Jerusalem - 'Spiritual Abuse' of Haredi Women Long Denied, Comes To Light In Conference
By Judy Siegel-Itzkovich
Jerusalem Post - February 15, 2009
Jerusalem
- Abuse of women, children and the elderly in the religious Jewish
community was long denied, on the grounds that observance of the Torah
and Talmud prevented it. Physical, sexual, emotional, economic and other
types of maltreatment of the weak, claimed this sector, occurs among
secular Jews, but "not in our camp."
But this has been
disproven by infamous cases of child abuse reported recently in the
general media, and the opening of shelters for battered women in haredi
neighborhoods.
THE RECENT ninth Jerusalem conference of
ATEM Nefesh-Israel - an organization of observant social workers,
psychologists, psychiatrists and other therapists - had several sessions
devoted to this topic. Although all the 200 or so participants were
religious (most of them women), the public nature of the conference at
the Bayit Vegan Guesthouse constituted a welcome airing of the religious
community's "dirty laundry," though some rabbis still insist on hiding
it. The organization of religious therapists was founded by Shaare Zedek
Medical Center neuropsychologist Dr. Judith Guedalia and geriatric
social worker and Melabev found Leah Abramowitz.
Clearly,
most religious Jewish men are good or excellent husbands and fathers.
No data were provided on how common abuse is in the religious -
especially haredi - community, and how it compares with the secular
community, but the fact that it was discussed is a healthy phenomenon.
"Twenty
years ago, no one would dream of talking openly about violence in the
religious family," said Rabbi Dr. Benjamin (Benny) Lau. The modern
Orthodox rabbi - who is director of the Center for Judaism and Society,
heads Jerusalem's Institute for Social Justice at Beit Morasha, serves
as rabbi of the Ramban Synagogue in the Katamon quarter and lectures on
Jewish law and social justice at Bar-Ilan University - delivered a
keynote address at the conference. "If a community gives a legitimacy to
violence and abuse, these can happen. There are closets in haredi
society that are still not open."
AN EYE-OPENING
workshop on "Spiritual Abuse" of haredi women opened the closet door a
crack. Dr. Nicole Dahan, a social worker at the Ariel University Center
and Tzipi Levy, a social worker in the Jerusalem Municipality, have done
much to put this subject on the public agenda.
While
until recently, men's abuse of their partners was known to involve
physical, emotional, sexual and verbal violence, as well as economic
abuse and the reduction of freedom, Levy and Dahan discovered that some
haredi men use God and the commandments to abuse their wives.
Such
spiritual abuse occurs solely in observant communities, mostly the
ultra-Orthodox. Men who spend all their time in a kollel (yeshiva for
married men) and have a very low level of secular education may be
jealous of their wives, who are often required to work and support their
large families. A growing number of haredi wives attend courses and
colleges, earn degrees and work in advanced fields such as computers and
even engineering. This may lead to abuse by their husbands.
Levy,
who like Dahan is Orthodox and who has worked as a municipal
coordinator against abuse of women, described a haredi man who told all
the relatives invited to his daughter's bat mitzva that his wife was
"crazy" and proceeded to bad-mouth her even though this is forbidden by
halacha.
After running workshops for secular abused
women in northern Jerusalem, she began to organize them for haredi
women. Groups of women met regularly for a year and a half and poured
out their hearts about what they live with. They told stories about
husbands who denigrated their prayers. "One husband told his wife that
her praying was a 'waste of time,' that 'God doesn't listen' to her and
that there was 'no value' to her supplications." Levy recalled one woman
whose husband screamed at her in the middle of the night when she got
out of bed "immodestly" in her bare feet to breastfeed her crying
newborn.
Another example of spiritual abuse was a woman
who very much wanted to observe the commandment of "separating halla" -
a commandment given especially to women. This involves the removal and
burning of a portion of dough before baking bread containing at least
1.6 kilos of flour. The moment of separating the dough and reciting a
special blessing is viewed as an especially propitious moment for
praying for one's loved ones. The act is symbolic, like offering a
sacrifice on the Temple altar in expiation of sins, as a tithe to the
kohen or as a plea to God to protect the woman from sorrow and pain.
Separation of the halla is also regarded as a way to have an easy, safe
birth and a good livelihood.
But one husband denigrated
his wife for "wasting money on flour" or "making a mess on Friday
afternoons" when she should have been preparing for Shabbat, and
declared it was cheaper to buy readymade halla. Levy said the husband
then ordered a child to go to the nearest grocery and buy loaves.
Instead of saying a blessing on the homemade halla, he did so on the
store-bought bread. "He whispered to his wife: 'When I say the blessing
on the wine [kiddush], I will not include you!' The woman was thus
forced to eat without the required inclusion in this blessing that
begins the Shabbat meal."
Another technique of
spiritual abuse is to bring bread into rooms that the wife has already
meticulously cleaned before Pessah, or disappearing when the woman has
returned "pure" from the ritual bath - a time when couples traditionally
have sexual relations after about 12 days of abstention. He is thus
able to control his wife by using their religion.
DAHAN
NOTED that this type of abuse involves repeated attempts to harm the
wife's spiritual life. "It is ridiculing, minimizing the wife's
spiritual activity. It is usually not a one-time occurrence," she said,
after interviewing numerous victims who feel shame, guilt and lack of
worth. "The more seriously the woman takes religion, the harder it is
for her."
Dahan added that she believes spiritual abuse
can cause even more damage than physical abuse, and that "it seems to
occur much more in the haredi community than the modern Orthodox because
Jewish law has such a supreme role in haredi lives."
"Could spiritual abuse be perpetrated by wives on their husbands?" one woman asked Dahan.
"It could be, but we focused on abuse of women."
One
haredi woman in the room, with seating separated by gender, raised her
hand and suggested it does go both ways. "I know a woman who goes to the
Western Wall to pray every week, leaving her husband to cook for the
family, and she refuses to accompany him to weddings and other
ceremonial family events."
"A man may dress like a
haredi in black and with all the paraphernalia," suggested another
haredi woman, "but he is just acting. It may be he suffers from
psychopathology, or he may feel jealous of his wife."
Dahan
nodded her head. "Yes, he can have a split personality, giving the
impression of living a religious life while hiding his bad side."
A
participant from the male side of the audience said men who spiritually
abuse their wives may get support from their rabbis, some of whom
assert that a Jewish woman must do exactly what her husband says, even
if he is abusing her. "The rabbi may even quote the Talmud to back the
man's arguments and help him control her.
But another
haredi man said that "not every such story is spiritual violence. The
husband may legitimately be opposed to his wife wearing a wig instead of
a hat."
Dahan commented that "therapists have to be
very careful not to label everything immediately as spiritual abuse.
There's a thin line between a woman serving or listening to her husband
and being punished by him."
A hassidic woman in the
audience said she knew of spiritual abuse of hassidic women whose
husbands are "devoted to the Admor [the hassidic rebbe who heads their
community], but go to all events while ignoring their wives. I know of a
woman who was getting fertility treatments, but the husband wouldn't
cooperate because he "had" to be at the rebbe's sermon and festive meal.
Levy
said Jerusalem social workers and mental health professionals have
accepted their description of spiritual abuse and now screen haredi
women who come for help. "There are all kinds of problems that a
non-religious therapist wouldn't identify. But there are observant
therapists who have asked me whether it's a desecration of God's name if
they investigate accusations of spiritual abuse. I say it is a
consecration of God's name to identify such acts and treat victims."
The
social workers were more vague about the treatment than the phenomenon.
"I am sure that some things have to be changed in the education of
haredi girls," said Dahan. "Many may need to get a feeling of
empowerment so they can choose a husband carefully and detect signs of
potential abusers. Nefesh is gradually bringing changes by educating and
integrating rabbis."
"We must give haredi women the
choice of whether to be a victim or not," added Levy. "Problems often
appear in childhood. We have to help the victim identify the problem.
Men will be willing to change if doing so doesn't cost him more than he
gains. Rabbis can find a halachic solution for the problem. Sometimes,
if there is no hope, they can suggest divorce. They can instruct the
woman to pray at the Kotel to empower her."
A haredi
woman in the audience suggested: "If the husband is unwilling to take
the blame, the rabbi can blame the woman even though she is not at
fault, and then the husband will be more willing to go for treatment."
So the "dirty laundry" is being exposed. Now it's time for the sunlight to do its work.
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