Mandated reporting

From the Heart

© (2010) by Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC

I'm sharing the following with you, because I know I am not the only person who has ever experienced what I'm about to share with you.  It's a topic which I doubt has really ever been discussed in detail in any public venue.

Several years ago I saw an elderly couple walking in a parking lot of a mall in my home town.  The couple looked very familiar to me, yet I was having a difficult time placing them.  As I got closer I realized who they were. . . I said, "hi mom, hi dad".  They looked at me, said hello and then wished me a good day as they went on with their day.  These were two people who I spent the first eighteen years of my life with.  Though they are biologically my parents, they are virtually strangers to me.  

Today is my father's 78th birthday. It's such an odd thing to say that I haven't known my father since he was 47. He's been out of my life for over 30 years.

I know that I am not the only adult survivors of child abuse (emotional, physical and sexual abuse) that is confronted with not knowing what to do, nor how to feel when birthdays, mother's day, father's day and or other holidays or anniversaries come around.   For me, these types of days often leaves a void of emotions and feelings. 

I know that several other adult survivors of child abuse may also need to separate from their families to heal, yet often keep it a secret for fear of being shamed or looked at as being different. I felt that it was important to share my experience in hopes of helping others realize that they are not alone, and to know that they do not need to keep their silence any longer.  

I also felt the need to acknowledge my father's special day some how.  I guess this note is my way of saying "Happy Birthday Dad".

Understanding and Protecting Your Children From Child Molesters and Predators

Understanding and Protecting Your Children From Child Molesters and Predators
By Cory Jewell Jensen, M.S. and Steve Jensen, M.A. 
(Reprinted by permission)


The FBI estimates that there is a sex offender living in every square mile of the United States. One in ten men has molested children. Most child molesters are able to molest dozens of children before they are caught and have a three percent (3%) chance of being apprehended for their crimes. Boys and girls are at nearly equal risk to be abused and almost a quarter will be molested sometime before their 18th birthday. Fewer than five percent (5%) will tell anyone. The overwhelming majority of child victims are abused by someone they know and trust, someone most parents would never suspect. No one can protect your children but you. Educate yourself and your family about child sexual abuse. Donít let a child molester do it for you! 


Dear Parents, Caretakers and Community Members, 
During the past several years, many of us have begun to realize how many child molesters are living in our communities and how incredibly skillful they are when it comes to molesting children and getting away with it. Facing this information has forced many of us to take a hard look at our current child abuse prevention programs. The majority of programs try to teach children to protect themselves and to tell an adult if someone abuses them. Unfortunately, these programs have not been successful in reducing child sexual abuse and most children still donít tell anyone when they are being abused. One study suggested that the average child victim must tell nine different people about their abuse before someone actually calls the police. Clearly, children are no match for child molesters and parents should never assume that children can protect themselves or be able to report abuse when it happens. Parents and other adults need to acquire the education and skills necessary to protect children and create opportunities for them to report abusive experiences. As parents, adults and community members, we all need to put more effort into learning about child molesters and child abuse instead of placing all of the responsibility for safety on our children. 

This packet provides information about child molesters and some of the things you, your family and community can do to help keep children safe. We encourage you and your own community of family and friends to get involved in prevention efforts by learning everything you can about molesters and taking a pro-active stance against child sexual abuse. As you become better educated about this problem, you may want to contact your local school, church, neighborhood association or community organization about sponsoring a workshop in your community. Most law enforcement and child advocacy programs have a lot of information they are anxious to share. We recommend that you call your local agencies to find out what they offer and when they can provide a presentation for your group. Although it takes a lot of hard work and education to protect children from predators, our children will be safer if we all work together. 

This packet includes only a summary of what is known about child molesters and prevention techniques. For more detailed information, read the books that are listed at the end of this packet. Weíve included the three best books on child molesters and predators and our favorite prevention book for children. 

 

This packet addresses:

• The Different Types of Sex Offenders.
  
• Why and How People Molest Children.
  
• Defining Child Sexual Abuse.
  
• How to Protect Your Children:
  • Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse.
  • What to do if Your Child Gets Abused.
  • Safety Tips for Supervision
  • Sexual Development and Behavior Between Children • Factors that Place Children at High Risk for Abuse
  • Offender Traits
  
• Resources and Bibliography 
  
  Child Molesters, Pedophiles, Predators, Incest Offenders and Sex Offenders
  While the above terms are used interchangeably, the terms "sex offender" and ìchild molesterî are more of a legal and social definition than a clinical one. The term "incest" is used when the offender has molested someone they are related to. ìPedophileî refers to a diagnostic category of child molesters and "Predator" has more to do with the manner in which offenders gain access to children. However, these groups can overlap. For example some ìincestî offenders also molest children outside of their family and some even become predatory. Not all child molesters are pedophiles and not all pedophiles molest children. Offenders are also categorized by how dangerous they are and how likely they are to re-offend. Most of us have many misconceptions about these groups of offenders. The below information may help dispel some of those myths. 
  
  INCEST OFFENDERS - Sexually abuse their own children but can also abuse other relatives and neighbors. They can be sexually attracted to children or offend because they are seeking ìintimateî contact with another person regardless of relationship, age or vulnerability. Some don't understand and others don't care that they are hurting the child.
  

• Most have multiple victims both inside and outside of their immediate family.
  
• Some abuse both boys and girls in various age groups.
  
• Most appear normal and demonstrate no noticeable pathology.
  
• Few have criminal records.
  
• Most report that they were repeatedly able to talk family
  and friends out of reporting them and continued to offend.
  
• Many are likely to re-offend without ìtreatment."
  

 

PEDOPHILES - Are adults who are sexually attracted to children and have a primary or strong interest in children. They offend children because they desire sexual contact with children.

• Most hold responsible jobs and frequently align themselves with reputable organizations, sports leagues and churches.
  
• They may work or volunteer with children.
  
• They are likely to be single or live with their parents or have a dysfunctional marriage.
  
• Some appear socially inhibited while others can be extremely charming.
  
• Many target pre-pubescent boys.
  
• Most do not have a criminal record.
  
• Most have molested many children before they are effectively reported to law enforcement.
  
• The majority are highly likely to re-offend. 
  
  
  SEXUALLY VIOLENT OFFENDERS - Includes the group of offenders who kidnap, rape and even murder some children. This group constitutes the smallest, but most dangerous group of child molesters.
  

• They frequently assault their victims physically.
  
• In addition to abusing children, many have committed adult rapes, assaulted spouses, engaged in burglaries, been chronic drug users, are frequently unemployed and have led a parasitic lifestyle.
  
• Criminal record checks usually reveal a lengthy record of versatile criminality, incarcerations, probation violations and failed attempts at treatment.
  
• They have high re-offense rates for both sexual and generic criminal behavior.
  
  
  METHODS OFFENDERS USE TO GAIN ACCESS TO CHILDREN.
  As noted above, offenders can be categorized by the way in which they gain access to victims. The majority of molesters abuse children they are related to or have regular access to by virtue of their position as a parent, step-parent, motherís boyfriend, uncle, grandfather, neighbor, babysitter and so on. They frequently molest children both in and outside of the home and can abuse girls as well as boys. Because of family ties, close friendships and long-term relationships, people sometimes have a hard time believing these people are guilty and fail to report them to the police. It is always hard to turn a loved one in but it is something even the offender needs to have happen.
  

Another common group of offenders includes the molesters who work or volunteer in settings where they can purposefully obtain regular access to children. This group includes coaches, teachers, Boy Scout leaders, ministers/priests, school bus drivers, day care providers and other people whose professions or ìcommunity serviceî puts them in contact with children. Like the first group, these people molest boys and girls and usually offend many children before they get caught. Their profession or the appearance of ìaltruismî makes it harder for people to believe they are capable of these crimes. They can be some of the slickest and most charming people we know and, because of this, people fail to believe they are guilty and, again fail to report them to police. When people finally discover that they have molested dozens of children, they are shocked. There are also adult offenders who may not fit in the above groups but still abuse children. This group includes exhibitionists who expose to children, ìcomputer travelersî who contact and solicit children over the Internet and child pornographers. Some of these people exploit and abuse children in a variety of ways. They are our neighbors, friends and relatives. Some are ìloners,î while others look just like the above groups. Females account for ten
to twenty percent (10-20%) of child molesters. 


Why Do Adults Molest Children?
Most child molesters abuse children for a number of reasons. The two most common reasons are: a) a sexual interest/preference for children and b), a belief system that encourages, allows and supports sexual contact with children. In other words, child molesters are sexually aroused to children and do not understand or care that sexual contact between adults and children is harmful to the child. Some molesters mistakenly believe that they are showing love and affection to the child. Nonetheless, the vast majority know that what they are doing is wrong and illegal and do their best to keep their offenses a secret. Secrecy enables them to continue abusing children and to avoid rejection, prosecution and incarceration. 

Many offenders become expert liars, even to the point of convincing well-meaning adults that the child was ìmistaken î or ìconfusedî about what happened. Even worse, some molesters convince other adults that the child made it up or lied. When the number of separate sexual crimes committed by the average child molester is compared to the low rate of reporting among child victims, the only conclusion that can be drawn is that children rarely mis-perceive, make up or lie about being sexually abused. If a child says he or she has been molested, the probability is high that it really happened and was probably more frequent and invasive than the child reported. Also, the odds are high that we all know at least one or two child molesters and donít even know it. 


Why do Molesters Abuse Certain Children?
Molesters abuse children they are sexually and emotionally attracted to, children they feel are vulnerable and needy, and children they feel that they can control and manipulate into keeping the abuse a secret.

How Do Molesters Keep Children From Telling?
Most child molesters are in a position of trust and are usually able to molest children in a manner that undermines the childís ability to accurately perceive the behavior as abusive or report them. Most molesters are also able to convince other adults that ìit never happenedî or that ìthe child misunderstood.î When they are successful, they obstruct children and adults from reporting them to law enforcement and are able to continue molesting children even longer. So, itís very important to understand how they manipulate both children and adults. 

After the offender has selected a child to molest, the offender begins to develop a close relationship with the child and his/her family. If the offender is a parent or someone the child depends on, itís very easy to manipulate the situation and repeatedly molest the child without getting caught. If the offender is in a position of trust or authority, (as is the case with teachers, coaches and priests who molest) the offender may pay special attention to the child, take them places, buy them gifts or give them extra support and encouragement. They also might threaten the child to keep them quiet. 

After the offender starts to develop the relationships, he/she may begin to isolate the child from his/her family and friends. This may include fueling conflicts within the family, alienating the child from friends or family or simply being available to ìhelp outî with babysitting, special outings, rides home, etc. Molesters also test and desensitize children by telling dirty jokes, talking about sexual things and engaging in non-sexual physical contact like back-rubs, wrestling, hugging and horseplay. This behavior generally starts long before the sexual touching starts and serves to normalize contact and trust. The increased physical relationship and intimate talk between the child and offender makes it easier for the offender to introduce sexual behavior into the relationship. If the childís parent has been present when some of the close physical contact or joking has occurred, it also makes the child think it must be ok. 

Another thing that interferes with children's ability to tell is that many children donít even know that the contact has changed and is becoming increasingly intimate and sexual. Some offenders try to make it feel good to the child because they know if they hurt or scare the child, they are more likely to tell. Also, children become fearful that they will get into trouble for not telling sooner and become increasing guilt ridden about what is happening. Offenders know these things and caution children that ìthey will get in trouble tooî if they tell. Some offenders are so good at developing dependent relationships that their victims feel obligated and may even feel protective of the offender. This phenomenon is especially pronounced when the offender is a parent, relative, admired family friend, teacher, coach or priest. Some offenders choose careers or volunteer with youth organizations because they ìlikeî children and these settings provide increased access and control over children. It is extremely important to remember that offenders spend time and energy manipulating children into ìcooperatingî with the abuse and keeping it a secret. Some of them spend hours and hours thinking about what they will say if a child ever tells on them. Because they have been engaged in a covert behavior, sometimes for many years at a time, they have usually become very skilled at lying and manipulating people and situations.

 

Do Offenders Manipulate Adults Too?
Many molesters work just as hard to seduce and manipulate adults as they do to trick children. Some tell people they think ìchild molesters should be shotî while others work very hard to present themselves as a concerned citizen and ìpillar of the community.î Some of their ìgood worksî are performed out of guilt, while others are intended to throw off suspicion if a child ever tells on them. 

Most molesters spend time thinking of ways to talk people out of reporting them to law enforcement and are able to come up with very creative excuses or rationalizations about what happened. In addition to telling people "it was an accident" or that the child must have ìmisinterpretedî the situation, some make sure that people know the child has lied about things in the past, been "in trouble" or sexually promiscuous. Most professional forensic experts can "it tell when people are lying, so regular people shouldn't" expect to do any better. The best thing all of us can do if a child says they have been abused is to call the police and report the situation. The worse thing we can do is to accept the explanation of an adult. If the adult is lying and talks you out of reporting, he/she will probably go on to molest more children. Different offenders use different tactics. This paper only covers some of those tactics. For more detailed information about how child molesters operate, read the books listed in the bibliography. 


Defining Child Sexual Abuse:
The potential for abuse exists when power and control are not equal in a relationship. Sexual abuse includes any sexual behavior or activity that is abusive toward another person or prohibited by state or federal law. Fondling, oral sex, simulated or actual intercourse, exhibitionism, taking sexually explicit pictures of children, showing sexually explicit material to children or having sex in front of a child are all considered child sexual abuse. According to Dr. Carla van Dam, child sexual abuse occurs when a) ìthere is a violation of a trust relationship with unequal power and/or advanced knowledge and,
b) the need for secrecy and, c) sexual activity.î 

The following pages provide information specifically for you and your family to talk about and watch out for. Again, we strongly recommend that you read the books listed at the back of this packet in order to fully understand how child molesters operate. 

 

Protecting Your Children From Sexual Abuse
"No one wants to have to tell their children about sexual abuse. On the other hand, do you want your child to learn about it from a molester?"

 
TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE

• Talk openly with your children about sexual development, behavior and abuse. 
  
  
• Use proper or semi proper names for body parts (penis and vagina), and phrases like; private parts are ìprivate and special". 
  
  
• Tell your children that, if anyone touches or tries to see their private parts, tries to get them to touch or look at another personís private parts, shows them pictures of or tries to take pictures of their private parts, talks to them about sex, walks in on them in the bathroom or does anything that makes them feel uncomfortable to tell you or a ìsupport personî as soon as they can or the next time they see you. 
  
  
• Tell your children that some children and adults have "touching problems". These people can make ìsecret touchingî look accidental and they should still tell you even if they think it might have been an accident. 
  
  
• Tell your children that touching problems are kind of like stealing or lying and that the people who have those kinds of problems need special help so they donít continue to have problems or get into trouble. Donít describe it as a ìsickness.
  
  
• Tell your children that some people try to trick kids into keeping the touching a secret. Tell your children, "We donít want those kinds of secrets in our family."
  
  
• Give your children examples of things that someone might use to try to get them to keep it a secret; candy, money, special privileges, threats, subtle fear of loss, separation or punishment etc. 
  
  
• Tell your children that touching other peopleís private parts is not ok for children to do or for adults to do with children. Tell them that you do not want them to do ìsecret touchingî with other people but that you will not be mad at them if they do come and tell you it has happened. Even if it has been happening a lot. 
  
  
• Talk to your children about safety issues at least two or three times a year. Develop a family plan for answering the phone, fire safety, getting lost and ìsecret touchingî. Play ìwhat ifî games with them on a regular basis (monthly). 
  
  
• Make sure they have support people they can talk to at home, at school, in their extended family, neighborhood or church. Have them pick out three people and tell you who they are. Put the phone numbers next to your phone and let them know that, if for any reason, they cannot talk to you - that they should call/or go see another support person.
  

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD GETS ABUSED

• If your child tells you that he or she has been touched inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid and they might have a harder time talking about what happened. 
  
  
• Tell your child you are glad they told you about it. Telling was a good way to take care of themselves and also, the person who touched them. That person needs help with their ìtouching problemî. Tell your child that you will take care of things. Tell your child that you will need to talk to someone to figure out what to do next. Be careful to not make promises you canít keep. 
  
  
• Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child canít see or hear what you say. 
  
  
• In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information/discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution. 
  
  
• Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse ASAP may mean that other children might get abused too. Donít try to handle the situation yourself. 
  
  
• The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they disclose. 
  
  
• Donít allow any further contact between your child and the alleged offender. Donít confront the offender yourself. 
  
  
  
  SAFETY TIPS FOR SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN
  

• Trust your instincts. ìPerception and not worry is what serves safety. (de Becker, 1999) 
  
  
• Don't let young male children go into a menís public restroom by themselves. 
  
  
• Be cautious about who you allow to baby-sit or spend time alone with your children. Get references. Try to bathe and dress your own children. Routinely quiz your children about what happens while you are gone. Ask questions like ìWhat did you do that was fun?î or ìWas there anything that happened while I was gone that worried you or that I should know about? Don't always tell your children to mind the babysitter. Avoid having young male babysitters. 
  
  
• Get to know the people and homes where your children play. 
  
  
• Periodically check on your children, especially when they are playing with other kids in your home. If you know that one of your children's friends has been sexually abused, be more attentive to their playtime. 
  
  
• Donít let your children walk or ride their bike to school or to a friend's home alone. Children should travel in groups or with an adult.
  

• Know your neighbors. Develop a Neighborhood Watch or Block House program. 
  
  
• Supervise all Internet activities closely. Consider subscribing to an ISP that screens for obscenity and pornography. Make a ìfamily agreement about conversations before allowing your children to go into ìchat rooms.î Children should never give out their phone number, address or school name to anyone they meet over the Internet. Periodically, ask your children to see the kinds of "chat room" conversations that take place. Warn them about ìwhat lurks on the Internet.
  
  
• Develop the kind of relationship that would allow your child to come to you for help or support for any kind of problem they might need help with, for themselves or a friend. 
  
  
  SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT AND BEHAVIOR BETWEEN CHILDREN
  
  • Many forms of sexual play or experimentation are normal and developmentally appropriate. However, when one child is three or more years older, significantly larger, more powerful (physically or emotionally), more sexually sophisticated or uses bribes, threats or intimidation to be sexual with another child, sexual contact falls under a legal definition of abuse. If oral sex, simulated or actual intercourse, French kissing or penetration are involved, the situation warrants immediate investigation. Parents should not attempt to resolve these issues alone and should seek outside, professional guidance. 
    
    
  • If your child engages in any type of sexually inappropriate behavior, get professional help right away. Try not to become overly defensive of your child or reject the notion that your child could have done something sexually inappropriate. If your child does have a problem that goes untreated, it may become worse and create many more problems for your child, family, school and community. This includes date rape or sexual assault between preteens and teenagers. Boys who sexually assault girls frequently grow up to molest their own children or engage in domestic violence. 
    
    
  • If another child engages your child in sexually inappropriate behavior or talk, tell their parents what happened so that they can get help before itís too late. If you do not think that the family is seeking professional help, contact your local child abuse hotline. 
    
    
  • Buy or borrow books like ìWhere Did I Come From, "It's My Body" and "What's Happening to My Body" or "A Very Touching Book" for your family to read together. Do it before your children become embarrassed about sexuality or they start developing. Talk to your children about appropriate sexuality. Emphasize consent, birth control and STDs. 
    
    
  • Demonstrate loving, respectful intimate relationships in your home. Children should not observe direct sexual contact or any type of pornography.
    

 

FACTORS THAT PLACE CHILDREN AT A HIGHER RISK FOR ABUSE

• Age, friendliness, shyness, good manners, naivety, curiosity, or isolation.
  
• Living in a single parent home.
  
• Drug or alcohol abuse by parents.
  
• Parental illness or emotional unavailability.
  
• Severe marital conflict or domestic violence in the home.
  
• Living in a home with a stepfather or a motherís boyfriend.
  
• Previous abuse.
  
• Having an unemployed father or parents that work different shifts.
  
• Parents who are sexually preoccupied, use pornography or have pornography in the home.
  
• Inadequate parental supervision of children.
  
  OFFENDER TRAITS
  
  • Adults who seem preoccupied with children.
    
  • Single adults who work or volunteer with childrenís clubs/activities.
    
  • Adults who work with children and also frequently spend their free time doing ìspecialî things with kids.
    
  • Adults who spend time volunteering with youth groups who do not have children in those groups.
    
  • Adults who seem to engage in frequent contact with children, i.e., casual touching, caressing, wrestling, tickling, combing hair or having children sit on their lap.
    
  • Adults who act like children with children or who allow children to do questionable or inappropriate things.
    
  • Adults who want to take your children on special outings too frequently or plan activities that would include being alone with your child.
    
  • Adults who do not have children and seem to know too much about the current fads or music popular with children.
    
  • Adults that your children seem to like for reasons you donít understand.
    
  • Adults who seem able to infiltrate family/social functions or are ìalways availableî to watch your kids.
    Please note, not all offenders will demonstrate the above characteristics.
    Cory Jewell Jensen, M.S.
    Steve Jensen, M.A.
    Center for Behavioral Intervention 4345 109th
    Beaverton, Oregon 97005
    

The Best Books About Child Molesters, Predators and Prevention.

1. Identifying Child Molesters: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse by Recognizing the Patterns of the Offenders Written by Carla van Dam, Ph.D.
   Available through Haworth Press, Inc. 1-800-895-429-6784 ($24.95)
   The first book of its kind, this book provides readers with a detailed understanding of the history and impact of child sexual abuse. Dr. van Dam provides a glimpse into our failure to confront child abuse in an effective manner and does an excellent job of helping lay people understand the ìgroomingî tactics that offenders use on children and adults. It offers practical strategies to identify and confront child molesters. One of my top picks! Iíve personally ordered 40 copies to give to family and friends. 
   
   
2. A Very Touching Book. For Little People and Big People. Written by Jan Hindman. Available through Alexandria and Associates. www.janhindman.com
   ($11.95)
   
   Most parents havenít got the foggiest idea about how to start talking to their children about private parts or sexual abuse. For those of us who get ìpurple facesî when our kids say ìpenisî in the grocery store, this book is the ticket. Great artwork and an entertaining approach to prevention education for children. If I had my way, this book would be on the bookshelf or coffee table of every home in America. Most appropriate for families with children ages 4-10. Takes the pain out of prevention talks at home!!! 
   
   
3. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us. Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Available through The Guilford Press, www.guildford.com ($16.95) 
   
   This book focuses on predators, psychopaths and criminals. Although fairly clinical and a bit academic, it is the first, and most straightforward book about this highly dangerous population. Disturbing yet relevant to all of us. Fascinating and well written. Even my elderly mother loved it! 
   
   
4. The last of my favorite books is due out some time early next year. It's called
   Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists and Other Sex Offenders Who They Are, How They Operate and How We Can Protect Our Children. Itís by Anna Salter and can be obtained through Basic Books at www.basicbooks.com in 2003. ($26) 
   
   Every parent, volunteer coordinator, human resources director and church and community member should read this book! The book explains how predators trick and manipulate normal people and why we arenít able to spot them. Dr. Salter offers tips on prevention for parents, lay people and organizations that focus on delivering services to children and the public. This book will help all of us do a better job of protecting our children and communities.
   

 __________________________________________________________________________________

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"Parenting The Young Sexually Abused Child"

"Parenting The Young Sexually Abused Child"

May 31, 2003

The following is a description of the progressive stages of grief observed in most parents who are dealing with the sexual abuse of their child. The progressive stages of grief apply to non-offending parental reactions and to parental reactions of extra-familial sexual abuse

1) Denial - It is a normal reaction for any parent to have some amount of denial when first hearing the highly emotional news that their young child was sexually abused. Over time as more facts unfold and conversations occur about the sexual abuse, denial usually gives way to the next stage of grief.

2) Anger - Once parental acceptance of at least some of the facts surrounding the sexual abuse has begun, anger will follow. This anger could be directed towards the perpetrator, child or parental self. This anger includes a realization of the "losses" that the parent will face as a secondary victim of their child's sexual abuse. Non-offending parents appear to suffer more losses. For example, if the perpetrator is a stepparent or live-in partner, he/she would likely be asked to leave the home and as a result the non-offending parent faces loss of companionship and finances.

3) Bargaining - Parents move from anger to a bargaining stage as greater acceptance of the sexual abuse occurs. Parents now accept the fact that the sexual abuse occurred but begin to struggle with the level of impact the sexual abuse had on the child and family and the need for recovery. Bargaining occurs when parents look and hope for a fast and less painful recovery. In doing so they may try to minimize the impact of the sexual abuse and unintentionally give messages that it will just go away.

4) Depression or Sadness - A normal response to serious changes suddenly forced upon one's life is sadness and depression. As parents move through this stage they come to realize the extent of changes and degree of impact on the child and family resulting from the sexual abuse. Parents in this stage acknowledge that recovery could be a long term process and that the sexual abuse is not going to go away. Non-offending parents appear to experience the effects of this stage to a greater degree than parents of extra-familial sexual abuse.

5) Acceptance - Parents who enter this stage are accepting of the facts and the impact of the sexual abuse. Recovery and healing processes are no longer feared by the parent(s). Parents in this final stage realize and acknowledge that their child and family can survive the losses, changes and recovery process.  
  
  
HELPFUL and HARMFUL REACTIONS TO DISCLOSURE OF SEXUAL ABUSE  
At the time of your child's disclosure your reaction will play a very large part in how your child and family cope and heal from the sexual abuse.   

The most important helpful reaction is to believe and acknowledge your child's experience.  Your child will learn from you as a parent and from other significant adults about the meaning of the sexual abuse experience.   

For a young child the most harmful reaction that a parent(s) can give is verbal disbelief and punishment for the disclosure.  Verbally expressed disbelief teaches a child that their internal sense of right and wrong cannot to be trusted.  When punishment occurs children learn the consequence for disclosure is a negative reaction.   

In general, sexually abused children recant disclosures and information when they feel that what they have said is not accepted or heard by significant adults.  In particular, with incest cases, disbelief expressed by the non-offending parent can feel like pressure to a child to recant their disclosure.   
Children may also recant disclosures for the following reasons:their perpetrator denies the disclosure;  they are repeatedly questioned by child welfare authorities such as law enforcement, child protection workers,doctors and others in our legal system;  and finally, when disbelief is expressed by other significant adults, such as teachers or family members, such as siblings.   

As a parent(s) you may find it necessary to reduce further stress by limiting your child's contact with others who are not supportive or believing of the sexual abuse.   

Once you tell your child that you believe them, it will be important to show them by giving support and reassurance.  Being able to give your child support helps validate their perception of the sexual abuse situation.  Two ways of verbally providing reassurance are to tell your child that you are sorry about what happened and to make a statement that it was not okay for the perpetrator to touch them in the way they did.  Some children will benefit from reassurances that they will be protected from the perpetrator. A word of CAUTION: if you cannot protect your child from future contacts with the perpetrator, such as often occurs in disputed incest and custody cases, do not give false reassurances.  Failure to keep promises of protection will contribute to your child's feelings of helplessness.  Another way ofproviding reassurance is to be available to talk when it appears as though your child may need it the most, for example, prior to stressful transitions such as change in day care or at bedtime. 

Talking with your child in a matter of fact, calm voice helps your child feel that you are in control and that you can help them survive their experience. Reactions of shock, such as, "you'll never be the same," reinforces feelings of difference and damage.  Highly emotional reactions such as revenge and extreme anger can increase your child's fear and worry.  Young children tend to feel responsible for parental reactions and feelings.  It is harmful toshow your child that you are in a great deal of distress from their disclosure. Your child needs to know that you can survive the sexual abuse experience with him/her.   

Children who feel responsible for causing the sexual abuse will suffer a more negative impact from the experience.  As a parent you can lessen your child's burden of disclosure and feelings of responsibility for causing the sexual abuse.  You can tell your child that it was not his/her fault and that it took a lot of courage to tell.   

Parental reactions such as, "how could this happen", questions such as, "why didn't you tell me sooner" or "why didn't you tell me", can unintentionally intensify feelings of blame.   

When parents indirectly or directly blame their child for causing the abuse, they are in effect excusing the perpetrator.  Perpetrators are solely responsible for the sexual abuse of a child.   

Parents can have the tendency to want to lessen their child's hurtful/painful feelings by minimizing the seriousness of the situation or event.  Sexually abused children need to have acceptance of their feelings whatever they are.  Empathy with your child's feelings shows acceptance and validates that you are listening.   

It will be important that you resist the urge to treat your child differently.  Should you begin to do so he/she may further believe that they are somehow damaged and different because of the sexual abuse. Parental reactions of guilt, such as, "I should have known", can lead to overprotection.  Over protection can send the message that your child will not recover from his/her experience.  Keeping daily routines and reducing changes can be comforting for your child.   

When a disclosure is made a report to law enforcement or child protection usually follows.  It is helpful to reassure your child about the involvement of these professionals in your life.  For example statements such as, "other adults will help us" or "we need to find other adults to help us" or acknowledging that you don't have an answer but stating, "I will find someone who will answer that question", can be reassuring to a child.   
  
  
FALSE ALLEGATIONS  
There has been a great deal of research into the possible numbers and nature of false allegations made by children.  Most professionals agree that false reports are rare.  The majority of false allegations are made by adults, not children.  Taking this into account, of all sexual abuse allegations, fewer than 2% are considered false when made by preschool and kindergarten aged children.  For ages 6-12, 4.3% of all allegations made by children are considered false.   

A false allegation does not mean that a young child actually lied about whether the sexual abuse occurred.  More often with young childrena false allegation occurs from lack of understanding, misinterpretation and possible confusion of information.  Generally preschoolers are very difficult to coach or "program" into giving intentionally false disclosures.   

More recently, concerns have been expressed about a much higher rate of false sexual abuse allegations due to coaching or "programming" by vengeful parents in divorce and child custody cases.  Thus far this concern has not been documented by valid information or research.   
  
 
  
HELPING THE YOUNG CHILD VICTIM COPE FOLLOWING DISCLOSURE  
Behavioral changes as a result of your child's sexual abuse experience are to be expected.  These changes are normal responses to a highly stressful experience, even though that experience has stopped because of disclosure. Children have limited verbal skills in expressing their stress; therefore most children will express their distress through their behavior.   

Professionals refer to behavioral difficulties or symptoms exhibited by your child immediately after disclosure as the "immediate or short term effects" of sexual abuse.  Children also suffer "long term effects "from sexual abuse.  The majority of professionals define long term effects as behavioral difficulties and symptoms experienced by a child victim upto two years after disclosure.    
  
Children are affected by their sexual abuse experience in different ways and at differing degrees of severity.  The following are some of the factors that will influence the degree of severity of the sexual abuse on your child:   

1)  Support and belief by parents and significant other adults is the most significant factor that can reduce the negative impact of sexual abuse.  When a parent/child relationship is relatively healthy and positive, the negative impact is reduced for the child victim.   

2)  A child's own internal coping resources will impact the effects of the sexual abuse.  For example, if a child is stress resilient and has not had any other serious life stressors there could be a reduced negative impact.  When children have already experienced life stressors, such as physical abuse and domestic violence, their self esteem and resiliency is already lowered and they face even greater difficulties from an additional stress of sexual victimization.   

3)  The child's age and developmental level influences the impact of sexual abuse.  Generally professionals believe that the younger the child's chronological age or the younger the developmental stage of the child the more serious the negative effects.  Also girl victims appear to process the effects of their sexual abuse differently from boy victims. For example, boys are more apt to act out their anger about the abuse, where girls are prone to hold their anger inside and direct it at themselves.  

4)  Children who have a trusting, parental type relationship with their perpetrator appear to feel the effects of sexual abuse more seriously than children who were sexually abused by a baby-sitter or non-family member. Related to this relationship factor is denial by the child's perpetrator. For example, if a child has a close trusting relationship with their perpetrator who denies the sexual abuse, that child will suffer a more negative impact than when the perpetrator acknowledges and takes responsibility for the sexual abuse.   

5)  When physical abuse, threats or intimidation accompany the sexual abuse, children appear to be more seriously affected.       
  
  
  
SEEKING OUT SPECIAL HELP FOR YOUR CHILD AND FAMILY  
Child victims can exhibit a range of behaviors, including suffering from nightmares, fears, regression in self care skills, sexual acting out andrepeating or "replaying" the actual sexual abuse incidents with dolls or peers.  There is no way to predict which behaviors your child will exhibit.
  
Children will attempt to process or understand their sexual abuse experience on their own.  Therefore, children show various degrees of severity from the effects of sexual abuse.  For example, a child fondled by a non-family member could show serious effects of his/her experience,where as a child involved in an incest experience may show minimal effects. To complicate matters more, children can function well in their day care/schoolsetting but not function well at home and vise-versa.  As a parent it is your difficult job to judge the seriousness of your child's symptoms and whether your child could be in need of professional counseling.   

How to judge the seriousness of your child's behaviors will probably feel confusing.  The following are some thoughts and ideas to consider:   

1)  How long has your child been experiencing the behavior(s)?  For example, has the behavior been occurring for a couple days or persisted for weeks?   

2)  How intense or frequent is the behavior(s)?  For example, is your child having nightmares every night or once a week?   

3)  Is your child having behavioral difficulties at home, school or day care or in all of these settings? 
        
4)  Is the behavior(s) interfering with your child's ability to function or get through everyday routines?  

5)  Is the behavior(s) disturbing or upsetting the everyday routine of your family?  

6)  Could your child's behavior(s) be a result of a new "stage"of development experienced by most children his/her age and not specifically related to the sexual abuse?  

7)  Is your child accepting of help from you to change the problematic behavior?     

Your child is probably in need of professional counseling and guidance if: behaviors persist over time, are disruptive to either his/her routinesor their family's routines, causes difficulty in either the school or daycare setting and he/she resists help from you.   

We've discussed ways to tell when your child may need special help but how will you know if you may need special help to cope with your child's sexual abuse?  Some things to consider are: if you feel overwhelmed or unable to help your child; when your own childhood issues of sexual abuse resurface because of your child's sexual abuse; and finally when the focus of your child's sexual abuse disrupts your everyday routines and your own emotional needs are not being met.   

Professional helping services will probably focus on resolving your child's problematic behaviors but also reducing the negative effects from the sexual abuse that contributed to the behaviors.  You are encouraged to involve yourself in these services to learn how to help your child with their difficult behaviors.   
  
  
  
SPECIFIC PARENTING ISSUES  
The next part of this manual will provide some ideas and strategies to help your child manage their problem behaviors.  Helping your child means helping him/her identify and use activities that can make him/her feel better and reduce their anxiety.  Some activities could include: finding someone to talk to, picture drawing, relaxation exercises, play activities with a special purpose or something as common as using a night light.   

Some of the ideas and strategies will be more successful with some children than with others.  It will be up to you as your child's parent to determine which ideas are better suited to your child's personality and specific situation.   

FEARS  
Fears can be considered common in children between the ages of 2-6 years.  More common fears include: fear of dogs or animals; fear of the dark; fear of thunder/storms; fear of ghosts; and fear of insects.  Children learn to be afraid and parents often model fears for their children.      

In the case of sexually abused children, key factors associated with fear are: fear of recurrence of the sexual abuse even after disclosure; fear of follow through on threats made by the child's perpetrator; fear of retaliation by the perpetrator; fear of negative parental reaction and a generalized fear towards persons who have physical features that resemble the perpetrator, for example: adult males who wear glasses and have a mustache like the child's perpetrator. 
 
Often because of their age preschool children are unable to verbalize their fears including identifying why they are afraid.  Unverbalized fears can take the form of anger, somatic complaints such as tummy aches and nightmares.   

Parents can help their children most by helping him/her to identify and overcome unreasonable fears.  Having a nonjudgmental and supportive attitude is crucial.  For example, ask, "What can I do to help you feel safe?" OR you can provide suggestions such as, "I wonder if having a night light on in your room would help you feel safe?"  OR validate your child's fear, such as, "It looks like this is going to be scary for you to do today, that's okay, I will help you get through it".
  
Some children will use their own resources and create routines and rituals to help feel safer.  An example of a ritual is: checking the windows, closet and doors every night before bedtime.  Other examples include: keeping a small light on in their room at bedtime, putting a flashlight under their pillow, or insisting that the bedroom door stay open/closed.   

Parents can also help their children by providing explanations and reassurance.  For example, when helping your child deal with fear of noises, provide a reasonable explanation about what could have caused the noise, such as the wind, the cat under the bed, etc.  Providing reassurance,such as, "I will check on you while you sleep"  OR  "I will leave my door open so that if you need me you can yell and I'll hear you".  Suggesting to your child that re-arranging their room might get rid of scary shadows could be reassuring as well as offering an explanation.  Another way of being reassuring is to explain: "Your fear will get smaller and smaller"  OR  "We will work together to get over your fears"  OR  "I will help you feel safe from your fears".   

With young children who are unable to verbalize fear, it is helpful to use feeling words similar to the following: "I wonder, when you check the closet, doors and windows if you are afraid"  OR  "Being scared makes your tummy hurt."  Reflecting your child's feelings helps him/her to learn to identify their feelings while giving them permission to say what they might be feeling.  

Modeling calmness and providing a message of optimism that your child can survive their fears is also very important.  You could state,"I know you can get through this"  OR  "I know how brave you can be"  OR "I remember, you were brave when ______ and I know you can be brave again like that now".   
Some children are able to verbalize fear of their perpetrator. It could be reassuring to establish a plan of safety with your child.  For example, when a perpetrator is not in jail and the child has expressed a fear of retaliation, a safety plan could include a calm, matter of fact review of adults in your child's life whom are possible protectors.  Other kinds of safety plans could include a discussion about what-if situations and ideas about ways they could help keep themselves safe.   

A more specific strategy useful in reducing anxiety around fear is to teach your child to "self-talk".  This is where you teach him/her to talk to him/herself to get through a potential scary situation.  For example: your child tells self, "I can do this."   OR   "I'm brave".
  
Another specific strategy is to read books about other children who have fears.  This can help to normalize and lessen feelings of being different.   

Play can be another means of "mastering" or overcoming fear. Children will use play to act out how to deal with their fear and to help to relieve/reduce their fear.  Parents can interact with their child through play offering suggestions and practicing how to deal with specific fearfulsituations.  For example: using a doll to coach another doll to be brave before going to the doctor or helping a doll to talk about his/her fears.   

Relaxation can also help a child reduce their level of distress from fear.  For example, a soothing back rub just before nap time,  listening to calming music as part of a ritual or routine and teaching relaxation exercises such as deep breathing can be helpful to your child.           
  
  
  
NIGHTMARES  
Sleep problems including nightmares are common in children ages 1-6. The two different kinds of sleep problems we will discuss are night terrors and nightmares.  

Night terrors occur suddenly in a sleeping child, usually early in their sleep.  The child will thrash about wildly, while screaming and appearing to be intensely frightened.  The child may appear to be awake but is not.  They will also appear to be confused and will be unable to communicate.   

Children having night terrors will not be aware of their parents presence and will not remember the night terror event.  If your child suffers night terrors it is usually best not to try to wake him/her.  Most children will gradually relax and can then be encouraged to lay down and fall back asleep.  Night terrors are not as common as nightmares in sexually abused children.   

Nightmares are more common in children and are frequently associated with stress. Parents know about nightmares because their child wakes them up crying or yelling in fear.  They usually occur late in a child's night time sleep.  Nightmares are intense and frightening for the child and he/she has difficulty getting back to sleep.  Children suffering from nightmares may need physical or verbal comfort from their parent(s).   

Sexually abused children appear to have frequent nightmares. These nightmares could include actual content from the child's sexual abuseexperience or be the result of bottled up feelings such as anger or fear. Some nightmares include themes of monsters, "bad people" and snakes.  Nightmares can be so intense and real that children may have difficulty distinguishing them as not real.  The following are some specific ideas for helping your child with their nightmares:   

1)  Some children may be afraid to talk about their nightmares, believing that if they did the nightmare would come true.  Encourage them to talk about, act out or draw pictures of their nightmare while explaining that nightmares are not real but make- believe.   

2)  Provide verbal reassurance,  "If you need me to stay with you until you fall asleep, I will". 

3)  Provide statements that will normalize nightmares for your child, such as: "Other kids that had a touching problem like you, have nightmares too" or "Most kids have nightmares when they are scared."  Read books about other children's nightmares and how they confronted them.   

4)  Bolster bedtime routines such as:

• provide a quiet time before bedtime
• read a comforting story
• talk about good dreams
• provide comforting music
• lie down with your child in their room and bed
• rock your child or give a back rub
• provide a relaxing bath

5)  Be creative, think up and act out safe or humorous endings to nightmares.    

6)  Make a "dream helper" or "nightmare buster", a powerful yet friendly helper to protect from or chase away nightmares.  For example, adream helper could be a special stuffed animal, a nightmare buster couldbe a picture of Batman drawn by your child and hung on the door.   

7)  When helping your child return to sleep afterbeing awakened by a nightmare it will be most helpful to provide physicalcomfort and verbal reassurance that, he/she is in a safe place and nightmaresare not real and can't hurt.  It could also be helpful to turn on a lightin your child's bedroom to show them that are in a safe place.  Any of theabove suggestions could also be helpful, such as: a back rub, lying downwith your child until they fall back to sleep, comforting music or a book.   

SEXUALIZED BEHAVIORS  
Sexual behaviors observed in preschool and school aged children are a partof normal sexual development.  When children are sexually abused they areprematurely introduced to sexual stimulation and pleasure that they are unableto understand and cope with because of their young age.  Many of their sexualbehaviors are a learned response to the perpetrator and sexual abuse acts. Sexual abuse may also increase a child's normal interest in sexual matters.   

Children most often tell parents, by their behavior abouttheir level of distress.  Young children who are sexually abused appear tohave more problem behaviors in the area of sexuality.  These include:

1) excessive masturbation,
2) sexual acting out with peers,  
3) pseudomature or false mature sexual behaviors, and 
4) confusion over sexual identity and what is appropriate sexually between children and adults.  

When helping your child with problem sexual behaviors it is very important that you maintain a matter of fact, non-judgemental and firm attitude.  Reacting in this way reduces the powerfulness of the behavior.   

The following are some ideas and strategies helpful in dealing with excessive or public masturbation:   

1)  Reflect child's confusion, such as "you must be confused aboutwhat is okay, I'll help you".  Follow-up with specific expectations and limits.   

2)  Explain and set limits in matter of fact tone and simple language.  For example when masturbation is in public, you could state "masturbation can be done in the bathroom or bedroom but not in the living room or grocery store".   

3)  Distract child when masturbation occurs before sleep by offering a soothing alternative like a back rub or quiet music.  

4)  Interrupt public masturbation without punishing and suggest an alternative behavior such as playing a game.                     
             
The following are some ideas and strategies helpful in dealing with inappropriate sexual acting out with peers and play with toys:  

1)  Set limits with a matter of fact, firm voice but not a punitive voice.  

2)  Supervise or monitor your child's play with peers and toys,so if necessary you can interrupt and set appropriate limits.   

3)  When the play is with toys and in front of a peer, use words such as, "it doesn't look like your friend likes that kind of play"and redirect to another more appropriate activity.   

4)  Some sexual play with toys and sexual acting out with peers can be the result of sexual abuse memories experienced by your child.  Your child may be demonstrating or re-enacting them through his/her play to gain control over or an understanding of what happened to him/her. When the play is with toys such as, two dolls having sex, you may choose to interrupt or allow your child the opportunity to replay the situation. If you choose to give your child time to re-enact their experience it is important that you watch for continuous, endless play.  If your child appears to be involved in repetitive play without a resolution or a "safe" ending,you may want to join your child's play and act out a safer ending.  Some parents may have difficulty helping their child with these kind of behaviors and if this is your experience you are encouraged to contact a child therapist for guidance.
  
5)  Teach your child accurate sex education and sexuality information, using correct terms and correcting misinformation.   

6)  When the behavior is sexual acting out with a peer, use words such as, "it was not okay for _____ to touch your penis/vagina and it is not okay for you to touch ______ in their penis/vagina"  OR  "you are in charge of your penis/vagina, it's up to you to take good care of it." OR  "it's up to you to make sure you give only safe touches."   

7)  When the behaviors are provocative or seductive,use words such as, "I like it much better when you give me a hug and kissl ike this, (demonstrate)".  After you have set these limits and demonstrated for child, catch him/her giving the appropriate affection and praise him/her. OR use words such as this, "I think you are confused about what are okay ways of showing that you love