Preventing Date and Marital Rape: Dating, Shadchans and Dating Service

Dating, Shadchans (matchmakers) and Dating Service: Preventing Date and Marital Rape

Jewish Dating: Preventing Date and Marital Rape

The majority of rapes are not committed by strangers but by those who know their victims, who have gone out with them previously and are supposedly their friends. This phenomenon is called "acquaintance" or "date" rape. Date rape is forced, unwanted intercourse with a person you know. It is a violation of your body and your trust. It is an act of violence.

"More than 1 in every 7 women who have ever been married, have been raped in marriage." - Diana Russell, "Rape in Marriage", Indiana University Press, 1990

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Disclaimer: Inclusion in this website does not constitute a recommendation or endorsement. Individuals must decide for themselves if the resources meet their own personal needs.

Table of Contents:

Articles

1. No Romance in Frum Dating? 
2. Dangerous Message from Aish HaTorah: "Date From Hell"
3. “Hooking Up”:  It’s Not Just A Problem For Our Youth 
4. How Safe are the Jewish On-Line Dating Services?
5. Using the Shidduch System: Is it really safe?
6. The Obligations Of A Shadchan (matchmaker) 
7. Marital Rape
8. Background Information and The History of Rabbinical Ordinations

Books

1. Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures - By Michael J. Salamon

Films

1.  Matchmaker - Fiddler on the Roof

Cases

1. Case of Edward Nisimov
2. Case of Jonathan Berkowitz

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How Safe are the Jewish On-Line Dating Services?

By Jewish Survivors of Sexual Violence Speak Out - September 16, 2005

If you or anyone one else you know are a survivor of date rape, or attempted date rape from any of the Jewish dating services, and want your story told, please send me an email. Let me know if you notified the police, the service you found your date, what happened with the case, and what ever else you want to share.

If you are looking for resources for help, contact The Awareness Center, Inc.

Below is an sample of The Jewish Dating Services. You may want to ask each one what their guidelines are when accusations of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, or other forms of sexual misconduct are made against one of their members. Remember offenders can be both male and female.

• Frumster
• JDATE
• JSoulMate
• MatzahMate
• OrthoDate
• Saw You At Sinai
• Someone Jewish
• SpeedDating

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Using the Shidduch System: Is it really safe?

By Jewish Survivors of Sexual Violence Speak Out
September 18, 2005

In the orthodox world it is not uncommon for single individuals who are looking for their beshert (soul mate) to use a matchmaker (shadchan). For many this makes dating so much easier, yet for a few, their lives have been changed forever in a negative way.

There have been times that a shadchan neglected to tell a client (either male or female) of their potential dates past criminal record. There are pros and cons about doing this. Everyone deserves a fresh start. If two individuals don't hit it off, there is no need to share everything. One of the problems of doing this is that there have been times that if one person doesn't hit it off with another, one may think of a friend who might be a better possibility. They no longer may use the shadchan, and a friend can end up engaged to someone who could be problematic.

I am aware of situations in which the shadchan (matchmaker) was aware that there were allegations of an individual being physically or sexually violent. Because the shadchan (or the rabbis who support the alleged offender) didn't believe the allegations, an introduction was made with a potential partner. There have been several cases where a couple marry, and an innocent person becomes a new victim of domestic violence, and or their children (male and female) become incest survivors.

After consulting with many survivors of these sorts of situations, I think it's time that we demand that there be a policy that shadchans are required to disclose if a potential mate has a criminal record prior to the introduction, especially when there have been allegations of physical or sexual violence.

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Marital Rape

Approximately 10-14% of married women are raped by their husbands in the United States. Historically, most rape statutes read that rape was forced sexual intercourse with a woman not your wife, thus granting husbands a license to rape. On July 5, 1993, marital rape became a crime in all 50 states, under at least one section of the sexual offense codes. In 17 states and the District of Columbia, there are no exemptions from rape prosecution granted to husbands. However, in 33 states, there are still some exemptions given to husbands from rape prosecution. When his wife is most vulnerable (e.g., she is mentally or physically impaired, unconscious, asleep, etc.) and is unable to consent, a husband is exempt from prosecution in many of these 33 states (Bergen, 1996; Russell, 1990).

Women who are raped by their husbands are likely to be raped many times. They experience not only vaginal rape, but also oral and anal rape. Researchers generally categorize marital rape into three types:

• Force-only rape: The husband uses only the amount of force necessary to coerce their wives.
• Battering rape: Husbands rape and batter their wives. The battering may happen concurrently or before or after the sexual assault.
• Sadistic /obsessive rape:Husbands use torture or perverse sexual acts. Pornography is often involved.

Women are at particularly high risk for being raped by their partners under the following circumstances:

• Women married to domineering men who view them as "property"
• Women who are in physically violent relationships
• Women who are pregnant
• Women who are ill or recovering from surgery
• Women who are separated or divorced

It is a myth that marital rape is less serious than other forms of sexual violence. There are many physical and emotional consequences that may accompany marital rape.

• Physical effects include injuries to the vaginal and anal areas, lacerations, soreness, bruising, torn muscles, fatigue, and vomiting.
• Women who are battered and raped frequently suffer from broken bones, black eyes, bloody noses and knife wounds.
• Gynecological effects include vaginal stretching, miscarriages, stillbirths, bladder infections, sexually transmitted diseases, and infertility.
• Short-term psychological effects include PTSD, anxiety, shock, intense fear, depression and suicidal ideation.
• Long-term psychological effects include disordered sleeping, disordered eating, depression, intimacy problems, negative self-images, and sexual dysfunction.

Research indicates a lack of responsiveness to marital rape survivors on behalf of service providers - particularly police officers, religious leaders, rape crisis counselors, and battered women's advocates. There is a need for those who come into contact with marital rape survivors to comprehensively address this problem and provide resources, information and support to survivors.

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Matchmaker - Fiddler on the Roof

 

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For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml . If you wish to use copyrighted material from this update for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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Marital Rape

Approximately 10-14% of married women are raped by their husbands in the United States. Historically, most rape statutes read that rape was forced sexual intercourse with a woman not your wife, thus granting husbands a license to rape. On July 5, 1993, marital rape became a crime in all 50 states, under at least one section of the sexual offense codes. In 17 states and the District of Columbia, there are no exemptions from rape prosecution granted to husbands. However, in 33 states, there are still some exemptions given to husbands from rape prosecution. When his wife is most vulnerable (e.g., she is mentally or physically impaired, unconscious, asleep, etc.) and is unable to consent, a husband is exempt from prosecution in many of these 33 states (Bergen, 1996; Russell, 1990).

Women who are raped by their husbands are likely to be raped many times. They experience not only vaginal rape, but also oral and anal rape. Researchers generally categorize marital rape into three types:

• Force-only rape: The husband uses only the amount of force necessary to coerce their wives.
• Battering rape: Husbands rape and batter their wives. The battering may happen concurrently or before or after the sexual assault.
• Sadistic /obsessive rape:Husbands use torture or perverse sexual acts. Pornography is often involved.

Women are at particularly high risk for being raped by their partners under the following circumstances:

• Women married to domineering men who view them as "property"
• Women who are in physically violent relationships
• Women who are pregnant
• Women who are ill or recovering from surgery
• Women who are separated or divorced

It is a myth that marital rape is less serious than other forms of sexual violence. There are many physical and emotional consequences that may accompany marital rape.

• Physical effects include injuries to the vaginal and anal areas, lacerations, soreness, bruising, torn muscles, fatigue, and vomiting.
• Women who are battered and raped frequently suffer from broken bones, black eyes, bloody noses and knife wounds.
• Gynecological effects include vaginal stretching, miscarriages, stillbirths, bladder infections, sexually transmitted diseases, and infertility.
•  Short-term psychological effects include PTSD, anxiety, shock, intense fear, depression and suicidal ideation.
• Long-term psychological effects include disordered sleeping, disordered eating, depression, intimacy problems, negative self-images, and sexual dysfunction.

Research indicates a lack of responsiveness to marital rape survivors on behalf of service providers - particularly police officers, religious leaders, rape crisis counselors, and battered women's advocates. There is a need for those who come into contact with marital rape survivors to comprehensively address this problem and provide resources, information and support to survivors.

Rabbi Yaakov Aryeh Milikowsky supporter of Shlomo Carlebach

Amshinover Rebbe, enabler of  sexual predator - Shlomo Carlebach

Rabbi Yaakov Aryeh Milikowsky who is also known as "The Amshinov Rebbe" has been quoted as believing that Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach was the "Pillar of Prayer", even though there was a rabbinic decree created by Rabbi Moshe Feinstein banning Carlebach's music as a way of disciplining him for his sexual assaults against women.  Milikowsky chose to ignore the ruling that it was believed that his friend, Shlomo Carlebach was a serial sexual predator.  

Yaakov Milikowsky was born in the United States. He is the present Amshinover Rebbe in the Bayit Vegan section of Jerusalem.  He is the grandson and successor of Rabbi Yerachmiel Yehudah Meir Kalish of Amshinov. 

Rabbi Milikowsky currently one of the Rabbinic Advisors of the Refuah Institute in Israel.  Other known enablers of sexual predators who serve as rabbinic advisors of this "life coaching and counselor certification program includes Rabbi Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg.  

For more information on the case of Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach: CLICK HERE 

Sexual Misconduct Plagues Schools

Sexual Misconduct Plagues Schools
Associated Press - October 20, 2007


(Oct. 20) - The young teacher hung his head, avoiding eye contact. Yes, he had touched a fifth-grader's breast during recess. "I guess it was just lust of the flesh," he told his boss.

That got Gary C. Lindsey fired from his first teaching job in Oelwein, Iowa. But it didn't end his career. He taught for decades in Illinois and Iowa, fending off at least a half-dozen more abuse accusations.

When he finally surrendered his teaching license in 2004 - 40 years after that first little girl came forward - it wasn't a principal or a state agency that ended his career. It was one persistent victim and her parents.

Lindsey's case is just a small example of a widespread problem in American schools: sexual misconduct by the very teachers who are supposed to be nurturing the nation's children.

Students in America's schools are groped. They're raped. They're pursued, seduced and think they're in love.

An Associated Press investigation found more than 2,500 cases over five years in which educators were punished for actions from bizarre to sadistic.

There are 3 million public school teachers nationwide, most devoted to their work. Yet the number of abusive educators - nearly three for every school day - speaks to a much larger problem in a system that is stacked against victims.

Most of the abuse never gets reported. Those cases reported often end with no action. Cases investigated sometimes can't be proven, and many abusers have several victims.

And no one - not the schools, not the courts, not the state or federal governments - has found a surefire way to keep molesting teachers out of classrooms.

Those are the findings of an AP investigation in which reporters sought disciplinary records in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. The result is an unprecedented national look at the scope of sex offenses by educators - the very definition of breach of trust.

The seven-month investigation found 2,570 educators whose teaching credentials were revoked, denied, surrendered or sanctioned from 2001 through 2005 following allegations of sexual misconduct.

Young people were the victims in at least 1,801 of the cases, and more than 80 percent of those were students. At least half the educators who were punished by their states also were convicted of crimes related to their misconduct.



The findings draw obvious comparisons to sex abuse scandals in other institutions, among them the Roman Catholic Church. A review by America's Catholic bishops found that about 4,400 of 110,000 priests were accused of molesting minors from 1950 through 2002.

Clergy abuse is part of the national consciousness after a string of highly publicized cases. But until now, there's been little sense of the extent of educator abuse.

Beyond the horror of individual crimes, the larger shame is that the institutions that govern education have only sporadically addressed a problem that's been apparent for years.

"From my own experience - this could get me in trouble - I think every single school district in the nation has at least one perpetrator. At least one," says Mary Jo McGrath, a California lawyer who has spent 30 years investigating abuse and misconduct in schools. "It doesn't matter if it's urban or rural or suburban."

One report mandated by Congress estimated that as many as 4.5 million students, out of roughly 50 million in American schools, are subject to sexual misconduct by an employee of a school sometime between kindergarten and 12th grade. That figure includes verbal harassment that's sexual in nature.

Jennah Bramow, one of Lindsey's accusers in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, wonders why there isn't more outrage.

"You're supposed to be able to send your kids to school knowing that they're going to be safe," says Bramow, now 20. While other victims accepted settlement deals and signed confidentiality agreements, she sued her city's schools for failing to protect her and others from Lindsey - and won. Only then was Lindsey's teaching license finally revoked.

As an 8-year-old elementary-school student, Bramow told how Lindsey forced her hand on what she called his "pee-pee."

"How did you know it was his pee-pee?" an interviewer at St. Luke's Child Protection Center in Cedar Rapids asked Jennah in a videotape, taken in 1995.

"'Cause I felt something?" said Jennah, then a fidgety girl with long, dark hair.

"How did it feel?" the investigator asked.

"Bumpy," Jennah replied. She drew a picture that showed how Lindsey made her touch him on the zipper area of his pants.

Lindsey, now 68, refused multiple requests for an interview. "It never occurs to you people that some people don't want their past opened back up," he said when an AP reporter approached him at his home outside Cedar Rapids and asked questions.

That past, according to evidence presented in the Bramow's civil case, included accusations from students and parents along with reprimands from principals that were filed away, explained away and ultimately ignored until 1995, when accusations from Bramow and two other girls forced his early retirement. Even then, he kept his teaching license until the Bramows took the case public and filed a complaint with the state.

Like Lindsey, the perpetrators that the AP found are everyday educators - teachers, school psychologists, principals and superintendents among them. They're often popular and recognized for excellence and, in nearly nine out of 10 cases, they're male. While some abused students in school, others were cited for sexual misconduct after hours that didn't necessarily involve a kid from their classes, such as viewing or distributing child pornography.

They include:

Joseph E. Hayes, a former principal in East St. Louis, Ill. DNA evidence in a civil case determined that he impregnated a 14-year-old student. Never charged criminally, his license was suspended in 2003. He has ignored an order to surrender it permanently.

Donald M. Landrum, a high school teacher in Polk County, N.C. His bosses warned him not to meet with female students behind closed doors. They put a glass window in his office door, but Landrum papered over it. Police later found pornography and condoms in his office and alleged that he was about to have sex with a female student. His license was revoked in 2005.

Rebecca A. Boicelli, a former teacher in Redwood City, Calif. She conceived a child with a 16-year-old former student then went on maternity leave in 2004 while police investigated. She was hired to teach in a nearby school district; board members said police hadn't told them about the investigation.

The overwhelming majority of cases the AP examined involved teachers in public schools. Private school teachers rarely turn up because many are not required to have a teaching license and, even when they have one, disciplinary actions are typically handled within the school.

Two of the nation's major teachers unions, the American Federation of Teachers and the National Education Association, each denounced sex abuse while emphasizing that educators' rights also must be taken into account.

"Students must be protected from sexual predators and abuse, and teachers must be protected from false accusations," said NEA President Reg Weaver, who refused to be interviewed and instead released a two-paragraph statement.

Kathy Buzad of the AFT said that "if there's one incident of sexual misconduct between a teacher and a student that's one too many."

The United States has grown more sympathetic to victims of sex abuse over recent decades, particularly when it comes to young people. Laws that protect children from abusers bear the names of young victims. Police have made pursuing Internet predators a priority. People convicted of abuse typically face tough sentences and registry as sex offenders.

Even so, sexually abusive teachers continue to take advantage, and there are several reasons why.

For one, many Americans deny the problem, and even treat the abuse with misplaced fascination. Popular media reports trumpet relationships between attractive female teachers and male students.

"It's dealt with in a salacious manner with late-night comedians saying 'What 14-year-old boy wouldn't want to have sex with his teacher?' It trivializes the whole issue," says Robert Shoop, a professor of educational administration at Kansas State University who has written a book aimed at helping school districts identify and deal with sexual misconduct.

"In other cases, it's reported as if this is some deviant who crawled into the school district - 'and now that they're gone, everything's OK.' But it's much more prevalent than people would think."

The AP investigation found efforts to stop individual offenders but, overall, a deeply entrenched resistance toward recognizing and fighting abuse. It starts in school hallways, where fellow teachers look away or feel powerless to help. School administrators make behind-the-scenes deals to avoid lawsuits and other trouble. And in state capitals and Congress, lawmakers shy from tough state punishments or any cohesive national policy for fear of disparaging a vital profession.

That only enables rogue teachers, and puts kids who aren't likely to be believed in a tough spot.

In case after case the AP examined, accusations of inappropriate behavior were dismissed. One girl in Mansfield, Ohio, complained about a sexual assault by teacher Donald Coots and got expelled. It was only when a second girl, years later, brought a similar complaint against the same teacher that he was punished.

And that second girl also was ostracized by the school community and ultimately left town.

Unless there's a videotape of a teacher involved with a child, everyone wants to believe the authority figure, says Wayne Promisel, a retired Virginia detective who has investigated many sex abuse cases.

He and others who track the problem reiterated one point repeatedly during the AP investigation: Very few abusers get caught.

They point to several academic studies estimating that only about one in 10 victimized children report sexual abuse of any kind to someone who can do something about it.

Teachers, administrators and even parents frequently don't, or won't, recognize the signs that a crime is taking place.

"They can't see what's in front of their face. Not unlike a kid in an alcoholic family, who'll say 'My family is great,"' says McGrath, the California lawyer and investigator who now trains entire school systems how to recognize what she calls the unmistakable "red flags" of misconduct.

In Hamburg, Pa., in 2002, those "red flags" should have been clear. A student skipped classes every day to spend time with one teacher. He gave her gifts and rides in his car. She sat on his lap. The bond ran so deep that the student got chastised repeatedly - even suspended once for being late and absent so often. But there were no questions for the teacher.

Heather Kline was 12, a girl with a broad smile and blond hair pulled back tight. Teacher Troy Mansfield had cultivated her since she was in his third-grade class.

"Kids, like, idolized me because they thought I was, like, cool because he paid more attention to me," says Kline, now 18, sitting at her mother's kitchen table, sorting through a file of old poems and cards from Mansfield. "I was just like really comfortable. I could tell him anything."

He never pushed her, just raised the stakes, bit by bit - a comment about how good she looked, a gift, a hug.

She was sure she was in love.

By winter of seventh grade, he was sneaking her off in his car for an hour of sex, dropping in on her weekly baby-sitting duties, e-mailing about what clothes she should wear, about his sexual fantasies, about marriage and children.

Mansfield finally got caught by the girl's mother, and his own words convicted him. At his criminal trial in 2004, Heather read his e-mails and instant messages aloud, from declarations of true love to explicit references to past sex. He's serving up to 31 years in state prison.

The growing use of e-mails and text messages is leaving a trail that investigators and prosecutors can use to prove an intimate relationship when other evidence is hard to find.

Even then, many in the community find it difficult to accept that a predator is in their midst. When these cases break, defendants often portray the students as seducers or false accusers. However, every investigator questioned said that is largely a misconception.

"I've been involved in several hundred investigations," says Martin Bates, an assistant superintendent in a Salt Lake City school district. "I think I've seen that just a couple of times ... where a teacher is being pursued by a student."

Too often, problem teachers are allowed to leave quietly. That can mean future abuse for another student and another school district.

"They might deal with it internally, suspending the person or having the person move on. So their license is never investigated," says Charol Shakeshaft, a leading expert in teacher sex abuse who heads the educational leadership department at Virginia Commonwealth University.

It's a dynamic so common it has its own nicknames - "passing the trash" or the "mobile molester."

Laws in several states require that even an allegation of sexual misconduct be reported to the state departments that oversee teacher licenses. But there's no consistent enforcement, so such laws are easy to ignore.

School officials fear public embarrassment as much as the perpetrators do, Shakeshaft says. They want to avoid the fallout from going up against a popular teacher. They also don't want to get sued by teachers or victims, and they don't want to face a challenge from a strong union.

In the Iowa case, Lindsey agreed to leave without fighting when his bosses kept the reason for his departure confidential. The decades' worth of allegations against him would have stayed secret, if not for Bramow.

Across the country, such deals and lack of information-sharing allow abusive teachers to jump state lines, even when one school does put a stop to the abuse.

While some schools and states have been aggressive about investigating problem teachers and publicizing it when they're found, others were hesitant to share details of cases with the AP - Alabama and Mississippi among the more resistant. Maine, the only state that gave the AP no disciplinary information, has a law that keeps offending teachers' cases secret.

Meanwhile, the reasons given for punishing hundreds of educators, including many in California, were so vague there was no way to tell why they'd been punished, until further investigation by AP reporters revealed it was sexual misconduct.

And in Hawaii, no educators were disciplined by the state in the five years the AP examined, even though some teachers there were serving sentences for various sex crimes during that time. They technically remained teachers, even behind bars.

Elsewhere, there have been fitful steps toward catching errant teachers that may be having some effect. The AP found the number of state actions against sexually abusive teachers rose steadily, to a high of 649 in 2005.

More states now require background checks on teachers, fingerprinting and mandatory reporting of abuse, though there are still loopholes and a lack of coordination among districts and states.

U.S. Supreme Court rulings in the last 20 years on civil rights and sex discrimination have opened schools up to potentially huge financial punishments for abuses, which has driven some schools to act.

And the National Association of State Directors of Teacher Education and Certification keeps a list of educators who've been punished for any reason, but only shares the names among state agencies.

The uncoordinated system that's developed means some teachers still fall through the cracks. Aaron M. Brevik is a case in point.

Brevik was a teacher at an elementary school in Warren, Mich., until he was accused of using a camera hidden in a gym bag to secretly film boys in locker rooms and showers. He also faced charges that he recorded himself molesting a boy while the child slept.

Found guilty of criminal sexual conduct, Brevik is now serving a five- to 20-year prison sentence and lost his Michigan license in 2005.

What Michigan officials apparently didn't know when they hired him was that Brevik's teaching license in Minnesota had been permanently suspended in 2001 after he allegedly invited two male minors to stay with him in a hotel room. He was principal of an elementary school in southeastern Minnesota at the time.

"I tell you what, they never go away. They just blend a little better," says Steve Janosko, a prosecutor in Ocean County, N.J., who handled the case of a former high school teacher and football coach, Nicholas J. Arminio.

Arminio surrendered his New Jersey teaching license in 1994 after two female students separately accused him of inappropriate touching. The state of Maryland didn't know that when he applied for teaching credentials and took a job at a high school in Baltimore County. He eventually resigned and lost that license, too.

Even so, until this month, he was coaching football at another Baltimore County high school in a job that does not require a teaching license. After the AP started asking questions, he was fired.

Victims also face consequences when teachers are punished.

In Pennsylvania, after news of teacher Troy Mansfield's arrest hit, girls called Kline, his 12-year-old victim, a "slut" to her face. A teacher called her a "vixen." Friends stopped talking to her. Kids no longer sat with her at lunch.

Her abuser, meanwhile, had been a popular teacher and football coach.

So, between rumors that she was pregnant or doing drugs and her own panic attacks and depression, Kline bounced between schools. At 16, she ran away to Nashville.

"I didn't have my childhood," says Kline, who's back home now, working at a grocery cash register and hoping to get her GED so she can go to nursing school. "He had me so matured at so young.

"I remember going from little baby dolls to just being an adult."

The courts dealt her a final insult. A federal judge dismissed her civil suit against the school, saying administrators had no obligation to protect her from a predatory teacher since officials were unaware of the abuse, despite what the court called widespread "unsubstantiated rumors" in the school. The family is appealing.

In Iowa, the state Supreme Court made the opposite ruling in the Bramow case, deciding she and her parents could sue the Cedar Rapids schools for failing to stop Lindsey.

Bramow, now a young mother who waits tables for a living, won a $20,000 judgment. But Lindsey was never criminally charged due to what the former county prosecutor deemed insufficient evidence.

Arthur Sensor, the former superintendent in Oelwein, Iowa, who vividly recalls pressuring Lindsey to quit on Feb. 18, 1964, regrets that he didn't do more to stop him back then.

Now, he says, he'd call the police.

"He promised me he wouldn't do it again - that he had learned. And he was a young man, a beginning teacher, had a young wife, a young child," Sensor, now 86 years old, said during testimony at the Bramows' civil trial.

"I wanted to believe him, and I did."

John Parsons, special projects manager for the AP's News Research Center, contributed to this story.

Dangerous Message from Aish HaTorah: "Date From Hell"

Dangerous Message from Aish HaTorah: "Date From Hell"

Does Aish Ha Torah utilize cult like practices? 

© (2007) Vicki Polin, MA, NCC, LCPC, ATR-BC

WARNING: Manipulative practices are used in this video: Date From Hell

Lori and Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik - Accused of using cult like practices

A few weeks ago a rabbi sent the following link out to his mailing list promoting an online video, "Date From Hell", which is produced by Aish HaTorah. I have to admit that I was appalled at the message that was being promoted by Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik (a rebbetzin is a title given to wives of rabbis).

The short film revolved around the fact that everyone has an opinion and how important it is to keep your opinion to yourself or that you need to be extremely careful before offering it.

Palatnik went on to say that: "You need to know the difference between fact and opinion". She goes on telling the story about a young male Baal Teshuva, who was learning with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik.

As time progressed Rabbi Palatnik felt the man had "put his playboy lifestyle behind him." He wanted to know if Lori's knew any "girls" that she could fix him up with. Rabbi Palatnik said "the man wanted to get married."

Lori came up with a "great girl." After the date the woman called Lori and said "that was the date from hell." Later, Rabbi Palatnik asks Lori to fix the man up with another "girl." Once again after the second date the woman calls Lori saying "that was the date from hell." The same exact words as the first woman. Rabbi Palatnik once again requested that his wife fix the man up with a third woman -- this time Lori refused.

What is missing from the film is the reason why both women stated that "this was the date from hell." Was it because the man dressed funny or had a strange odor? Did the two women dating they think he was boring, rude, impolite, not gentlemanly enough, self-centered? Or could it be he was sexually inappropriate or had to do with some other issue regarding their safety? Without knowing this key information we cannot determine if dating this man was dangerous.

"Six months later the man got engaged to another great girl," stated Rebbetzin Palatnik. The woman was someone known to Lori. She continued by saying, "if this new woman was very lucky she never called her to find out about the man, because if she did -- she would have warned her to stay away."

Lori continued, "To this day the couple is happily married." She saw this as a life lesson and said "You can destroy things before they are started by giving your opinion...One woman's date from hell is somebody else's prince charming...You can stop things before they start by giving your opinion. You can destroy things once they are started by giving your opinion. Think before you speak. Keep your opinions to yourself"

There is some vital information missing from the Lori Palatnik film. She never let her viewers know why the two women called their experience with the man "the date from hell."

When I sent the video “Date From Hell” out to a few observant mental health professionals and survivors they made the following comments:

• It appears that the fear is really about 'lashon hara.'

• When two people had a terrible experience on a date with the same person the shadchan should be responsible enough to find out WHAT WAS WRONG before deciding to set up the man or woman again. The reality is that sometimes there is a serious problem. The person could be abusive towards women, for example. The clip gives the message that marriage is the priority above all else....Who cares what the issues are as long as they get married.

• Getting people married seems to be the ONLY goal in life....what happens after... Who cares?

• This is THE VIDEO FROM HELL. Another move toward the Taliban.

There are two very important books that everyone should read concerning dating in the orthodox world. They are “The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures.” Urim Publishshing Co., and also another one that will come out next year: “Every Pot Has A Cover: A Proven Method for Finding and Enhancing Relationships. University Press of America.

Case of Rabbi David Alan Stein

Case of Rabbi David Alan Stein

(AKA: David A. Stein, David Stein)

B.A. in Sociology - University of California, San Diego

Master of Hebrew Letters, M.A. in Rabbinic Studies

Rabbinic Ordination - Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies

Former Dean - Jewish Life / Campus Rabbi - American Hebrew Academy, Greensboro, NC

Insurance Company - San Clemente, CA

Convicted sex offender.  Received three years of probation after pleading guilty to taking indecent liberties with a student.  

It is unknown where he is no located.  There are rumors that he moved out of the country after his probation was over. 

NOTE: There are several different people by the name of David Alan Stein.  The one on this page was born around 1972.

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Table of Contents:

2007

1. Background Information
2. School rabbi charged with sexual acts with student  (10/17/2007)
3. Former School Rabbi Accused Of Sex Acts With Student  (10/17/2007)
4. School rabbi faces child sex charges (10/17/2007)
5. Rabbi is indicted on sex charges (12/15/2007) 

2009

1. Former rabbi sentenced to probation in student sex case  (08/17/2009)

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Background Information

American Hebrew Academy - Faculty Directory

May 18, 2007

Rabbi David Stein, Dean of Jewish Life/Campus Rabbi

B.A. in Sociology, University of California, San Diego; Master of Hebrew Letters, M.A. in Rabbinic Studies, Rabbinic Ordination, Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies

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School rabbi charged with sexual acts with student

By Jennifer Fernandez

News and Record - Oct. 17, 2007

GREENSBORO — The American Hebrew Academy's former director of campus life is facing charges that he had sex with a student, police said.

Rabbi David Alan Stein, 35, is expected to turn himself in today, Greensboro police Sgt. A.T. McHenry said.

Stein left the school in the spring, shortly after police began their investigation, police Capt. Gary Hastings said.

Since then, Stein has been in San Clemente, Calif., living with his parents and working at an insurance company, McHenry said.

Stein is charged with eight counts of having sex with a student, McHenry said.

Police spent months investigating the complaint, seizing school computers to examine them for evidence, Hastings said. The order for Stein's arrest was issued last week, he said.

The incidents took place sometime during the 2006-07 school year on campus, Hastings said.

The student involved is a 16-year-old male, Hastings said. He did not know if the student was still enrolled at the school.

School officials alerted police after a student came forward with a complaint, Glenn Drew, executive director of the American Hebrew Academy, said Tuesday afternoon in a prepared statement. He said Stein was fired.

It was unclear Tuesday how long Stein had been working at the school.

"This has been a painful incident for the Academy community," Drew said, "but we remain committed to protecting our students and serving justice."

The co-ed boarding school serves 135 high school students and employs 80, school officials said.

Students come from all over the world to attend the Academy, which combines college preparatory and Jewish studies.

The school sits on a 100-acre wooded campus off Hobbs Road in northwest Guilford County.

McHenry would not comment on whether more students were involved or if further charges are pending. Hastings said the investigation is continuing.

"Of course," McHenry said about the student's family, "they want justice done."

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Former School Rabbi Accused Of Sex Acts With Student

MSNBC - October 17, 2007

GREENSBORO, N.C. - A former director of campus life at the American Hebrew Academy is accused of having sex with a student.

Rabbi David Alan Stein, 35, turned himself in to Greensboro police on Wednesday. Authorities said he was charged with eight counts of having sex with a student.

According to investigators, the alleged sex acts occurred on campus during the 2006-07 school year. The student was a 16-year-old male, police said.

Stein left the school in the spring after police began their investigation, which has lasted about four months. The school said Stein was fired.

The coed boarding school includes students from around the world in grades 9-12. It is located off Hobbs Road.

Police said they were contacted by school officials after a student came forward with a complaint.

Stein has been living in California the last few months.

Authorities said the investigation remains under way.

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School rabbi faces child sex charges

By: Jonathan Lowe

Channel 14 News - October 17, 2007

Rabbi arrested -- He was a school rabbi at Greensboro's American Hebrew Academy. Now David Alan Stein, 35, is accused of having sex with a student.

GREENSBORO -- He was a school rabbi at Greensboro's American Hebrew Academy. Now David Alan Stein, 35, is accused of having sex with a student. Greensboro police investigators issued a warrant for his arrest Tuesday and Wednesday Stein turned himself in.

Police say Stein is facing eight counts of having sex with a student. For several months, Greensboro police have been talking to staff and students at the American Hebrew Academy.

"We did reach a point where we were able to take out warrants for his arrest," said Lt. Brian James, Greensboro Police Department.

A student, who is now 16 years old, came forward with a complaint and a school staff member then alerted investigators.

"The student came forward with evidence of Mr. Stein's inappropriate behavior," according to a statement from the Academy's executive director.

"At this point we believe that the contact or the majority of contact occurred on campus," James added.

Investigators seized school computers to examine for further evidence.

"Of course we did take some things from the Academy that would give us some indications as to what type of relationship the rabbi had with the student," James said, which led investigators to believe there were inappropriate incidents between the student and Stein.

Greensboro police officials say soon after that they began their investigation, and Stein was immediately fired from the American Hebrew Academy. He then moved to San Clemente, Cal. to live with his parents.

"We have sent detectives out to California in an attempt to interview him," James said.

Police say Stein has cooperated with investigators but also say there is the possibility other charges might be filed.

"If any other names are brought forth to us that may have had any kind of involvement with him of course we will look into it," James said.

And so will the school. Officials there said Wednesday that while the incident has been painful for the Academy community, they will remain committed to protecting students and serving justice.

David Stein was released on a $50,000 cash bond. There's no word on his next court date.

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Rabbi is indicted on sex charges

By Jennifer Fernandez

News and Record - Dec. 15, 2007 3:00 am

David Alan Stein, 35, faces eight counts of having sex with a student, records show.

The grand jury also returned murder indictments against three men in two separate homicides and against a woman accused of killing one person and injuring five others in a DWI crash during Labor Day weekend.

David Alan Stein, 35, faces eight counts of having sex with a student, records show. He was the school's director of campus life.

Police have said the incidents, which involved a 16-year-old male student, took place on campus sometime during the 2006-07 school year.

The co-ed boarding school serves 135 high school students and employs 80 people, school officials have said. Students come from all over the world to attend the academy, which combines college preparatory and Jewish studies.

The school is on a 100-acre campus off Hobbs Road in northwest Guilford County.

Also indicted were:

• Aviance Marquita McCollum, 28, of 1907 Oak St., on a charge of felony death by motor vehicle and five counts of felony serious injury by motor vehicle. She is accused of killing Latoya Marquita Simmons and injuring five others Sept. 2 while driving while impaired on Interstate 40/85, records show.
• McCollum, who was carrying six children in her car, had slammed into the median. Simmons, 23, and another woman had stopped their van to help after seeing children trying to get out of the car, reports show. The van was still in the left lane of the interstate when it was struck by another vehicle. The impact knocked Simmons into the path of traffic.
• Clarence Nelson Stone, 50, of 3753 Safenight Road, Climax, on a charge of first-degree murder. Stone is accused of killing Denise Ball Collins, 46, on Sept. 12.
• Collins' body was found along East Sheraton Road near the Woodlake mobile home park near Pleasant Garden.
• Pedro Louise Sanchez, 16, of 824 Reid St., on a charge of first-degree murder. He was indicted in connection with the Sept. 24 death of Karl Lamont Mark. Sanchez's alleged role has not been explained in court or police documents.
• Donny Troy Mosley, 22, of 2300 Apache St., Apt. A, on a charge of first-degree murder. Mosley's charge also stems from Mark's death. He is accused of shooting and killing the 28-year-old man.

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Former rabbi sentenced to probation in student sex case
News and Record - August 17, 2009
By Jennifer Fernandez

GREENSBORO — A former American Hebrew Academy rabbi received three years of probation after pleading guilty Monday to taking indecent liberties with a student.

David Alan Stein, 37, the former director of campus life for the private school, will be on supervised probation for three years, according to the Guilford County District Attorney’s Office.

In October 2007, police charged Stein with eight counts of having sex with a student. Those charges were reduced to eight counts of indecent liberties with a student, and additional felony sex offense charges were dropped as part of the plea.

The judge suspended a sentence of three consecutive prison terms of a minimum six months each. Stein also was ordered to have no contact with the former student, now a college sophomore, or his parents.

The probation case likely will be transferred to California, where Stein now lives, the District Attorney’s Office said. Stein had moved in with his parents and started working with an insurance company after he was first charged in 2007, police said at the time.

The incidents took place during the 2006-07 school year on the campus of American Hebrew Academy and involved a 16-year-old male student, police said at the time.

Stein left the school in the spring, shortly after police began their investigation.

The coed boarding school served about 135 high school students and employed 80 people at the time. Students come from all over the world to attend the school, which combines college preparatory and Jewish studies.

The school sits on a 100-acre wooded campus off Hobbs Road.

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