me to grow up. I am fifty-years-old now. I need to face reality. My family has gone on without me and does not want me to be a part of it.

Mother's Day

© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

We have all been taught from a very early age to honor our mothers and fathers. This lesson can be extremely complicated for survivors of childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Each year when "Mother's Day" comes around, certain expectations come along with it. All of us whose mothers are still alive are called to honor and reaffirm our love and appreciation for an individual who brought us into this world; a person who made numerous selfless sacrifices in her own life to raise happy and healthy children and support them through their path to adulthood. Unfortunately for survivors of childhood abuse, this day can be extremely difficult and confusing: for how does one spend a day seeped in honoring someone who had failed to live up to the very archetype of unconditional protection that the day celebrates and who at times may have been the very person responsible for the abuse?

Jonathan, a survivor, wrote us:

"Growing up my brothers and I would buy our mother presents. It was expected that our family would spend the day together and come evening my father would take us all out to dinner. Once I became an adult and started dealing with my abuse issues, it became difficult for me to attend family functions, especially this family function.

How was I to honor the very woman who was my offender? It's taken me years to be able to say 'I am a survivor of Mother-Son incest.' To this day my mother has never apologized for sexually assaulting me...and so I struggle honoring the kind of mother she is. This makes Mother's day a difficult day for me."

Nancy wrote:

"My mother was always very abusive to me as I was growing up. She even blamed me for her boyfriend raping me when I was eight-years-old! From that time on I'd tried being the perfect little girl; hoping that one day she'd forgive me... Every year as Mother's Day approached I'd go to our local card store and spend hours searching for the perfect card that will tell my mother how much she meant to me. I guess I figured that if I could find the right card she would start to love me again...

When I turned eighteen I moved out on my own. This was also the year when I first entered therapy. It got to be very difficult for me to buy my mom a Mother's Day card... For a few years I just got cards that were funny, but then it didn't feel right to do that anymore, either. Because you see, even the funny cards ended up saying stuff like 'what a great mom you were'... Finally I found a recovery bookstore that sold greeting cards and believe it or not they had cards that specialized in dealing with the very 'card-issues' those of us from 'dysfunctional families' have! I now send her cards that acknowledges the fact she gave birth to me, spent money raising me, and so forth; but don't go on to say how great a parent she was."

With the messages of picture-perfect mothering practically everywhere, Mother's Day is a time of year when it is NOT uncommon for survivors to have painful memories reemerge. When this happens a survivor may find it safer to retreat than to participate in family functions (especially if the abuse wasn't acknowledge along with the complicated feelings that being hurt or unprotected by someone you love and depended on can bring up). It is important that survivors find what works best for them in order to stay emotionally healthy. While one survivor may find shunning Mother's Day altogether the safest, another may find that they do want to spend some time with their family, but set some boundaries as to how long they stay or where they spend this time. Other survivors may find it easier to make a phone call than to see their mother in person. Others yet may want to spend the day with friends or mentors. Some survivors have made Mother's day an opportunity for giving--they volunteer in orphanages and children's homes, call their local nursing home to find if there are residents without families who may appreciate a visitor on a day when other residents have family come, or spend time with an elderly or lonely neighbor. What is most important is that each person be kind to themselves, no matter what they decided. If you have a survivor in your family--you can help support them by respecting their decision, especially if they decide not to participate.

Marleen said:

"Every year when 'Mother's Day' approaches I get together with a group of my friends who are all survivors and we honor each other for helping ourselves re-parent ourselves."

Lou shared:

"Mother's Day has always been a very difficult day for me. My mother was not my offender, but I know she was more than aware of the physical violence that went on in our home. She'd be sitting there watching TV as my father chased me around the room and then beat me with his belt. I cannot honor my mother. However, I do celebrate Mother's Day with my wife and children--my wife is a wonderful woman and mother. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for having such a kind and loving life-partner."

If you know someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, it may be a good idea to check on them a few times on Mother's Day and let them know you understand.

If you are a survivor, maybe find a friend who is free and spend time with them. Remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Mother's Day can be difficult not only because of its topic. Sometimes the day itself carries memories of pain. Holidays are a time when families tend to get together and routines are changed. There's often added stress of traveling, cleaning, and preparing meals. In healthy families this stress translates mostly as excitement and anticipation. Unfortunately, however, dysfunctional parents who are already inclined to use their children as an outlet for emotions and urges, are often even more likely to do so when under increased stress and anxiety. Many survivors of childhood abuse report that their abuse intensified around and during holidays, including Mother's Day.

Symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) can at times intensify around holidays, or get temporarily triggered even after periods of relative remission. If you experience an increase in disturbing thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks, try to remind yourself that these intrusions are about the past, that the abuse is over, and that the most important thing you can do for yourself is to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you find yourself beset by thoughts of self-harm or even suicide--reach out. Call a friend, a therapist, a hotline. You don't need to manage these overwhelming feelings alone.

Whatever you decided to do, remember that this is your life to live and that things can change with time--you may never want to have anything to do with your family or the holiday ever again, or you may find that several years down the road you are ready to make new or partial plans. You are not wrong or bad for having second and third and forth thoughts about if and how to celebrate holidays--any holiday! Look into yourself and identify what it is you need, then do your best to do it. Be kind to yourself as you make the adjustments you need to make.

And...most importantly...Todah Rabah for Surviving!

Mother's Day
© (2006) Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC and Na’ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH