Spirituality, Sexuality, and How Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse Experience God
© (2004) By Vicki Polin, MA, LCPC, Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., and Na'ama Yehuda, MSC, SLP, TSHH
Spirituality and Sexuality are very often confusing issues for adult
survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and for several valid reasons. In
families where the concept of God is present, a child's first
representation of God is either of their parents or through their
parents. If you have loving, kind parents you may develop a view of God
that is loving and kind. If, however, you grew up in a family of
violence your perception of a higher power would be of a being that is
controlling, explosive and violent. For children who have been sexually
violated by their parents, their role model for God is that of a sex
offender. Survivors' internalize a view of a punishing, abusive God, who
only allows bad things to happen to them because "God loves them." They
live in a place where nothing is safe, not even their thoughts, because
God can read those and therefore punished for even feeling angry, upset
or disrespectful. Given the way children develop a perception of the
world, a survivor of the heinous crime of incest would naturally
question the veracity of a kind, loving God.
The Talmud (Moad Katan, 17a) relates that a respected Rabbinical
educator was rumored to have been involved in behavior that was
"hateful." The commentators suggest that he was either an adulterer or
seduced young women. The Rabbis ostracized this individual.
Unfortunately, despite this tradition to ostracize such offenders,
Jewish communities have not taken such a strong, responsible position
toward molesters. Too often when allegations of child molestation are
brought to the attention of community leaders, parents or relatives of
victim's are reminded that discussing issues of molestation within the
community or bringing these types of allegations to the public would
result in any number of negative outcomes for the survivor. These
consequences include difficulty finding a marital partner of substance
for not only the survivor, but also other family members, or could
result in the survivor or family members of survivors not getting into
good yeshivas (schools). There are tales of families of abuse victims of
having to relocate to another town as a result of the political
pressures following disclosures. Not only does the survivor have to
struggle with their trust and belief in God so does the survivor's
family.
We have begun to discuss the possibility of a correlation between
assimilation and childhood sexual abuse. According to the most recently
available data one in every three to five women, and one out of every
five to seven men, have been sexually abused by their 18th birthday. As
part of the healing journey, the majority of survivors of abuse reach
the point where they try to integrate what happened to them on a
spiritual level. Many are in twelve-step programs, surrounded by
individuals of other faiths, yet the Jewish survivors often feel
different. Jews have very different customs then that of their Christian
friends. When a survivor is from an unaffiliated background, they may
feel at a loss -- unsure of what to do, or how to do it while survivors
from backgrounds that were more traditional and included a Jewish
education may feel betrayed by that background. The confusion of the
healing process adds to the inability to find a healthy spiritual place
within their own religion. So what is a Jewish survivor of childhood
abuse to do?
Up until now there have been very few individuals who are "survivor
friendly" in the Jewish community. We need to start opening our minds
and our hearts to begin listening to survivors of childhood sexual abuse
bearing witness. Just like holocaust survivors, who were initially
shunned, survivors of childhood abuse need to be allowed to speak in
order to heal, to be able to learn to connect with God, to see God as
something other then neglectful, abusive and cruel. Those listening to
these disclosures have a responsibility to themselves, their families
and to the survivors. It is vitally important to make sure they have
access to a support group conducted by a trained facilitator who is
experienced with compassion fatigue (secondary post-traumatic stress
disorder), so they are allowed to debrief and maintain balance, after
hearing the voices of survivors.
Karen is a thirty-year-old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She
indicated that she spent her life trying to connect to something that
was spiritual, yet felt she was failing. Over the years she approached
many rabbis asking them questions. Unfortunately, the Rabbis, due to a
lack of training, were unable to help her understand either her
questions or the concepts with which she need the most help. Most had
difficulty listening to her disclose her abuse history. When Karen was a
child, while her father was molesting her, he would say "this is how
you know God loves you . . . you know anything that feels this good has
to have come from God . . . this is how you know God is inside you."
Knowing this information would be critical in understanding Karen's
difficulties with the concept of God. Yet most Rabbis doing outreach
were unable to help her reframe her experience and make it possible for
Karen to learn to connect.
Rivka was in her teens when she first disclosed to a friend that her
father, a rabbi was molesting her. Her father was also a principal of a
school for young boys. Her friend told her mother, who in turn, went to
a local community leader to ask for advice. Because of the stature of
her father, the community leader suggested they keep quiet about the
abuse. As time went on, Rivka was unable to cope. As a teen she ran into
some difficulties and ended up moving into the home of one of her
classmates. Due to political pressure within the community, the family
that Rivka resided with was asked not to daven (pray) in the synagogue
they had been members of for years. The family was dedicated to helping
Rivka heal, and were not about to put her out on the streets. Rivka
eventually went to college, was able to support herself financially, got
married and is the mother of three. Rivka came from a Torah observant
upbringing, but from her experiences with the denial of the community,
she no longer practices. She feels betrayed by her family, the Jewish
community, and most importantly by God. When speaking to community
leaders of the town she was from, and when her name is mentioned, they
make comments such as she's happy, she is married and has children. But
they are not completely correct. Rivka's is in mourning. She misses her
biological family, she misses her connection to her community and she
feels that has no one to talk to about her feelings about God.
Mitch grew up in family filled with physical and sexual violence.
The family belonged to a synagogue and his parents made sure to enroll
all their children in programs so that they could learn about Judaism.
There was a problem -- Mitch was deaf. None of the Jewish educational
programs had interpreters. Mitch was not proficient at lip reading and
disclosed that he was bored and felt left out. Growing up Mitch never
felt that he was a part of his family since the majority of his family
members were not proficient in sign language. He was alone isolated in
his deaf world.
School was Mitch's only respite. He was enrolled in a school for the
deaf, and could communicate freely with people who could understand and
relate to him. Growing up in the South and being deaf meant that he
didn't have any Jewish friends. As he reached high school, he wanted to
be like his friends. Most of them went to church. Mitch had no concept
of God, and was like a sponge to learn, to connect to something
spiritual. Mitch's concept of God was that of a father who was filled
with anger and rage. No one in the Jewish community ever took the time
to meet Mitch's needs. He never was given the opportunity to express his
thoughts and feelings about his concepts of God to anyone Jewish. But
then the missionaries reached him. Like so many survivors, the desire to
feel loved was strong. His new friends knew this and showed him
unconditional love. He would do anything to feel loved and cared for,
and if it meant learning about another religion, then he did it. When
his family realized what was happening they tried to rectify the
situation, but again it was done in a way that appeared to be an attempt
to control and abuse him. Their attempt was unsuccessful. To this day
Mitch's views Judaism as something that is abusive and wrong.
The more our communities, and our leaders are educated on the issues
relating to childhood sexual abuse the easier it will be to help heal
the oozing wounds of childhood sexual abuse. Band-Aids can only cover up
an infection. Our communities need to do major wound care, some
individuals may require "spiritual surgery," while others my just need a
topical ointment. But together as a community, as a people we can come
together and heal the world.
Vicki Polin, Michael J. Salamon and Na'ama Yehuda |
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