An abuse of belief
By Judy Siegel-Itzkovich
The Jerusalem Post - Feb. 14, 2009
Abuse
of women, children and the elderly in the religious Jewish community
was long denied, on the grounds that observance of the Torah and Talmud
prevented it. Physical, sexual, emotional, economic and other types of
maltreatment of the weak, claimed this sector, occurs among secular
Jews, but "not in our camp."
But this has been disproven by
infamous cases of child abuse reported recently in the general media,
and the opening of shelters for battered women in haredi neighborhoods.
THE
RECENT ninth Jerusalem conference of ATEM Nefesh-Israel - an
organization of observant social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists
and other therapists - had several sessions devoted to this topic.
Although all the 200 or so participants were religious (most of them
women), the public nature of the conference at the Bayit Vegan
Guesthouse constituted a welcome airing of the religious community's
"dirty laundry," though some rabbis still insist on hiding it. The
organization of religious therapists was founded by Shaare Zedek Medical
Center neuropsychologist Dr. Judith Guedalia and geriatric social
worker and Melabev founder Leah Abramowitz.
Clearly, most
religious Jewish men are good or excellent husbands and fathers. No data
were provided on how common abuse is in the religious - especially
haredi - community, and how it compares with the secular community, but
the fact that it was discussed is a healthy phenomenon.
"Twenty
years ago, no one would dream of talking openly about violence in the
religious family," said Rabbi Dr. Benjamin (Benny) Lau. The modern
Orthodox rabbi - who is director of the Center for Judaism and Society,
heads Jerusalem's Institute for Social Justice at Beit Morasha, serves
as rabbi of the Ramban Synagogue in the Katamon quarter and lectures on
Jewish law and social justice at Bar-Ilan University - delivered a
keynote address at the conference. "If a community gives a legitimacy to
violence and abuse, these can happen. There are closets in haredi
society that are still not open."
AN EYE-OPENING workshop on
"Spiritual Abuse" of haredi women opened the closet door a crack. Dr.
Nicole Dahan, a social worker at the Ariel University Center and Tzipi
Levy, a social worker in the Jerusalem Municipality, have done much to
put this subject on the public agenda.
While until recently, men's
abuse of their partners was known to involve physical, emotional,
sexual and verbal violence, as well as economic abuse and the reduction
of freedom, Levy and Dahan discovered that some haredi men use God and
the commandments to abuse their wives.
Such spiritual abuse occurs solely in observant communities, mostly the ultra-Orthodox. Men who spend all their time in a kollel (yeshiva
for married men) and have a very low level of secular education may be
jealous of their wives, who are often required to work and support their
large families. A growing number of haredi wives attend courses and
colleges, earn degrees and work in advanced fields such as computers and
even engineering. This may lead to abuse by their husbands.
Levy,
who like Dahan is Orthodox and who has worked as a municipal
coordinator against abuse of women, described a haredi man who told all
the relatives invited to his daughter's bat mitzva that his wife was
"crazy" and proceeded to bad-mouth her even though this is forbidden by
halacha.
After running workshops for secular abused women in
northern Jerusalem, she began to organize them for haredi women. Groups
of women met regularly for a year and a half and poured out their hearts
about what they live with. They told stories about husbands who
denigrated their prayers. "One husband told his wife that her praying
was a 'waste of time,' that 'God doesn't listen' to her and that there
was 'no value' to her supplications." Levy recalled one woman whose
husband screamed at her in the middle of the night when she got out of
bed "immodestly" in her bare feet to breastfeed her crying newborn.
Another
example of spiritual abuse was a woman who very much wanted to observe
the commandment of "separating halla" - a commandment given especially
to women. This involves the removal and burning of a portion of dough
before baking bread containing at least 1.6 kilos of flour. The moment
of separating the dough and reciting a special blessing is viewed as an
especially propitious moment for praying for one's loved ones. The act
is symbolic, like offering a sacrifice on the Temple altar in expiation
of sins, as a title to the kohen or as a plea to God to protect the woman from sorrow and pain. Separation of the halla is also regarded as a way to have an easy, safe birth and a good livelihood.
But
one husband denigrated his wife for "wasting money on flour" or "making
a mess on Friday afternoons" when she should have been preparing for
Shabbat, and declared it was cheaper to buy ready made halla. Levy
said the husband then ordered a child to go to the nearest grocery and
buy loaves. Instead of saying a blessing on the homemade halla, he did
so on the store-bought bread. "He whispered to his wife: 'When I say the
blessing on the wine [kiddush], I will not include you!' The
woman was thus forced to eat without the required inclusion in this
blessing that begins the Shabbat meal."
Another technique of
spiritual abuse is to bring bread into rooms that the wife has already
meticulously cleaned before Pessah, or disappearing when the woman has
returned "pure" from the ritual bath - a time when couples traditionally
have sexual relations after about 12 days of abstention. He is thus
able to control his wife by using their religion.
DAHAN NOTED that
this type of abuse involves repeated attempts to harm the wife's
spiritual life. "It is ridiculing, minimizing the wife's spiritual
activity. It is usually not a one-time occurrence," she said, after
interviewing numerous victims who feel shame, guilt and lack of worth.
"The more seriously the woman takes religion, the harder it is for her."
Dahan
added that she believes spiritual abuse can cause even more damage than
physical abuse, and that "it seems to occur much more in the haredi
community than the modern Orthodox because Jewish law has such a supreme
role in haredi lives."
"Could spiritual abuse be perpetrated by wives on their husbands?" one woman asked Dahan.
"It could be, but we focused on abuse of women."
One
haredi woman in the room, with seating separated by gender, raised her
hand and suggested it does go both ways. "I know a woman who goes to the
Western Wall to pray every week, leaving her husband to cook for the
family, and she refuses to accompany him to weddings and other
ceremonial family events."
"A man may dress like a haredi in black
and with all the paraphernalia," suggested another haredi woman, "but
he is just acting. It may be he suffers from psychopathology, or he may
feel jealous of his wife."
Dahan nodded her head. "Yes, he can
have a split personality, giving the impression of living a religious
life while hiding his bad side."
A participant from the male side
of the audience said men who spiritually abuse their wives may get
support from their rabbis, some of whom assert that a Jewish woman must
do exactly what her husband says, even if he is abusing her. "The rabbi
may even quote the Talmud to back the man's arguments and help him
control her.
But another haredi man said that "not every such
story is spiritual violence. The husband may legitimately be opposed to
his wife wearing a wig instead of a hat."
Dahan commented that
"therapists have to be very careful not to label everything immediately
as spiritual abuse. There's a thin line between a woman serving or
listening to her husband and being punished by him."
A hassidic woman in the audience said she knew of spiritual abuse of hassidic women whose husbands are "devoted to the Admor[the
hassidic rebbe who heads their community], but go to all events while
ignoring their wives. I know of a woman who was getting fertility
treatments, but the husband wouldn't cooperate because he "had" to be at
the rebbe's sermon and festive meal.
Levy said Jerusalem social
workers and mental health professionals have accepted their description
of spiritual abuse and now screen haredi women who come for help. "There
are all kinds of problems that a non-religious therapist wouldn't
identify. But there are observant therapists who have asked me whether
it's a desecration of God's name if they investigate accusations of
spiritual abuse. I say it is a consecration of God's name to identify such acts and treat victims."
The
social workers were more vague about the treatment than the phenomenon.
"I am sure that some things have to be changed in the education of
haredi girls," said Dahan. "Many may need to get a feeling of
empowerment so they can choose a husband carefully and detect signs of
potential abusers. Nefesh is gradually bringing changes by educating and
integrating rabbis."
"We must give haredi women the choice of
whether to be a victim or not," added Levy. "Problems often appear in
childhood. We have to help the victim identify the problem. Men will be
willing to change if doing so doesn't cost him more than he gains.
Rabbis can find a halachic solution for the problem. Sometimes, if there
is no hope, they can suggest divorce. They can instruct the woman to
pray at the Kotel to empower her."
A haredi woman in the audience
suggested: "If the husband is unwilling to take the blame, the rabbi can
blame the woman even though she is not at fault, and then the husband
will be more willing to go for treatment."
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