Confronting Parents About Abusing — Its Risk & Value

Part 1



Part 2

"It Hurts" (Leaving a Cult)

By Jan Groenveld

IT HURTS to discover you were deceived - that what you thought was the "one true religion," the "path to total fredom," or "truth" was in reality a cult.

IT HURTS when you learn that people you trusted implicitly - whom you were taught not to question - were "pulling the wool over your eyes" albeit unwittingly.

IT HURTS when you learn that those you were taught were your "enemies" were telling the truth after all -- but you had been told they were liars, deceivers, repressive, satanic etc and not to listen to them.

IT HURTS when you know your faith in God hasn't changed - only your trust in an organization - yet you are accused of apostasy, being a trouble maker. It hurts even more when it is your family and friends making these accusations.

IT HURTS to realize their love and acceptance was conditional on you remaining a member of good standing. This cuts so deeply you try and suppress it. All you want to do is forget - but how can you forget your family and friends?

IT HURTS to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you love - to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk to them. It cuts deeply when you try and give your child a hug and they stand like a statue, pretending you aren't there. It stabs like a knife when you know your spouse looks upon you as demonised and teaches your children to hate you.

IT HURTS to know you must start all over again. You feel you have wasted so much time. You feel betrayed, disillusioned, suspicious of everyone including family, friends and other former members.

IT HURTS when you find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed of what you were - even about leaving them. You feel depressed, confused, lonely. You find it difficult to make decisions. You don't know what to do with yourself because you have so much time on your hands now - yet you still feel guilty for spending time on recreation.

IT HURTS when you feel as though you have lost touch with reality. You feel as though you are "floating" and wonder if you really are better off and long for the security you had in the organization and yet you know you cannot go back.

IT HURTS when you feel you are all alone - that no one seems to understand what you are feeling. It hurts when you realize your self confidence and self worth are almost non-existent.

IT HURTS when you have to front up to friends and family to hear their "I told you so" whether that statement is verbal or not. It makes you feel even more stupid than you already do - your confidence and self worth plummet even further.

IT HURTS when you realize you gave up everything for the cult - your education, career, finances, time and energy - and now have to seek employment or restart your education. How do you explain all those missing years?

IT HURTS because you know that even though you were deceived, you are responsible for being taken in. All that wasted time........ at least that is what it seems to you - wasted time.

THE PAIN OF GRIEF

Leaving a cult is like experiencing the death of a close relative or a broken relationship. The feeling is often described as like having been betrayed by someone with whom you were in love. You feel you were simply used.

There is a grieving process to pass through. Whereas most people understand that a person must grieve after a death etc, they find it difficult to understand the same applies in this situation. There is no instant cure for the grief, confusion and pain. Like all grieving periods, time is the healer. Some feel guilty, or wrong about this grief. They shouldn't -- It IS normal. It is NOT wrong to feel confused, uncertain, disillusioned, guilty, angry, untrusting - these are all part of the process. In time the negative feelings will be replaced with clear thinking, joy, peace, and trust.

YES - IT HURTS BUT THE HURTS WILL HEAL WITH TIME, PATIENCE & UNDERSTANDING

There is life after the cult

Sexual Abuse: Getting Your Community To Talk (Incest, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Clergy Sexual Abuse, Sexual Harassment)

 © (2003) by  Vicki Polin, MA, ATR, LCPC and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

Ever since starting The Awareness Center we have been getting a lot of feedback from various rabbis around the world. There seems to be one common theme in most of the letters. It appears there's a lack of general knowledge of what to do and say when someone discloses his or her abuse history. Most rabbis who contacted us were unaware of sexual abuse cases in their communities. Unfortunately, this lack of awareness could be due more to the fact that most Yeshivas who train rabbis do not cover the area of sexual abuse.

Therefore, rabbis seem to be unaware of what the symptoms are, or the long-term ramifications. This is something as a community we need to change, if we are to move toward healing those who have been victimized. Until very recently, sexual abuse was a topic too taboo to even talk about, let alone learn about. We have a huge task in front of us: We need to start educating our communities (especially those who are seen to be authority figures) on the symptoms that children who are being molested might exhibit, as well as the long term ramifications of childhood sexual abuse.

One rabbi wrote us:

Your article about sexual abuse in Jewish circles is on target. Although no cases were actually brought to my attention, I am aware of teachers in yeshivot who molested their (male) pupils, "left" the school to go to Israel (to do what, I don't know), then returned to the USA several years later. To my knowledge, the problem is far less than in the Catholic Church. The cult and missionary angle (in a recent article on The Awareness Center's site—editor's note) in cases of sexually abused Jewish children is most interesting.

The odds are that many individuals this rabbi has known, were sexually victimized as children – after all, statistics show that one out of every three-to-five women and one out of every five-to-seven men (in the US) have been sexually abused by the time they reached their eighteenth birthday. What is more probable is that the rabbi, as well as many others, who voice similar statements, just didn't recognize the symptoms of abuse. Another possibility is that on some unconscious level the rabbi gave the impression that they were not comfortable discussing issues relating to sexual abuse. Survivors need to feel a sense of safety with an individual if they are going to make disclosures of this sort.

Granted, the symptoms of childhood sexual abuse are many and not everyone victimized will exhibit them all (see table for list of symptoms). What is of utmost importance is that survivors know that they can speak out safely, and that they can make the abuse stop—for them and for others who might still be in danger.

The question is, then, how do you get individuals to disclose their abuse, so that a rabbi can become aware of whether there is such a problem his or her congregation?

The first and maybe the hardest step is to admit to yourself that there might be a problem, and be ready to address it. Education is the key, learn about the issue relating to childhood sexual abuse. Read books published in the area (i.e. Courage to Heal and Victims No Longer). Contact other rabbis with whom you study, and offer to host a brainstorming meeting regarding the ways with which to address and deal with the issues of childhood sexual abuse in your congregations. Remember as long as abuse is seen as a taboo topic amongst the leaders; the rest of the congregation will also feel it is taboo to discuss (let alone disclose). As heads of the community, rabbis are expected to hold their head a notch above the rest, and to keep their eyes and hearts open to the hurdles facing their congregations.

During services you might let your congregation know that you are open to hearing and interested in learning more about sexual abuse. It wouldn't hurt to mention that you are beginning to understand the severity of it, and how it eats to the core of the Jewish teaching of protecting the weak and needy. Let them know you are there to listen. The odds are that doing so would open up doors of trust and communications, and that some survivors will step forward. There is one draw back in doing this. A rabbi will have to be prepared to listen. You will open yourself up to hear dark and ugly secrets. It's important for you to have a support system in place so that you can debrief. There are times that care providers (including Rabbis) develop some thing called "compassion fatigue" (secondary post-traumatic stress disorder), some people call it vicarious victimization. Basically you end up having similar symptomology as the individuals who are disclosing their histories (see list).

The second step is to educate your congregation. Bring speakers into your community to discuss the topic. Get speakers from your state's child protection service and/or your local rape crisis center – they are well equipped to explain "how and when to make hotline reports", as well as the process of investigation reports. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have monthly speakers to present about the various aspects of sexual abuse. Topics could include, "good touch, bad touch". What to do if your child is abused? How to cope when your spouse molested children (please note that both men and women can be offenders), what to do if your child is sexually aggressive, sexually reactive and/or a juvenile sex offender, etc.

The third step is to locate resources in your community. Make a list of therapists who are trained in the area of sexual abuse and familiar with Jewish tradition (or offer these therapist your counsel if they needed it when working with people who are shomrey-mitzvot). Find and/or start self-help or networking groups as resources for survivors in your congregation and the surrounding area.

We at The Awareness Center will be happy to assist you in finding these resources in our upcoming International Resource Guide, which will include professionals experienced working with Jewish Survivors. Also, our constantly updated web pages are chock-ful-of information about sexual abuse and it's multitude of after effects; as well as references and articles about treatment, support groups, etc. Our board of directors and members of our advisory board are here to read and respond to your questions via email.

Opening up darkened spaces is a scary, saddening task, but it is a sacred one as well. For as we have been taught by our learned rabbis of the Sanhedrin, "anyone who saves one soul of Israel, it is said about him that he/she has saved a whole world" (Sanhedrin 37/a.

Let us be "or La-Goyim", a light to show the way for other nations, by mending our communities without fear or shame.

Incest, Pregnancy, Abortion and Halacha (Jewish Law)

© (2004) By Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, Michael Salamon, Ph.D., FICPP, and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH

It is always difficult to talk about abortion, and even more so when religion is part of the conversation. Aside from the religious/Halachic questions, much of the debate becomes highly political. Nevertheless, The Awareness Center feels that it is imperative to address the extremely delicate issue of abortion, particularly when it comes to incest, sexual abuse, and sexual assault.

There is no doubt that life according to Jewish teaching is sacred. Pregnancy and procreation are encouraged as one of the most important "mitzvahs" (good deeds) for both Jewish men and women. Every person born, every "nefesh" (soul), is "as if a whole world is created" (Maimonides). That said, according to the Jewish view, we don't just make human beings: we are obligated to make humane human beings. As Jews, we are encouraged to follow a life of "Tzedaqah", a word that not only refers to justice, but to proactive use of good, such as mercy to the poor and needy. Justice, "Tzedaqah", is a prime Jewish virtue and needs to be applied to those already living, to our children, to their mothers, to our communities. Pregnancy is imperative to the survival of the Jewish nation. However, the life of those already living comes before the life of those yet to be born. A fetus, though precious, is not seen as having equal standing as a born person. Rashi, in his commenting on Sanhedrin 72b, says that a fetus is not deemed "nefesh"—a person—until the head emerges in the birthing process. Indeed, as a rule, the Halacha (Jewish Law) rules that a mother's health comes first. The Talmud says: "If a woman suffers hard labor and travail...her life takes precedence over it's (the fetus) life" (Mishne 6).

This precedence isn't limited to life and death situations. Take the case of a pregnant woman who had an ear infection. The doctors said that she could become deaf if she carried to term. The rabbinical response was that deafness "will ruin her life, make her miserable in all her days, make her undesirable in the eyes of her husband...therefore, she should be permitted to abort her fetus..." (Ben Zion Uziel, Mishpetei Uziel, Hoshen Mishpat, 3:46). Most religious authorities agree that not only physical health, but also the mental health of the mother is included. Under some conditions, such as to avoid disgrace in a case where a married woman got pregnant by another man, abortion is not only allowed, "it even may hold the reward of a mitzvah" (Jacob Emden, Responsa She'elat Ya'avetz, No. 34).

How can one possibly call abortion a "mitzvah"? Because sometimes the circumstances are that it is a meritorious action, a sacred choice. The right to choose an abortion has deep religious roots that are based in the "sanctity of life" and on the particular circumstances of each conception.

If a woman who strayed and got pregnant by another man might be allowed to abort the fetus—how much more so if the woman was raped? What if the fetus is the product of incest? What if the woman is still a child herself?

We at The Awareness Center believe it is up to each individual to decide for themselves the best way to handle their particular situation—and hopefully with the aid of compassionate and qualified help. Adults might have access to a support network of people to assist them. However, children often do not have such access, nor do they have the knowledge of how to handle the problem of pregnancy, or the burden of misplaced shame. For their sake, and the sake of adults without support, we find that it is of importance to suggest the following basic guidelines:

A. We strongly advocate that a minor, or an adult without a support network, find an adult with whom they can confide.

B. This person should be someone who is more than just trustworthy and someone the victim feels comfortable with, but someone who can give guidance and direction.

C. The supportive adult need not be the minor's parent (especially if the pregnancy is due to dysfunctional family patters and/or incest...): he or she could be a teacher, rabbi, neighbor, therapist, rape crisis counselor, medical doctor, or another trained professional.

D. Schools and communities need to provide sex-education programs that include information about rape-prevention, rape-crisis centers and hot-line numbers, so that minors in need know where to go.

E. Teachers and rabbis need to educate themselves about resources in their community, the legal and ethical issues of reporting child-abuse, and the Halachic ruling and/or resources in cases of pregnancies that are the product of rape and/or incest.

Perhaps it could be efficacious to further discuss these delicate situations anecdotally. Case histories of survivors who faced these dilemmas can help us gain critical insight for how to best address such troubling issues.

Diana was thirteen when she became pregnant by her father. She had no idea what was happening to her body. She'd gotten her period for the first time just the year before. When her period was late, she didn't feel like she could tell her mother—so she told one of her friends, Mandy, who had an older sister named Sarah. The three girls spent a lot of time talking and together they decided to call pregnancy hotlines to see what they suggested. What they learned was that if Diana said she was 15 or 16, she could have an abortion without telling her parents, but if she was younger she needed a parent's permission to abort. Diana would have to lie. The three girls made a plan: Mandy and Sarah would tell Diana's parents that Diana was coming to spend the weekend with them, and tell their parents that Diana's parents were going out of town and wanted Diana to stay with them. That Friday, the three girls cut school and went to the abortion clinic. When they were done they came home, and the sisters told their parents that Diana had the flu—an excuse for Diana to stay in bed for a few days to heal. If these girls had a trusted adult to approach, they would not have had to sneak around. Diana wouldn't have had to lie and possibly risk her life. The incest could have been stopped. Had their school provided a sex education program that included information on rape prevention and education, the girls would have known who to go to, Diana would have learned that there was help available to her. She would have known she was not to blame.

Esther was the typical teenager. Coming from a modest, religious home, she was an average student, very active in high school, and had many friends. However, she also had a secret. One she never shared. Esther was an incest survivor. Her father began molesting her at very early age, so much so that Esther couldn't remember her father not bedding with her. As she matured, Esther faced a dilemma—at sixteen, she had a boyfriend, Joel, and wanted to be sexually active with him. However, how could she sleep with Joel if she was also "sleeping" with her father? Having grown with incest as part of her life, and with secrecy, she couldn't see at the time how this conflict was intrinsically wrong! Esther decided that she would refuse her father, even though she knew such refusal would come at a price—refusing her father meant that he would become even more physically abusive to her than before. Esther knew the sacrifice she was making but wanted to be "true" to Joel.

Late every night her father would try to enter her bed, but Esther would tell him no. And every following day he'd find some reason to punish her, often to beat her. When her father's violence started getting to her, Esther remembered how her father would never sleep with her if she had her period. So every night before she went to bed, she would insert a tampon, and when her father came would tell him "not tonight daddy, I've got my period." At first he'd leave, and she was safe for another night, but after several weeks, when she told him once again that she had her period, her father erupted with rage, punched her, and pulled the tampon out, stating "I knew you were lying!" He then raped her.

Two weeks went by and Esther realized that she didn't get her period. As more days passed, she got very scared. She was never late before! Somewhere inside she knew she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do. Also, was she pregnant by Joel, or was she pregnant by her father's sexual assault? Joel had no idea that Esther was an incest survivor. He knew of the physical violence, but didn't know what to do about it. Esther decided to tell Joel that she was pregnant by him, and the two of them decided that it would be best for her to get an abortion. Esther was relieved—her real fear was that the baby was really a result of the rape... She needed help, but she didn't know what to do or who to talk to. Imagine how horrible it must be to be sixteen and not sure if you are pregnant by your boyfriend or your father!

As extreme as Esther's case might seem there are all too many like her, and if not properly addressed the ramifications of these situations can last a lifetime. Esther knew that she could never go to her mother for advice—her mother was herself a battered woman and as it was Esther felt responsible for her mother being hurt, often putting herself between her mother and father so that she would get hurt instead of her mom. Esther ended up keeping a terrible secret and going through the abortion by herself.

Unaddressed trauma can often last a lifetime. From the time she was 11 until she was 17, Varda was repeatedly raped by her older brother. She, too, had an abortion when she was 15. She, too, had to go through it alone. Telling her parents that she was going to visit summer-camp friends for a long weekend, Varda took a train out of state and paid for an abortion and a three-day stay at a motel with the money she earned baby-sitting. She had no one to ask for references about the abortion clinic she found in the yellow-pages, no one to help her when her fever shot up and she bled heavily and could barely keep down food or drink. Her parents never asked any questions. Twelve years later, at the age of 27, Varda is single. She makes excuses when she is offered dates and fears getting close to anyone—she is too scarred inside to have children. She is too ashamed to say why. Varda now lives alone and gets panic attacks whenever she goes to visit her family and sees her nephew play with her nieces or whenever she has to sit to the same table as her brother. She has difficulty sleeping and tends to withdraw from social activities. She suffers from severe clinical depression. Though there's no guarantee that early emotional support and clinical intervention could have prevented Varda's long-term consequences of trauma, maybe if she had someone to talk to, she wouldn't have ended up in a shady clinic, would be able to deal with the incest and raise a family of her own. She'd be spared the pain she is still going through now.

Jewish law teaches us that life is sacred, and that we are to cherish the living over the unborn. All the more so when the unborn was conceived through inconceivable acts. Following the teachings of "Tzedaqah", we are called to provide the needy and destitute with compassion and real-life help. Incest and rape can and do result in pregnancies. While we work to end sexual assault in our communities, we need to open our hearts and minds to support the victims of such crimes and to offer them information and help in their time of excruciating decisions. We need to let survivors of rape and incest see and feel that they hold no shame in our eyes—the shame is on those who hurt them. Let's educate our children so that they are no longer vulnerable, and educate ourselves so that we can help the ones who were taken advantage of. Abortion is never an easy thing to do, but in some cases it is not only allowed, it can even hold the reward of a Mitzvah!


For more information on this topic click here

Shidduch questions in question

By Michael J. Salamon

I was in a local restaurant the other day and I couldn’t help overhearing a few young women talking at a nearby table. (Admittedly, listening in was not exactly polite on my part, but it was very enlightening.) The women were talking about going before a shadchan, or in the case of one of them, before a group of shadchans. One woman described the experience as a “scary, like being called to the principal’s office.” The others agreed. Then they began to discuss the questions that they were asked. What they all found most curious was that each of them was presented with the same questions even though they had seen different shadchans. One young woman believed that it might be because there is “some halacha” that dictates asking these set questions. I found it even more interesting that everyone accepted this explanation.

The experience of hearing shidduch questions is not a new one for me. I have written about the many and varied questions that are asked of people who “are in the parsha,” i.e. getting ready to date for the purpose of marriage. Of course there are the foolish ones, “What color tablecloth does your family use on Shabbos?” “Where do you go to buy your clothes?” But what are the true core questions and from where are they derived?

After some research I found that there are essentially six or seven basic inquiries. I asked people more knowledgeable than myself what might be the source of those questions. No one could provide a direct Biblical or halachic foundation. Several individuals indicated that they were essentially a common sense way to inquire about the essence of an individual. I was not satisfied. Late in my high school career a very persuasive teacher suggested we read Oscar Wilde’s play “The Importance of Being Earnest.” Wilde was an Irish playwright, novelist and poet who, at one time, was considered to be the most successful artist of the Victorian era. The humor of the play stems from the overly polite and extremely sincere manners that members of Victorian society used to cover their manipulative and cruel behaviors. The title is a play on words because few in the play are earnest, honest or sincere. What is most notable though is what occurs in the first act when Lady Bracknell, the matriarch of the family, begins to interview a young man for her very eligible daughter. Lady Bracknell says to the young man who her daughter has taken a fancy to that he is “not on her list of eligible young men,” but she might change her mind if the fellow answers her questions satisfactorily. What are those questions? If you have ever met a shadchan you already know them — they are the core shidduch questions: age, intelligence/education, income, family, town, and political and religious beliefs. In the play, the candidate does not pass muster. In the third act Lady Bracknell proceeds to question a woman that her nephew wishes to marry. Again, she asks the same questions. This time, because the young woman is in possession of a very large trust fund, Lady Bracknell consents.

The play is currently on Broadway and if you have never seen it I suggest you do. It’s a fun play, but I also found it a bit disheartening since it reminded me of the shidduch scene. In all honesty, some of the questions deserve to be asked — it is important to know about someone’s education and his or her plan for life — but it shouldn’t be the Spanish Inquisition and the focus shouldn’t only be about how much money a person’s family has, what someone looks like and a person’s social status. Not long ago a young man showed me a t-shirt he loved to wear under his regular shirt. The words on the shirt were “Sorry girls, I only date models.” He assured me that many of his friends had the same shirts and were of the same philosophy. He was no model. It looks as if superficial externals still rule the day despite the fact that we believe that we are not members of the snobbery classes of Victorian society. Maybe we want to be. Maybe we even believe that these questions have a longer history and are therefore justified. Stephanie Coontz, the historian who has built a prominent career on studying marriage, indicates that almost all marital unions prior to the mid 1800s were arranged for the sole purpose of survival, not status building. Wilde can cause us to look at the Victorian era and laugh at the snobbery but it isn’t nearly as funny when it’s so close to the truth.

Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, NY and a Board member of Ptach and The Awareness Center. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by Rowman & Littlefield. His new book on Abuse will be available March, 2011.

What's more important? Protecting innocent children and adults, or the images of our community leaders?

© (2011) by Vicki Polin


This is one my all time favorite songs.  I hate to tell you how many time it plays in my head, especially when working with the establishment in the orthodox world when trying to help Jewish survivors of sexual abuse/assault. 

The game playing sickens me so much. Why is it that so many rabbis connected to bet dins (Jewish religious courts), believe that orthodox children do not deserve the same rights and protections as non-orthodox children?

The only way things will change is when the vast number orthodox rabbis care more about child and adult survivors then they do about their own images and assets.  I hate to say it, yet as long as communities give away their own personal power various rabbis will continue to play havoc on so many peoples lives.

Random sample of 1835 mid-pregnant Jewish women was recruited in Israel - Child sexual abuse: is it a risk factor for pregnancy?

Child sexual abuse: is it a risk factor for pregnancy?

yampolsky l., lev-wiesel r. & ben-zion i.z.(2010) Child sexual abuse: is it a risk factor for pregnancy? Journal of Advanced Nursing 66(9), 2025–2037.

Click here for more information

Abstract

Aim.  This paper is a report of a study of the relationship of post-traumatic stress symptoms, depression, and health status to high risk pregnancy status in survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

Background.  Studies examining the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse have delineated diverse psychological, cognitive, and social difficulties in adult survivors that often manifest somatically.

Methods.  A random sample of 1835 mid-pregnant Jewish women was recruited in Israel over an 18-month period in 2005–2007. Participants were divided into three sub-groups consisting of the different combinations between pregnancy at risk (yes/no), childhood sexual abuse (yes/no), other than childhood sexual abuse trauma (yes no), and no trauma (yes/no). They completed a self-administered questionnaire consisting of five scales: a demographic variables scale, the Post-traumatic Stress Disorder Symptom Scale, Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale, Traumatic Events Questionnaire, and Childhood Sexual Experiences Scale.

Findings.  Pregnant survivors of childhood sexual abuse suffered higher distress levels which heightened poor health, hence increasing the probability of high risk pregnancy compared to women who had had other than sexual abuse trauma or reported no trauma. Post traumatic stress symptoms and avoidance (a sub-category) were found to explain chronic illnesses, whereas depression was found to explain gynecological problems in pregnant sexually-abused survivors.

Conclusion.  Healthcare workers need to recognize and address the psychological state of pregnant child sexual abuse survivors. Screening of pregnant women for child sexual abuse is needed to assess survivors’ psychological well-being and recognize their unique concerns during pregnancy monitoring.

There's no more room under the rug

There's no more room under the rug

 By Michael J. Salamon, Phd

The Awareness Center's Daily Newsletter - Janurary 20, 2011

In 1996 Dr. Ira Sacker, a physician who specializes in treating eating disorders, reported that in the ultra-Orthodox communities of Brooklyn as many as one in 19 girls was diagnosed with an eating disorder. At first blush this may not seem high, but in fact it is about 50 percent higher than the rate found in the general population. Just a few weeks ago Dr. Yael Leiter, of the University of Haifa, said that Israel has one of the highest rates of eating disorders in the world. This rate is in no small measure due to the seriously elevated numbers of women in the Orthodox world who suffer with this problem.

In 1998 an epidemiological survey done by the State of Israel reported that substance abuse was just as prevalent among unaffiliated teens as Orthodox and Charedi ones. In 2002 a Doctoral dissertation that I was involved with found that teenage males in a yeshiva in the New York area had high rates of stress and used illegal substances to alleviate the pressures they felt. The rates of abuse were apparently not much different than those in the general population.

Studies of Orthodox Jewish teens’ physical abilities have shown that because of the limited time they have for recreational activities and the general frowning upon of organized sports after the age of bar mitzvah, most teens have bone calcium levels well below the acceptable amount and higher stress levels than their non-religious counterparts. A study recently performed at Bar-Ilan University found that religious teenagers are more likely than their peers to suffer from significant anxiety and self-loathing when they confront their developing sexuality. While the researchers struck a balance between the appropriate understanding of adolescent development and the needs of teens to learn to control their urges, they were just as clear in stating that the “scare tactics used in the religious public” only exacerbates the fears from which these teens suffer.

And if these findings were not enough, demographers studying the Jewish landscape in the United States have found that in a cohort measured in the 1990s Orthodox Jews retained only about 42 percent of those born into Orthodox families. Rates of Orthodox affiliation are bolstered by gaining new adherents and by a higher birthrate than other Jewish groups, but Orthodoxy remains essentially stagnant at about 10 percent of Jewish Americans.

While there are many anecdotal reports and some small general surveys I have not come across any definitive studies about the dropout rates from Orthodox religion. Nevertheless what is available suggests that, particularly for teenagers, the tenants of Orthodoxy are too stress-provoking and rely on creating fear rather than love for religious understanding and practice. When they are feeling stressed they have no avenues to help them cope with their anxieties. Interestingly, kiruv organizations know this and approach people not with threats and fear but with warmth and acceptance to draw them in.

In the last few weeks we have been confronted with the issues of bans. In a particularly spot-on piece, this newspaper found out the true underlying cause for the ban against the news website Vosizneias.com. Initially, we thought that the ban was based on a specific political issue. Turns out, we were right, but it wasn’t the issue we thought. The ban did not involve a politician and those linked with him. Rather it involved the definition of “shmutz.” When there are attempts by community leaders to convince federal prosecutors to let a convicted sex offender go free, the community should know about it. Only one website addressed the issue, albeit without using names. Apparently, someone thought that Vosizneias’s reporting of information — that could very well be helpful in protecting members of the community — was inappropriate.

There is no doubt that many in the Orthodox community are unwilling to take a public stance against abuse of any kind. This staunch position is still predicated on the mistaken assumption that if we keep it quiet, or if we handle it in our own way, our community will be better served. Ever so slowly we see rabbinic leaders speaking out against sexual abuse but then along comes this ban. It appears that we have yet to learn that the more we hide the more free reign abusers have. Young people seem to inherently understand this. They know that you can only hide so much under the rug before it becomes a stumbling block. Unfortunately, this creates a terrible conflict for them. The research shows that if you speak with teens you will find they are conflicted about many issues, but because of an environment of fear they cannot discuss their experiences and needs. Luckily, many find someone in the community they can talk to and trust. 

Unfortunately, far too many do not and turn to self-destructive behaviors. These are the ones who are prone toward being victimized and in some measure ultimately drop out. We should do more to protect them. I would urge us to reconsider the bans — often garbage has to be put out at the curb and carted away.

Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, NY and a Board member of The Awareness Center. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by Rowman & Littlefield. His new book on Abuse will be available March, 2011.

CALL TO ACTION: Israeli Judges claim excessive media attention may reduce ex-President Moshe Katsav rape sentence.

Pictured is Judges Miriam Sokolov, George Kara and Yehudit (Judith) Shevah

CALL TO ACTION: Israeli Judges claim excessive media attention may reduce ex-President Moshe Katsav rape sentence.

LET YOUR VOICES BE HEARD:  

Tell Israeli Judges George Kara, Miriam Sokolov and Yehudit (Judith) Shevah the world is watching.  Let them know one rape is one to many no matter who the rapist is, or how much media attention the case gets.  Let them know the world is watching and we do not want the world to see that Israel is soft on sex offenders.

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Excessive media coverage may reduce Katsav rape sentence, judges say
In the full transcript of the former president's verdict, judges demonstrate a clear mistrust of Katsav's version, criticizing his evasive and confrontational style.
By Ofra Edelman
Haaretz - Jan. 16, 2011

The massive media coverage which surrounded the rape trial of former President Moshe Katsav may lead to a reduction of his sentence, the publication of Katsav's full verdict revealed on Sunday.

The Tel Aviv District Court's conviction was announced at the end of December, but only part of the verdict was made public. Katsav was convicted on two counts of rape, indecent assault and other sexual offenses.

In the verdict, the residing judges severely criticized the media for holding a "drumhead court-martial" to the former president, adding that while the coverage would not annul the verdict altogether, it may weigh in favor of the defense in its attempt to reduce Katsav's yet-to-be-delivered sentence.

"We do not ignore the mental anguish the defendant suffered as a result of the infinite flux of harsh publications released against him through the media and which had declared him a sex offender prior to his trial," judges George Kara, Miriam Sokolov and Yehudit Shevah wrote in their verdict.

The judges issued severe criticism of the Israeli media, saying that "lines were crossed in an unprecedented manner" in regard to the Katsav affair, adding, however, that the former president was at fault as well.

"The defendant took on the same modus operandi utilized against him, and began shooting poisonous arrows at those he considered to be seeking his injury," the judges wrote.

In the newly published full verdict, the judges quoted past rulings which recognized the court's ability to take the defense's abuse of process claim into account when weighing a sentence.

The verdict continued, stating, "The court may rule that the harm caused to the defendant, although not sufficient to justify total annulment of the indictment, may be grounds for dropping specific charges or reducing his [Katsav's] punishment in the event of conviction."

Katsav trial judges also quoted an article written by former Haaretz legal writer, the late Prof. Ze'ev Segal and judge Avi Zamir, stating that the court could take the lack of decency and justice into consideration when sentencing the defendant.

The conduct of former Attorney General Menachem Mazuz was also scrutinized in the verdict, who was chastised for expressing his opinion regarding Katsav's behavior before he had decided whether or not to indict.

Key witnesses and public figures are also the target of the judges' criticism saying they "gave interviews 'upon the hills and under every luxuriant tree,' [in an excessive manner] while confidently declaring the defendant's guilt."

On Thursday the district court panel of judges ruled that the additional details that Katsav wanted released were liable to seriously violate A.'s privacy and could potentially lead to the disclosure of the identity of another complainant whose allegations were barred by the statute of limitations.

Katsav had requested that nothing other than details identifying the complainants be removed, claiming that any further omissions would result in a failure to present the full picture of the court proceedings.

The judges said the disclosure of the information may deter rape victims from filing complaints in the future. They further added that this was what led them to refuse a public trial.

The court did not, however, recognize the privilege that A. from the Tourism Ministry sought to invoke regarding other details in the verdict, saying that this was not a serious violation of her privacy.

Judges on Katsav: Confrontational and untrustworthy

While the full verdict does not change the tone or general attitude of the briefer version published two weeks ago, it does provide a great deal more detail regarding Katsav's conduct toward employees, including quotes by both victims and corroborating witnesses.

The verdict is surprisingly depleted of quotes from Katsav's testimony because the request that the court publish his full testimony is still pending.

Writing of Katsav's testimony, the judges wrote in their verdict the it could "not serve as a basis to determine findings," saying the former president's version was "unauthentic and insincere."

"[Katsav's testimony] was tainted with a confrontational attitude toward the accuser's representatives and by selective interpretation of both the witnesses' accounts and the evidence," the judges said, adding that his testimony "seemed more like an analysis of the evidence than the recollections of a person who wishes to give honest testimony as someone who experienced the events first hand and could testify from his heart on the horrible wrong done to him."

The judges went on to say that the "defendant demonstrated a miraculous memory in matters that could aid him in his defense, and with a lack of recollection in matters which could potentially implicate him."

Katsav was also noted for his "eloquent speech, adept at navigating words and expressions, like someone who can blow hot and cold wind at the same time.

When speaking of his confrontational style, the judges said the former president responded with "aggression, slander, and false accusations at whomever dared say anything that did not meet his expectations."

"His answers were verbose and long, drifting toward irrelevant and distant issues, despite repeated remarks made by both the court and his defense team," the judges remarked.

In general, the verdict reflected a complete trust in the victims' version combined with an almost complete distrust of Katsav's testimony. While Katsav is chastised for every inconsistency in his testimony, the judges treated the victims with forgiveness and understanding."

When referring to the main witness, A of the Ministry of Tourism, the judges wrote that they were under the impression that she did not "tell a tall tale, and her account was of a victim of sexual assault," adding that A "was not wily or sophisticated."

"She is naïve and innocent, prone to pleasing her environment and respecting authority," the judges wrote.

Tamar's Story

"Tamar" asked that her story be shared in hopes of helping other survivors who might have a similar experience.  Her name and other identifying details have been changed to protect her identity.

 Several months ago "Tamar" contacted The Awareness Center looking for help.  During the initial conversation she disclosed that she was an incest survivor, who at one time was a baal teshuva (returnee to the Torah observant lifestyle). 

Tamar shared that she started becoming observant at the age of fourteen, after going to an orthodox synagogue with a friend she met at a local JCC.  

As Tamar started learning and taking on various mitzvah's,  and after several months of asking -- her parents finally agreed to let her study at a yeshiva in another state, which was remarkable since her parents were not observant. 

Tamar said she thrived in her new community.  She loved being amongst other frum Jews, up until a few years ago.  Everything changed after a rabbi friend decided to fix her up with one of his cousins. 

At first Tamar was concerned about who the rabbi wanted to fix her up with.  "Epharim" was several years older then her, yet the rabbi really thought that they would make a great couple -- especially since Tamar was getting close to her 30th birthday, which was considered old for a single woman in the orthodox world.  Fearing she would never find a husband, she agreed to meet Ephraim.

Tamar's car broke down earlier in the day of her date with Ephraim.   One of Tamar's friends agreed to dropped her off at a local restaurant and was going to pick her up once Tamar's date was over.  

The date went well and Ephraim offered to give her a ride home.  Tamar agreed.  Unfortunately, Ephraim had other plans.  He said he had to drop something off at friends home, and asked if Tamar would mind going for a brief ride.  She thought it would be OK.  Ephraim drove to an isolated location, stopped the car and sexually assaulted Tamar.

Once Tamar got home she found herself curled up in a ball, sobbing for hours.  She didn't know what to do and was too embarrassed to call one of her friends.  She was afraid they would blame her for getting into the car with a man. 

Suddenly Tamar remembered watching a television show about rape and decided to do what she learned in the movie.  Tamar felt she had no choice but  to call 911, make a police report and have her offender prosecuted.

After learning that Tamar pressed charges against Ephraim, the matchmaking rabbi telephoned her.  In anger he told Tamar that she was "no longer welcome in the community and that it was obvious by her actions, she 
proved that she was bad news for the orthodox world". 

Tamar 's voice shook as she expressed how her whole world crumbled before her.  One by one her long time friends began rejecting her.  These were people she had known and  grown to love since her high school days.  These friends were really the closest thing she ever had to family.  Tamar went on to explain that because of the abuse that went on with her biological family, she had little contact with them in most of the 15 years she lived within the eruv (Jewish community). 

As the weeks went by, Tamar was no longer invited to friends homes for shabbat or for holidays.  She hated going outside her door and seeing how people who she once considered to be her friends, would turn their backs and shun her. 

It took Tamar eight months to save enough money to move away from the only home she really ever knew. 

Tamar's been away from her community for about two years.  To this day she has not been able to walk into synagogue from within any movement of Judaism.  Her fear is that she would  be rejected once again.

Tamar works full time and spends most of her free time working out.  She finds herself shying away from making any new friends. 

She often reflects back on her life and can no longer understand, nor connect to how at one point in her life she loved davening and doing mitzvah's.  These subjects now just brings her to tears -- and states that she feels incredibly betrayed by G-d.  

Tamar has not been able to see past the betrayal and or the denial she experienced from the community she once loved.  Tamar also shared that she toyed with the idea of converting to another faith.

Tamar has been in therapy with a rape therapist, who is not Jewish since she relocated.  She purposely chose someone who does not practice any faith -- because bringing up any form of religion or mention of a higher power has become to painful for her.  Yet from time to time Tamar had found herself "googling" the words "Jewish" and "Rape", to see what resources were out there for Jews.  Doing this is how she originally found The Awareness Center. 

Tamar shared that it took her over a year to send her first e-mail to our organization and another few months to follow it up with a phone call.  

Tamara shared that she read just about every article that was on The Awareness Center's site at least once if not twice; yet she was still too afraid to make the initial phone call because she feared we would be judgemental or reject her -- yet her desire to have some sort of Jewish connection pushed her to send her first e-mail and then followed by a call. 

Tamar asked that The Awareness Center share her story with you, because she is aware that a great deal of our web page is no longer available, nor is our ability to offer a "Friendly line" for survivors due to financial restraints.  

Tamar was hopeful  that sharing her story, that readers would realize how important it is to fund The Awareness Center.  She also is asking that each of you do your best to help save our organization from this economic slump.  

Tamar believes that by making a donation, no matter how small, will help to save other Jewish survivors, like herself from looking elsewhere for a spiritual connection.

If you would like to help The Awareness Center grow, please send your donation check to the address below, or click on our web page and then click on the donate button to show your financial support using a credit card.

The Awareness Center, Inc.
(the international Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault)
P.O. Box 4824
Skokie, IL  60076
www.theawarenesscenter.org

Update: Case of Rabbi Israel Weingarten - Rabbis trying to free convicted sex offender

This appears to be business and usually in the orthodox world of Brooklyn. Once again rabbis care more about the reputations of convicted sex offenders then they do of those who were sexually violated. In this case the victim was the offenders daughter. Incest is the most common form of child molestation. 46% of all cases involve a relative being the offender.    

Rumors are that several orthodox rabbis are proclaiming that Weingarten is innocent even though he was convicted in a federal court of law.  They are also attempting to raise funds to hire a top lawyer in hopes of getting him out of prison.  

Weingarten is a danger not only to the child he molested, yet to all children in whom he may come in contact with.  

The Awareness Center is asking that everyone send positive thoughts to the survivor of Weingarten.  She finally had her day in court and finally got justice for being a victim of a sex crime.  We all should be enraged that those who are supposed to be community leaders would fail us in this way.  

Yisroel Weingarten is a member of the Satmar Sect in the Orthodox Jewish community of Monsey.  He traveled with his victim from Monsey, NY to Manchester, England and Belgium. 

(Double click on article below to enlarge)

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Monsey-based rabbi charged with sexually abusing girl for nearly a decade

by Steve Lieberman and Jonathan Bandler

The Journal News - October 7, 2008

Rabbi Israel Weingarten

Federal agents yesterday arrested a Monsey rabbi on charges of sexually abusing a female relative for nearly a decade.

Rabbi Israel Weingarten, 58, was taken out of his home in handcuffs based on an August federal grand jury indictment and arraigned on five federal counts of sexual abuse in U.S. District Court in Brooklyn.

Weingarten, a divorced father of eight, pleaded not guilty before Magistrate Judge Joan M. Azrack. The judge ordered the rabbi held without bail in federal lockup. He is due in court Oct. 21.

The indictment charges Weingarten with having sex with the girl starting in 1990, when she was 9 years old, and ending about nine years later. The woman is now 28.

Weingarten is accused of sexually abusing the girl on a weekly and sometimes daily basis during that period of time, in Belgium, Israel and the United States, according to a detention memo filed with the court by the U.S. Attorney's Office in Brooklyn.

"He moved her to different countries in order to continue the abuse and to escape any threat that he would be apprehended as word of his abuse began to spread," U.S. Attorney Benton Campbell wrote.

"He has resorted to threats and violence to intimidate those who tried to protect the victim and other members of his family," Campbell wrote.

Weingarten's lawyer, Kenneth Gribetz of New City, said yesterday that the sexual abuse charges resulted from his client's bitter religious divorce about three years ago. He said the most recent sexual abuse allegations were about a decade old.

Gribetz said Rockland Family Court Judge Margaret Garvey and Rockland Child Protective Services cleared Weingarten. Gribetz said Weingarten was given custody of six of the couple's eight children. Those six children range in age from 13 to 24.

"The charges are from a lengthy, bitter divorce that has taken place over the years from Israel to Belgium to the United States," Gribetz said. "Six of his children living with him support him."

Weingarten has taught children for the Satmar Hasidic Jewish community in the United States, Belgium, Israel and England, the documents said.

He ran a Satmar school in Belgium and taught at Satmar religious elementary and secondary schools in Brooklyn.

Weingarten is charged with five federal counts accusing him of traveling around the world to have sex with the minor and avoid being charged.

The indictment charges him with two counts of knowingly and intentionally transporting a minor in foreign commerce with the intent to engage in a sexual activity. He also is charged with three counts of knowingly and intentionally traveling in foreign commerce for the purpose of engaging in a sexual act with a minor.

If convicted at trial, Weingarten faces an estimated prison term of 168 to 210 months in prison, the U.S. Attorney's Office said.

Assistant U.S. Attorneys Andrea Goldbarg and Rachel Nash argued in court papers that Weingarten represented a flight risk and was capable of intimidating witnesses.

Goldbarg told the judge that the Family Court case did not involve the victim of the charges in the indictment. Court papers accused Weingarten of hiding the children and using deceit in a Family Court custody battle.

Weingarten also has been accused of using force and deceit to prevent inquiries about his children's health, including an incident that occurred while the family lived in Kiryas Joel in Orange County.

Goldbarg said Weingarten was a "very manipulative, controlling personality" who had brainwashed his children into supporting him.

"He has demonstrated a willingness to interfere with investigations and intimidate witnesses," Goldbarg said.

The prosecution's court papers accused Weingarten of trying to kidnap the victim in England and assaulting a rabbi and his wife, who were protecting her.

Gribetz asked the judge to free Weingarten without bail or on a personal security bond, arguing his client "had no reason to flee."

Azrack said she was disturbed not only by the nature of the allegations but by Weingarten's behavior when the FBI came to his home. She said she believed he may be a danger to his own relatives.

"I'm not inclined to release him under any circumstances," the judge said. "I question how rational he is and whether he is willing to obey orders of the court."

Weingarten and six of his children refused to answer the door when FBI agents arrived to arrest him. The agents had to force their way into the house and then break down the door to a bedroom after Weingarten locked himself inside.

Gribetz suggested the brief standoff was a misunderstanding and caused partially by his client's fears and a language barrier.

Weingarten feared the men at the door were supporters of his ex-wife who had come to hurt him, Gribetz said, adding Weingarten claims he has been attacked before.

"He was even calling 911 for police to come help him," Gribetz said.

As Weingarten stood before the judge, a dozen men in Hasidic garb sat in the gallery, including Weingarten's brother and several men who said they were the rabbi's students.

Rabbi Jacob Moskowitz of Monsey said Weingarten was a "very nice person" who was well regarded as a Judaic scholar in Antwerp, Belgium, where he taught for years.

"He sits at home and doesn't hurt a fly," Moskowitz said, adding the allegations were the product of a "dirty matrimonial case."

He said Weingarten's students were so devoted to him that some had taken out mortgages to help him financially over the years as he faced allegations."He has a lot of supporters. People have a lot of sympathy for him," Moskowitz said.

Gribetz said Weingarten doesn't have any money or property to put up for any bail, even if the judge sets bond. He said his client was "in agony" about having to spend Yom Kippur in jail.