Seeking Validation After Abuse's Scars
by Donna Britt
The Washington Post - October 7, 2005
On Wednesday, Burke software sales executive (Name Removed) and a pal were in the middle of a night of chicken fajitas and chitchat when (Name Removed)'s friend lifted a crimson-filled wineglass to her lips.
One whiff of its contents and (Name Removed) -- who hadn't moved -- was gone.
To the early 1970s, to the basement of the brick-and-stone house next door to her Arlington childhood home. Once again, she was a skinny, trusting 8-year-old; with her was the kind, thirtysomething neighbor who played catch with her and asked for her help in creating a backyard pond.
A married, churchgoing insurance agent, he was the family friend who filled some of the blanks left by her absent father and prescription-drugaddicted mother.
Noticing a glass of pink liquid on his desk, the 8-year-old (Survivors Name Removed) asked, "What's in it?"
"Do you want to taste it?" he asked. Sticking out his tongue, he told her to do the same.
He rubbed their tongues together.
At that moment, "everything changed." More than three decades since that moment, remembering it "feels like last night," says (Name Removed), 41.
Last May, (Name Removed) told Arlington police about what happened in the basement, and about other abuses. Charged with three felony counts of "indecent liberties" with a child, the neighbor -- who is remarried and living in Annandale -- responded with an Alford plea, which stops short of admitting guilt but acknowledges that the prosecutor has enough evidence to convict if the case went to trial.
"It's the coward's way out," says Arlington police Detective Diane Guenther, an investigator in (Name Removed)'s case. "It's the same as guilty. But he doesn't have to say it."
Seated in a suburban restaurant, (Name Removed) has to say it. No one wants to believe that such things happen. Too many parents -- whose suddenly withdrawn daughters have started asking odd questions, whose unusually belligerent sons refuse to see a certain relative -- fail to ask, "What's going on?"
(Name Removed), who has wavy hair and a direct gaze, asked that her abuser not be identified by name in this column. "I don't want any money from him and didn't necessarily want him to go to jail," she says. "I wanted validation that what he did was wrong.
"And to protect other children."
October is National Crime Prevention Month. A quick scan of the National Crime Prevention Council's Web site offers worthwhile tips on starting a neighborhood watch program and avoiding identity theft -- but no immediate mention of an oft-preventable crime that happens right under our noses.
"People don't expect [child sex abuse] from someone they trust," Guenther says. So parents "have to notice changes in their children, listen to what they're saying, even if they're not saying it straight out."
Of course, some abuses escape the notice of even responsible caregivers. But as a child who was painfully aware that her family was on welfare, and whose haircuts were paid for by teachers who'd noticed her mother's inattention, she was "an easy victim," (Name Removed) says.
So her neighbor took her for long drives, placing her on his lap where he could "rub me inside my pants." When she expressed reluctance to accompany him, her mother would say, "But he does so much for us!" He even took her to be baptized.
By (Name Removed)'s teenage years, the abuses had stopped. A talented softball player, she won a partial scholarship to George Mason University -- and dropped out because "I was too depressed to focus on studies. I felt defective and damaged." Turning to computer sales, she eventually bought a three-bedroom townhouse and became "very successful -- on the outside."
But "I thought of him every day of my life," (Name Removed) says. "I was afraid of running into him. Wondering if there was someone else [he'd molested]."
Last year, she began calling Arlington police, asking questions about her abuser, about the statute of limitations on sex crimes (there is none). Finally, she explained her curiosity to detective Gregory Sloan, adding, "I don't want to ruin [her abuser's] life."
"Why not?" Sloan responded.
For the first time, (Name Removed) wondered, "Why am I protecting him?"
She needed evidence. Set up with a police phone, (Name Removed) began calling the neighbor. She told him of her hurt and anger; he was cagey, though he admitted, "I was very attracted to you." After several calls, (Name Removed) remembered the man had converted to Judaism.
It was Yom Kippur -- the holiday of atonement. "If he believed," she figured, "he had to come clean."
He did. "I want to say I'm sorry that we had an improper relationship," he told her. "I crossed the line in a very bad way."
On April 28, (Name Removed)'s abuser received a five-year "suspended imposition of sentence." Placed on supervised probation, he was required to submit to a sex offender evaluation, a polygraph and whatever treatment his evaluator required.
Two months later, (Name Removed) learned, a group in his synagogue -- six members of which had written character references for his court appearance -- voted him "Man of the Year."
Still, (Name Removed) feels "lucky." Few of the millions of child sex-abuse survivors -- experts say that's one in four children -- hear admissions of guilt from their tormentors. So "they're out there, still carrying their abuser's secret," says Pat Powers, (Name Removed)'s therapist at the Women's Center in Vienna.
No wonder facing her abuser in court "was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done," (Name Removed) admits. But as he was leaving the proceedings, she says, "our eyes locked."
"It felt good, not to be afraid."
(Name Removed) actually grins.
"I carried the baggage for both of us. . . ," she explains. "Now he can fear running into me."
Teshuvah tested - Shul copes with 30-year-old offense
by Eric Fingerhut, Staff Writer
Washington Jewish Week - Thursday, December 01, 2005
Note: Teshuvah (forgiveness) actually invokves much more than not taking responsibility for ones actions, not apologizing and continuously lying and misleading people about the nature of the charges and plea agreement.
When the Beth El Hebrew Congregation's Brotherhood honored one its members last spring, the Alexandria synagogue was unaware of a significant fact about its honoree.
Just a few weeks earlier, he had submitted a guilty plea to sexual contact with a young child.
The crime occurred more than 30 years ago, but the victim of the crime had recently stepped forward to file charges. And while some in the synagogue knew that the award recipient had been jailed for a few days the previous fall, none knew why Æ primarily because the man in question had not told them the truth about the criminal charges against him.
Beth El, with legal consultation, has since drawn up rules preventing the man who will be identified as J in this article from such actions as entering the synagogue unaccompanied by an adult and being alone around children at the synagogue.
But supporters of J and others also argue that his years of good works in the synagogue and community demonstrate that he has already been repenting for his crime for decades.
Given that J is not a public figure and the crime took place 30 years ago, WJW has decided not to use his name.
"Washington Jewish Week takes seriously the Jewish law against lashon hara, evil speech. In this case, we believed that the story was not that a local Jewish man had entered a plea as a sex offender last spring, but how his synagogue is dealing with the issue, and what does it mean to do teshuvah, to repent," said WJW's editor, Debra Rubin.
The victim's name is used, as she has publicly identified herself in the past.
The Reform Beth El is not the only synagogue facing this kind of problem.
Although no charges have been filed, officials at B'nai Israel Congregation in Rockville also have been dealing with a sensitive situation. David Kaye, the rabbi who was caught in a Dateline NBC sting last month involving men seeking young boys on the Internet, is a regular at the Conservative shul's daily minyan.
Some in the congregation worry that puts him in too close contact with children, particularly with those in the synagogue's preschool, who may be arriving for early drop-off while Kaye is still in the building.
B'nai Israel's Rabbi Jonathan Schnitzer had no comment on how his synagogue has responded to concerns.
Beth El officials, however, spoke about how they dealt with their congregant.
J reached a plea agreement last April 28 in Arlington County Circuit Court after he was charged with three counts of indecent liberties with an 8- to 11-year-old child that took place 1972-1975. The charge of indecent liberties, according to the indictment, means the defendant "did knowingly and intentionally in any manner fondle or feel the sexual or genital part of a female child, or breast, under the age of 14 years and to whom he was not legally married." The victim, Burke resident (Survivors Name Removed), has said such acts took place numerous times over those years.
J's plea agreement states that "I do not admit that I committed the crime to which I am pleading guilty. However, I have talked to my attorney about what might happen if I went to trial and I have decided it is in my interest to accept the prosecutor's offer."
He was placed on three years' probation, during which he cannot have contact with the victim and must go through a "complete sex offender evaluation and follow through with any treatment as recommended by [his] probation officer."
At the end of that period, J will be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea to the charge of indecent liberties and "plead guilty to an amended charge of assault and battery," according to the agreement.
While synagogue leaders knew J had legal difficulties, Beth El Rabbi Brett Isserow said the congregant had told him and others that the crime he had been accused of involved an incident with an older, 16- or 17-year-old, teenager.
It was not until Isserow and other synagogue leaders received letters during the summer from (Name Removed), that they found out that J had been charged with indecent liberties with an 8- to 11-year-old girl. He was in his late 20s at the time, and was a neighbor of her family's. They also found out then that he had been placed on probation, despite his earlier assertion that the matter had been closed.
Isserow said J put Beth El into a "difficult situation." Yet, the rabbi also wondered what "you and I would do" if faced with a similar situation about a long-ago incident that would cause embarrassment.
Isserow said he believed that J had been doing teshuvah over many years for the crime.
For instance, the Brotherhood honored J for his extensive volunteer efforts over the years, in particular, his involvement in building a chapel in the woods behind the synagogue and his chairing of the buildings and grounds committee of the shul for a number of years.
"I don't believe it's up to us as a synagogue to punish the guy," the rabbi said, adding, though, that there is "no doubt" he must face consequences from the justice system. He also emphasized that "the real bottom line" of repentance is not repeating the same behavior, and there is no evidence J has done so.
A number of other rabbis said living a good life after one's transgressions is an important part of the teshuvah process, but also emphasized that acknowledging one's crime and making restitution to the victim is an essential part of truly repenting for one's bad behavior.
Rabbis interviewed agreed to speak about the principles at issue in this case, since they were not familiar with the specifics of the matter.
Rabbi Yitzchok Breitowitz of Silver Spring's Woodside Synagogue noted that while J submitted a guilty plea to some "very, very horrendous crimes, at the same time Judaism believes in the power of teshuvah."
While "we don't know a person's heart," if someone has "repudiated and rejected that type of life" and "tried to make amends," then "that is certainly something in his favor," said the Orthodox Breitowitz, who is also a law professor at the University of Maryland.
Breitowitz pointed to a talmudic passage that states that one is not allowed to remind a person of past transgressions if that individual has made teshuvah for them.
But the rabbi also noted the "damage cannot totally be undone," and that teshuvah "does require restitution to the victim."
That's a point that Conservative Rabbi Mark Borovitz of the Los Angeles-based Beit T'Shuvah emphasized as well. A convicted criminal who has since repented, he has worked with those suffering from addictions for 17 years.
Borovitz said that while one can "never make it like it never happened," it is important for the perpetrator to "make the other person as whole as possible."
Borovitz, as did Breitowitz, also acknowledged that the injured party has "to be open to being satisfied."
In Judaism, someone wishing for forgiveness must make three "good-faith attempts," said Rabbi Leila Gal Berner of Kol Ami Northern Virginia Reconstructionist Community and the founding director of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College's Center for Jewish Ethics.
If after three times, the victim is "still unable to say 'I forgive,' " then the perpetrator "can let go."
But, as Rabbi Jacob Halpern of Washington's graduate program in Jewish education said, "he has to really admit" his wrongdoing, regret it and "make the real decision you're not going to do it" again.
Berner stressed the same, noting that "nonrepetition of the act" is a major criteria of doing true teshuvah.
Both J's lawyer, Peter Greenspun, and J's wife, A, say that J has lived an exemplary life during the past three decades that more than makes up for his past transgressions.
Greenspun emphasized that while J was prepared to fight the charges, the defendant accepted the plea agreement because it was in the best interests of his family and Beth El Hebrew Congregation not to go through a trial.
J's wife said she encouraged her husband to take the plea deal because she did not want to risk having him behind bars for their 11-year-old son's bar mitzvah celebration.
She did not discuss the details of the accusations against her husband, except to say that it had been "extremely exaggerated over the years," but said he had been "honest about his past" with her and told her about his "improper conduct" before they were married.
He converted to Judaism in 1990 and the couple has been married for more than a decade.
"He has atoned many, many times over," she said about her husband, adding that "he is a champion of the rights of children."
"People do change, and this individual has changed," she said.
Ted Exstein, current president of the temple's brotherhood, said he didn't know anything about J's situation until Washington Post columnist Donna Britt wrote an Oct. 7 article about (Name Removed), and noted that a local synagogue group had honored him. That article did not identify the synagogue or J by name, but a fellow congregant told him the article was referring to Beth El.
Exstein believes the Brotherhood would have "exercised a little bit more discretion" if they had known about the charges against J at the time it was voting for the award, but added that "hindsight is 20/20" and that "we can't turn back the clock."
Steve Rabin, the president of the Brotherhood when the award was voted on early this year, also said it was "hard to go back in time."
Yet with his new knowledge, he said that J "may not have been pushed for that award."
Rabin said, though, that members of the Brotherhood rarely talked about their jobs or personal lives at meetings and events.
Synagogue president John Jankowski said he didn't ask J's wife about the charges when he and his wife were asked to write a letter vouching for J's character and asserting that he would not be a flight risk if allowed out of jail on bail.
Jankowski said he still stands behind that letter "100 percent," noting that he simply asserted what he knew about J and his family from the years they had been friends.
Isserow said there were no plans to take the award away from J, but synagogue president John Jankowski said he had already begun to form a task force to improve communication at Beth El between groups like the Brotherhood and Sisterhood, and the executive board.
Even though no one at the synagogue was aware of the details of the crime, Jankowski noted that if others in the synagogue had known that J was being considered for the Brotherhood award, someone might have recommended that it "wasn't in the Brotherhood's best interest" to select him for the honor considering his legal difficulties.
It is unclear how many people at Beth El know about J's plea agreement. Jankowski said that J had sent an e-mail to about 80 members of the synagogue's leadership "after he learned a WJW article was in the works" detailing the situation. Jankowski said he was somewhat surprised that in the more than a week since that note went out, he has not heard any reaction from synagogue members to the news.
But while some believe that J is atoning for his sins, victim (Name Removed) disagrees.
She pointed out that two years ago, she wrote a letter to him about what happened and did not receive a response. Then last year, just a few days before Yom Kippur, she called J, with the police listening in.
J admitted, she said, to an "improper relationship" with her, but "tried very hard to dodge the question" and said a psychiatrist told him it happened because he was in a "bad marriage" at the time. He was arrested soon after that call.
She said that J's lying about the charges against him to others in the synagogue demonstrates that he has not truly owned up to what he did.
Furthermore, he "never truly said he was sorry" in their phone call, (Name Removed) said.
"Yes, I would forgive him," (Name Removed) said. "I do believe people deserve to be forgiven."
But, she added, "I don't think he truly understands how he damaged my life."
Letter to Rabbi Brett I. Isserow
December 1, 2005
My name is Vicki Polin. I am the Executive Director of The Awareness Center, Inc. We are the international Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse and Assault.
I am writing you today since I was made aware of the case of Jay Jarvis today. I wanted to commend you and your synogogue on the actions you have taken in monitoring Jay Jarvis when he enters your synogogue, yet It has come to my attention that your brotherhood voted Mr. Jarvis as "the man of the year". According to the articles I've read this occured a few weeks after Jarvis pled guilty to having sexual contact with a child.
Please Note: Teshuvah (forgiveness) actually invokes much more than not taking responsibility for ones actions, not apologizing and continuously lying and misleading people about the nature of the charges and plea agreement.
It is vitally important to realize that it is not uncommon for crimes of the sexual nature to go unreported for years. You can learn more about this by visiting the following three sites:
- http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/offendersarticles.html
- http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/statistics.html
- http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/offenders.html
The Awareness Center is asking that your congregation rescind the award, and monies collected from the annual meeting and dinner be donated to his survivor for the pain and suffering she endured over the years.
I also wanted to make sure you are aware that there is a web page up on our site with information regarding Mr. Jarvis. It can be viewed at:
Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC - Executive Director
The Awareness Center, Inc.
(Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault)
P.O. Box 65273, Baltimore, MD 21209
___________________________________________________________________________________
Protecting Offenders: Beth El Hebrew Congregation (Alexandria, VA)
The Awareness Center, Inc.'s Daily Newsletter - December 5, 2005
It has been brought to my attention that we have neglected to put a web page up on Rabbi Arnold Fink of Beth El Hebrew Congregation in Alexandria, VA.
It is pretty scary to think of the mind set that goes behind a group of intellegent individuals who protect alleged and convicted sex offenders, verses protecting victim/survivors of sexual violence. It seems that Beth El Hebrew Congregation in Alexandria, VA needs help in understanding the ramifications of the actions they have been taking. Things need to change, and perhaps the new leadership there will make the neccessary changes.
The two cases coming from Beth El Hebrew Congregation include:
- The Case of Jay Jarvis
- The Case of Rabbi Arnold Fink
___________________________________________________________________________________
Jay Jarvis Consulting - Employee Details
March 18, 2006
PROFESSIONAL BACKGROUND
Jay Jarvis’s professional career began with Massachusetts Maul Life Insurance Company in 1974 and fifteen years later became President of The Personnel Department, Inc., a company that worked to provide employers with employee benefits. Upon the closing of that firm, Jay Jarvis began his own consulting company, Jarvis Consulting, Ltd. in 2002, advising employers on employee benefits, as well as providing individuals with life and health insurance products.
Experienced in management and marketing of benefits and insurance administration and related products. Worked with large employers groups (100+ employees) located in St Louis, MO; Paterson, NJ; Arlington, VA; Chicago, IL; Los Angeles, CA. Worked with a national trade association with over 400 member companies and more than 3,000 employees and with Northern Virginia Group Health Alliance. The Alliance provided benefits to members of eleven chambers of commerce with over 7,000 employers and more than 200,000 employees.
FAMILY
Jay Jarvis is married Audrey Liebross in July, 1991 with many their two sons [Name Removed) Jarvis III and Name Removed] from previous marriages participating. (NAME REMOVED) was born to Audrey and Jay in 1994. Both Audrey Liebross and Jay Jarvis are active in civic and religious activities working for Tikkun Olam (repairing the world.)
Jay Jarvis was born in Washington, NC on September 20, 1944 to Elbert Jarvis, Sr. and Laura Lilley Jarvis. He graduated from Washington High School in 1962 and served our country in the US Coast Guard until 1966. Jay Jarvis started his college education at East Carolina University dropping out of college and going to work for a Washington, DC company. He returned to college and graduated from Northern Virginia Community College in 1972 and George Mason University in 1974. While at George Mason he served as the President of the Student Government.
QUALIFICATIONS:
Licensed to sell health and life insurance, and annuities. Trained for health, disability and dental insurance as well as retirement plans. Proficient with numerous software programs including Word, WordPerfect, Lotus, Excel, Quattro Pro, Paradox, Dbase, Presentation, PowerPoint, QuickBooks Pro, Quicken, ACS Technologies; Chaverware
HONORS, AWARDS, MEMBERSHIPS, ETC.:
Health Underwriters Association
National Association of Insurance and Financial Advisors
Who’s Who in America; Arlington Chamber of Commerce 1988 & 1989 Outstanding Chairperson Award and 1993 Small Business of the Year; Virginia Jaycees 1982 Outstanding Chapter President; Outstanding Young Men of America 1981; George Mason University 1978 Service Award; Boy Scouts of America 1961 Eagle Scout Award.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Facebook - Jay Jarvis
January 15, 2014
___________________________________________________________________________________
Linkedin - Jay Jarvis
January 15, 2014
___________________________________________________________________________________
FAIR USE NOTICE
Some of the information on The Awareness Center's web pages may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, etc.
We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes.
For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml . If you wish to use copyrighted material from this update for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
___________________________________________________________________________________
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." –– Margaret Mead
___________________________________________________________________________________
.jpg)
Rabbi Yisroel
Meir is perhaps best known for his campaign to teach his fellow Jews about
the 
